qMy husband and I have
been together for about four years and have been married for a little
over a year. He’s 31; I’m 27. We started out as friends and soon began
a long-distance relationship, until I got pregnant. We have a great
friendship, and I wouldn’t want to be with anyone else. Here’s our
problem: I have the sex drive of a 16-year-old boy, whereas he’s
practically asexual. The fact we got pregnant is quite shocking.
Early on, it didn’t bother me much—infrequent sex is common in
long-distance relationships—but now that we’re married, he would
still rather jack off to porn. I’m not hideous. I’m in great shape, my
“amazing ass” gets hit on all the time and I’m an open-minded,
porn-loving girl—but my husband isn’t interested. LAME. The sex he
does give me is quasi-forced, strictly missionary and at most three
times a year. But the solo sex he has in front of the computer while
I’m at work happens three times a week at least. LAMER.
The topic has been discussed often. Especially after I go out with
friends and come home at an indecent hour, upon which I must explain
that I spent the night being chatted up by blokes who noticed my
“amazing ass.” He’s admitted that his sex drive has been a problem in
his previous relationships. I guess I’m just getting to the point where
one of these days, I’m going to fuck a minor-league soccer team. Any
thoughts? Sexless And Desperate
AYour husband—who is
beating off three times a week in front of the computer—is interested
in sex, SAD. He’s just not interested in sex with you or anyone else
he’s ever been with. But ultimately, the issue here isn’t sex. It’s
about neglect and selfishness and false advertising. (When we marry,
we’re signing up to fuck someone at least semi-regularly for decades.
Not interested in fucking? Don’t marry.) Since he’s unlikely to change
his ways—his stunted, sexually selfish ways—you have just two
options: an open relationship or a new relationship.
Considering your compatibility and the fact that you have a child,
I’d encourage you to stay together. So an open relationship it is—and
he shouldn’t have a problem with that. If sex doesn’t matter to him, if
he’s indifferent to sex and/or you, then it shouldn’t matter to him if
you occasionally do this supremely unimportant thing with other people
and/or minor-league soccer teams. So long as you’re a good and loving
partner and co-parent, and so long as your family is your first
priority, you should be free to seek safe, sane and non-disruptive sex
elsewhere. Added perk for him: no more quasi-forced sex with you.
And who knows? Maybe knowing that you’re having sex with other
dudes—or just knowing that you can have sex with other dudes—will
cause your husband to develop a bad case of sperm-competition syndrome
(Google it) and the husband will be inspired, fucking you three times a
week instead of his fist.
qI’m 21, female and pretty
experienced. The guy I’m dating now is 23 and a virgin. I’d really like
to avoid some of the awkwardness that I’m sure is going to arise,
seeing as I’m his first. (And has arisen—the first time we attempted
to do the deed, he was so nervous he couldn’t stay hard; he also
thought he was “in” when, in reality, he was humping my leg.) I’m at a
loss. Obviously this is going to take a lot of communication in the
moment. Aside from that, do you have any advice for how to make this
less awkward for both of us?
—First Isn’t Really Sexy Time
aMess around a few
times—at least half-a-dozen times—with vaginal penetration off the
menu, ratcheting down the performance anxiety for your boy. Once he’s
seen that, yes, his dick does work—yes we can get hard, yes we can
stay hard, yes we can blow a load with a woman in the room—then you
can move on to vaginal intercourse. And take control, FIRST: Tell
him—as sexily as possible—what you’re going to be doing before you
get started, tell him what you’re doing while you’re doing it and then
you can tell him when he’s “in” instead of letting him guess.
And, finally, a little required reading for the virgins out there
and the people who’re about to fuck some sense into them: The Virgin
Project. Illustrators K. D. Boze and Stasia Kato interviewed all
sorts of people—gay, straight, bi, young, old, ancient—about their
loss-of-virginity experiences. The illustrated stories in The Virgin
Project are moving, hilarious and heartbreaking in turn—sometimes
all three at once—and knowing that everyone’s first time is awkward,
that some folks’ first times are unpleasant and that most of us survive
them, might be good for your virgin, FIRST. It couldn’t hurt you to be
reminded of those things, either.
qI appreciated your
responses to Missing Kisses and Loses Interest Quickly. I wanted to
taste my own come but was hesitant.
My girlfriend (now wife), like LIQ’s wife, was frustrated that my
come-eating ambitions would disappear after climax. So we figured out a
way for me to eat it before I climaxed: I masturbate into a ziplock bag
and put it in the freezer. Then, during sex we retrieve the
baggie—she feeds it to me in frozen chunks, or she lays the frozen
pieces on her body and I lick it up as it melts. Because of these baby
steps, now on special occasions I even eat it “fresh” after I’ve come
in her.
Two questions: Could home-frozen sperm—stored for 24 hours or so
in a regular household freezer—impregnate my wife? And, if so, is
there a risk of birth defects or miscarriage? We’re also interested in
using come as a cooking ingredient.Are you aware of any legit recipes
that use human semen? Coming Around To Cream Pies
aFrozen spermcicles gross
me out, CATCP, and I arrive at this debate with a real affection for
the stuff. So I can’t imagine your idea will catch on, even among guys
like you and LIQ. Another reader had a better idea: a little tantric
woo-woo. “Through specific breathing patterns and concentration, you
can make yourself come without ejaculating; or, you can ejaculate a
little and still be hard,” writes Mr. F. “I can bring myself to a
‘mini-orgasm’ where I just slightly come on my girlfriend’s tits, go
right back to riding her again, and tease her by licking a bit off. She
loves it.”
As for your questions…”Sperm frozen in a household freezer would
probably be useless for insemination,” says David E. Battaglia, an
associate professor at Oregon Health & Science University and a
fertility consultant. “The issue isn’t genetic damage (there probably
wouldn’t be any). The issue is sperm survival. Sperm has to be frozen
in special solutions in order to survive, and we freeze it in
liquid-nitrogen temperatures.”
And while I’ve never cooked with sperm—if it’s not in Mark
Bittman’s How to Cook Everything, it was either meant to be
eaten raw or not at all—there’s a cookbook out there for you:
Natural Harvest: A Collection of Semen-Based Recipes.”
Download Dan’s Savage Lovecast (his weekly podcast)
every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.
Email Dan at mail@savagelove.net.
This article appears in Mar 12-18, 2009.
