I dropped by four large universities last
week—University of Lethbridge, State University of New York-Albany,
University of Maryland and University of Alaska-Anchorage—to do
“Savage Love Live,” the college-speaking-gig version of my sex-advice
column. I enjoyed visiting all four campuses and, as ever, learned a
few things out on the road. (Brinking? Who knew?)
People submit questions—the ones they don’t want to be seen to be
asking—on three-by-five-inch cards at the events. Sadly, I couldn’t
get to everyone’s questions at the Us of L, NY-A, M and A-A. Here are
answers to some of the questions I missed.
Q:At what point in a relationship is it “safe” to
have an open relationship?
A:There’s no standard gestation period for an open
relationship, no set period of time that you have to spend in the
exclusivity pod. In my experience, however, the most successful open
relationships I’ve witnessed—with “success” here defined as
“long-lasting,” which is kind of arbitrary (can we all get behind the
idea that a relationship can be short-lived and still be a
success?)—were sexually exclusive for at least a year, sometimes
longer, at the outset.
Q: When asked, “How do you make anal sex more
comfortable for women?” by Marie Claire magazine, Dr. Drew Pinsky said,
“Don’t do it. Your butt will leak when you’re old.” (I am
paraphrasing.) My question: Is Dr. Drew homophobic?
A:Dr. Drew isn’t a homophobe. He’s an
asshole-o-phobe—and a BDSM-o-phobe, a premarital-sex-o-phobe, a
three-way-o-phobe etcetera. Basically, when it comes to human
sexuality, there’s not a lot of daylight between Dr. Drew and Pope
Benedict XVI. And I’ll let you in on a little secret: Odds are good
that your ass is going to leak when you’re old, anyway—I’ll betcha
the pope’s ass is leaking all over the throne of St. Peter right now,
so you might as well enjoy it while you can.
Q: I’m a 24-year-old male who has been out for 11
years. I’ve been into this guy “Joe” for several years, but I always
assumed he was out of my league. We recently started hooking up. I’m
totally into him and it’s amazing. But for some reason, I can’t stay
hard. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Do I have ED? I have no health
insurance and am not sure what to do.
A: If you’re not having trouble keeping it up when
you’re alone and you didn’t have trouble keeping it up with other guys,
you’re probably just nervous. You like this guy, he’s way hot, the
stakes are high and a little routine performance anxiety is chasing
away your boners. If Joe is continuing to hook up with you despite your
inability to keep it up for him, well, then he’s not only a hot dude
but a patient one as well—and a dude who’s into you, too. So take a
deep breath, try to relax, and enjoy.
Q: When Sue Johanson was here, she spoke against
trying anal sex, due to damage etcetera. What would you tell
people?
A: I would tell people to refrain from fucking Sue
Johanson in the ass—and please don’t fuck Dr. Drew’s ass, either.
They both seem as terrified of anal sex as they are ignorant about
it—and tense, inept people can hurt themselves engaging in anal sex.
And if their asses start to leak in old age, I don’t want either of
them to be able to pin the blame on anal sex.
Q: We are a couple in a long-term committed
relationship and have casually considered the possibility of a
three-way. It would have to be with someone neither of us knew (or saw)
to reduce any chance of an emotional attachment. Good
idea?
A: Three-ways with complete strangers are kind of
difficult to arrange—unless you’re willing to go the rent-a-third
route. But if you want to have a three-way with someone trustworthy and
safe, you’re better off doing it with an acquaintance or an
ex.
Q: When did you first realize you were LGBTQ and
how did people react to that? Did you struggle to find
support?
A: I didn’t realize I was L, B, T and Q until I
arrived in Albany. And I’m not sure how friends and family are going to
react to my recently discovered lesbianism, bisexuality, impending
transition and questioning status—question: Now that I’m LGB and T
what outstanding Qs could there be?—but I expect they will be
supportive; just as confused as I am, but nevertheless
supportive.
Q: Please assign new salacious definitions to the
following terms, which are near and dear to the hearts of UM students:
“cornerstone,” “fear the turtle” and “diamondbacking.”
A: Cornerstone: when you get high in order to break
through a sexual inhibition—like when pot helps you “turn a corner”
sexually. “Sue wanted to peg her boyfriend Drew, but he just couldn’t
do it until he got cornerstoned.”
Fear the turtle: what a woman experiences when she realizes halfway
through vaginal intercourse that her bowels are full and her enjoyment
of the sex has been superseded by her fear of crapping the bed. “Sue
had to ask Drew to stop fucking her because she feared the turtle. She
got on the can for a minute, then hopped back in bed and no longer
feared the turtle.”
Diamondbacking: consenting to anal sex in the hopes that doing so
will inspire a boyfriend to propose. “Sue knew that Drew was totally
into anal sex, so she let him diamondback her. Now they’re
engaged.”
Q: I’m a lesbian, and my girlfriend is bisexual and
wants to have a three-way with a man. This makes me nervous. What
should I do?
A: Get yourself a refillable Xanax prescription, or
get yourself an actual lesbian girlfriend.
Thanks again to all four universities for bringing my skanky ass to
their campuses last week. My primary mission when I do these events, of
course, is to undo in an evening the damage done by abstinence
educators over the course of many years. But the events are always a
blast. If you want me to come to your school, get in touch with Keppler
Speakers at savagelove@kepplerspeakers.com.
I’m looking forward to my upcoming gigs at Liberty University, Brigham
Young University and University of Notre Dame.
Download Dan’s Savage Lovecast (his weekly podcast)
every Tuesday at thestranger.com.
Email Dan at mail@savagelove.net.
This article appears in Feb 19-25, 2009.