The swinger’s dance

It’s one of those terms that can’t really be universally defined.
Love is an emotion desired by some and avoided by others. And then
there’s sex…love’s popular intimate counterpart; a passionate array
of physical acts. Do they always have to come as a package deal? Are
their powers just as strong if the duo is split up?

Dana [for purposes of anonymity, last names will not be used] thinks
so. He’s a local swinger. Not the raunchy, 1970s, silk shirt
open-to-the-navel, cue-the-cheesy-porn-music type you might be
picturing, though. He’s level-headed, obliging and a dedicated
companion to his long-time girlfriend. Though his lifestyle is a
private part of his life, he opens up honestly to debunk some
misconceptions.

Dana says there are a lot of websites marketing the salacious
aspects of swinging to single guys. “They’ll show very graphic scenes
and say this is what it’s all about, but it’s not that way,” he
explains.

With more than 20 years of experience living the lifestyle under his
belt, Dana is the director of Club ESP, or Extra Sensual People, one of
Nova Scotia’s swinger’s clubs. Though Dana calls the province
conservative towards swinging, Club ESP’s mailing list is 1,600 strong
and still growing—with members ranging from 25 to 55 years old. And
as far as the Maritimes go, Halifax is where most of the swingers are,
followed by Moncton and Saint John.

Dana became more aware of the growing population after taking part
in the Everything to Do with Sex Show in January at the Cunard Centre.
“It was way beyond our expectations, the number of people who came down
to talk to us. There are a lot of new people that are very interested
and curious.” Now he’s focusing on making changes with the club and
helping it and others in Atlantic Canada grow by creating the Maritime
Atlantic Swingers Club Association, a online place for different clubs
in the region to get in contact.

One of the members of MASCA is Dartmouth’s Club SOS, an off-premises
club (meaning sexual activity doesn’t take place at the club, but
usually at a nearby location) that holds monthly events for its
members. It’s run by Verna and her husband. They’ve been married for 25
years and swinging has been their lifestyle for the better part of
their relationship. Nine years in the making, SOS came from an
experience at another club that didn’t go so well, so Verna decided to
“open an off-premises club where like-minded people could meet and
maybe make a connection with no pressure.” Now, her parties usually
range from 80 to 280 guests.

The stereotyped scenario most of us think of when it comes to
swinging might look a little something like a key party, where your
mate for the evening is determined by whose keys you draw out of a
dish. This swinging practice from the ’70s is now a far cry from the
modern lifestyle.

Swingers are generally couples that take part in various sexual acts
with other couples, or sometimes individuals. The catch is the mutual
consent: Swinging is not cheating because both parties agree upon it
and in many cases are a witness to it. “Swingers don’t cheat, we don’t
have to. Everybody has sexual fantasies, I don’t care who they are,”
Verna states. “We just have the guts to make our fantasies a reality.”
These days clubs like ESP and SOS host parties with themes, costumes
and icebreakers and focus more on networking and getting to know people
than the act of sex itself. “If you look at the lifestyle today, and
the direction we want to put this club in, [it] is 80 percent social,
20 percent sexual,” says Dana.

Swingers tend to fall into different categories. “Fantasy swingers”
like the idea behind the lifestyle, but are probably more comfortable
keeping their distance. They usually communicate over the internet or
the phone and sometimes attend events, only to look at the menu: They
never order. People usually stay in this phase until they feel
comfortable enough to take it further. “Open swingers” stay in the same
room with another couple so that it is a truly shared experience while
“closed swingers” play in a room separate from their primary partner.
Some couples prefer soft-core swinging where they only share foreplay
with another couple and keep the act of intercourse for themselves.
It’s the “hardcore swingers” most people associate with the
lifestyle—the party anywhere, anytime type of people who, Dana says,
are a minority. “A lot of time people in the straight world portray
that we have a party, we lock the doors and by 9 o’clock everyone’s
naked…that is not the way it works.”

While swinging is considered an infidelity by some, both Dana and
Verna stress that it takes more than sex drive to be part of the
swinger’s lifestyle. So, it’s not whether your relationship is lacking
that little extra oomph, but is it strong enough to endure sex
with other partners? “Swinging is not a marriage counsellor…it won’t
fix what’s broken in your marriage or relationship,” says Verna. “And
if your sex life is terrible, it’s not going to fix that.” This is why
swinging is a lifestyle rather than an act. It isn’t just about what
happens in the bedroom, but how you reconnect afterwards. “You have to
have a good relationship…” says Dana. “To make this work you have to
have communication. You can’t just go out and play with somebody and
not talk about it the next day.”

Playing, or being sexual with someone, should be a shared
experience; swinging is about your partner’s pleasure just as much as
it is your own. On top of communication, swingers usually abide by
rules, not only set by the club, but within their couple. “We still
have the same rules today that we did 20 years ago,” says Verna. “We
don’t go off alone. If we’re going to have fun it’s going to be
together; same room, same bed. It’s about communication and comfort.”
And Dana and his girlfriend? When they play, it’s always together and
it’s always safe sex.

Swinging begs the question of how someone could watch their partner
engage in sex with another person. Members of the straight,
non-swinging community often question the trust between a swinging
couple and marvel at how—or if—it’s possible to avoid jealousy’s
poisonous ingredient. This is where your emotions and your actions
should become unconnected entities. “The first thing that you have to
realize is that there are two things: There’s a difference between sex
and love and just sex,” Dana says. “And once you separate those two
things you can have a lot of fun. You’ll play with somebody and that
person will teach you something you didn’t know. You’re always
learning.”

Verna has come to realize that what she and her husband do in the
bedroom alone can’t be compared to what they do at their parties.
“Swinging is just sex,” she says. “A husband and wife outside of a
swingers event…make love. If they swing it’s not making love; there
is a difference.”

On Saturday night Verna, her husband and members of Club SOS will be
celebrating at a Sweethearts Ball at an undisclosed location. Dana and
ESP’s Valentine’s Day, on the other hand, will be a tighter knit house
party as he’s been too busy to plan anything bigger after the
Everything to do with Sex Show. Swingers’ parties are usually kept
private to ensure comfort and freedom, so if you’re looking to join in
on any festivities, you’ll have to take it up with the club’s director.
Reach them at sos-club.ca or club-esp.com.

So what will Valentine’s Day bring, sex or lovemaking? If you like
to swing, it looks like there’s room for both.

This article appears in Feb 12-18, 2009.