q I’m going to Barack Obama’s inauguration in
Washington, D.C., on January 20. I’ve spent eight years, one month, one
week and one day waiting for this. (But who’s counting?) However, I am
looking for suggestions for a respectful way to protest the
participation of Rick Warren. As a lifelong Episcopalian, I really
don’t want to engage in an anti-religious protest. (FWIW: I was annoyed
with some of the anti-religious people at the anti-8 rallies. We need
all our allies for this fight, so don’t trash the engaged, progressive
religious folk!)
While my friends want me to throw shoes, that ain’t gonna happen.
Ideally, I’d like a peaceful, gracious way to protest Warren’s
participation that won’t undercut this great day—a way that can be
picked up (and publicized) by folks on the Mall. Any suggestions?
Faithful Obama Girl
a Whatever you do, FOG, don’t do those things
you, um, already said you don’t want to do. No one should boo or throw
shoes or do anything disruptive. The American Taliban love to pretend
that they’re the persecuted ones around here, and booing or throwing
shoes or even just turning your back on Warren—the gay-hatin’,
right-wing Christian bigot Barack Obama invited to give the invocation
at his inauguration—will invariably be spun as an attack on people of
faith, as a vicious assault on prayer itself, as the moral equivalent
of a syphilitic rent boy pissing directly into the open mouth of a
crying baby Jesus.
Instead, borrow a page from those long-suffering gay Catholics. To
register their displeasure with the pope’s revealing obsession with gay
sex, gay marriage and gay shoes (the douchebag wears Prada), some gay
Catholics wear rainbow sashes to mass. Perhaps folks disappointed by
Warren’s participation could coordinate a similar sartorial protest?
Everyone wear a button with that rainbow-striped version of the Obama
logo? Wave little rainbow flags during Warren’s remarks? Head to the
mall in nothing but rubber chaps?
And speaking of Rick Warren, pastor of Saddleback Church and author
of The Purpose Driven Life.
My life’s purpose over the last week was reading thousands of
proposed new definitions for “saddlebacking” sent in by my readers. As
with the new definition of santorum crafted by Savage Love readers
(“the frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes a byproduct
of anal sex”), the new definition of “saddlebacking” has to be some act
that (1) needs a name but doesn’t already have one (we can’t just
rename “reverse cowgirl,” people) and (2) is naughty enough to
discomfort, say, a reverend Warren, but something that actual people
might actually do because that’s the only way the actual word will
actually get used.
So I’ve disqualified proposed definitions that were too literal
(“putting an actual saddle on someone’s actual back and actually riding
them”), too gross (“to crap on someone’s back and then sit on it,
moving forward and back while making horse-riding-related noises like
‘giddyap!’ and ‘whoa!'”), too complicated (“one person on all fours
with a strap-on strapped to their midsection, a second person riding
said strap-on, and a third person hitting the first person from behind
while holding on for dear life/giving a handjob to the second person”)
or too bitter (“when you give someone some kind of basic human right,
like marriage, and then take it away again after a few months”). Here
are the proposed definitions that made the cut:
(1) Logically, if “barebacking” means having butt sex with no
condom, then “saddlebacking” should mean having butt sex with a
condom.
(2) Saddleback (verb): to submit someone to any kind of humiliating,
unreciprocal sex act, either literally or metaphorically, consented to
by passive partner due to submissive tendencies, desire for approval,
or other darker motive—e.g., “I don’t know why Obama is letting Rick
Warren saddleback him into presiding over his inauguration.”
(3) The saddleback position involves placing your lubed dick between
the butt cheeks of your partner. This position can be performed on your
sides or on top of a facedown partner (maybe with a pillow under his or
her hips). My favourite way of finishing up the saddlebacking is to
lift up and come on my wife’s sweaty back. The saddleback is a nice
compromise position when your partner won’t allow anal entry.
(4) To saddleback is to rail against gay sex in public while
secretly indulging in the same in private. Ted Haggard? Total
saddlebacker. Larry Craig? Saddlebacker. Rick Warren? Probably a
saddlebacker.
(5) “Saddlebacking” should be the term for the phenomenon of
Christian teens engaging in unprotected anal sex in order to preserve
their virginities. “After attending the Purity Ball, Heather and Bill
saddlebacked all night because she’s saving herself for marriage.”
Please, please adopt this definition!
(6) Saddleback (verb): to ejaculate on the back of a partner at the
end of doggy-style anal sex.
(7) Before being invited to give the invocation, Warren was most
noted for his book The Purpose Driven Life. Therefore, “to
saddleback” is to fuck with a purpose, i.e., to procreate.
A heterosexual couple asked if they’re trying to have children could
reply, “No, we’re not ready for kids yet, but we’ll probably start
saddlebacking next year.”
Those are the nominees, ladies and gentlemen. But before we open the
polls for a vote—you’re going to pick the winning definition!—let
me quickly handicap the candidates:
(1) I like the idea that “sex” is understood to include condoms and
sex without condoms—bareback sex—needs a special term. But tons of
people suggested that “saddlebacking” should be the opposite of
“barebacking,” so here it is. (2) Seems a bit tortured and unlikely to
come into common usage, but I like the point the reader is making with
this definition, so I included it. (3) Technically this kind of
assfuckery—butt-cheek fucking a la titty fucking, with no actual
penetration—is a form of frottage, but like a woman doing a man in
the butt with a strap-on dildo (dubbed “pegging” by Savage Love
readers), this particular brand of rubbing off could use a name of its
own. (4) One of my favourites—but does a Haggard or Craig tumble out
of the closet often enough for the term to come into use? (5)
Hilarious—and an entirely appropriate way to honour reverend Warren,
who is a proponent of abstinence education, the “sex ed” that has
convinced so many Christian girls and boys that buttfucking isn’t
actually sex. (6) A common move—and not just in porn—that could use
a name. (7) Makes sense, so here it is. But I imagine Warren would
approve of this definition—except when lesbians use it (even you,
Melissa E.!).
Savage Love readers, “saddlebacking” is in your hands now. Vote for
your favourite definition by sending an email to saddleback@savagelove.net. You
must include “saddleback” and the number of your preferred definition
in the subject line to have your vote count (“saddleback: 1,”
“saddleback: 2,” etc.). Vote now!
Download Dan’s Savage Lovecast (his weekly podcast)
every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.
Email your sexo-political problems to mail@savagelove.net.
This article appears in Jan 15-21, 2009.