Q: Over the past few years,
my husband and I have realized that he has needs that I cannot meet. I
do not begrudge him these needs, and I would fill them if I could. We
discussed opening our relationship, but our therapist recoiled at the
idea. If I can’t help him and we can’t have someone else help him, what
can we do? We can’t imagine breaking up, but if we’re both unhappy,
then I can only assume that we will split eventually or one of us will
act out in resentment. We have been together for over a decade and love
each other deeply. I am physically sick over this situation, and I
don’t know what to do. I don’t know that I fully trust our therapist,
and I would like to hear an informed second opinion. I value your
advice. Life Decisions
A: Here’s an informed second
opinion: Fuck your asshole therapist. And here’s a better-informed
bonus third opinion:
“It’s incredibly unfortunate that some therapists either aren’t
educated about open relationships or buy into common myths about them,”
says Tristan Taormino, activist, author, pornographer and author of
Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open
Relationships. Way too many therapists, she says, “pathologize
people who want to open their relationships and try to convince them
that they have intimacy or commitment issues. You can be both intimate
with and fully committed to more than one partner, or be committed to
one partner and have sex with others.”
Tristan interviewed scores of couples in successful open
relationships, and she found that many initially opened their
relationships because of an issue of sexual incompatibility.
“The scenario you present is not uncommon,” she continues. “If you
really are committed to giving it a go, I’d advise you to find a new
therapist, one who has experience with—and not a prejudice
against—nonmonogamous clients. The right therapist can help you
figure out your limits, set boundaries and make an agreement about this
new type of relationship that works for both of you.”
You can also check out the stories, advice and references at
Tristan’s website, openingup.net.
Q: I’ve always found you to
be well reasoned and kind. That’s why your agreement with Perez Hilton
(and your reiteration of his comments) on Miss California was so
shocking. I’m a straight guy with a lifelong gay best friend. I’m
totally for gay rights in all respects. Still, it’s beneath you to call
someone who disagrees with you a “dumb bitch.” Though Christian
conservatives are too scared or too puritanical to accept gay marriage
at this time, it doesn’t mean millions of people are dumb. Don’t you
see that what you and Mr. Hilton are promulgating is hatred against a
person for that individual’s beliefs, something you both claim to
abhor? Basically On Your Side
A: I don’t think Miss
California is a dumb bitch for her beliefs, BOYS, but for her actions.
(“Love the sinner/dumb bitch, hate the sin/dumb bitchery.”) For the
record: There are lots of reasonable folks out there who oppose
same-sex marriage, and I can interact with them in a civil fashion.
What sets Miss CA apart from reasonable opponents of marriage
equality, BOYS, is her opportunism coupled with her stupidity.
I thought Perez Hilton went too far when he called Miss CA a “dumb
bitch” after the pageant—and said so on my blog. But I started to
come around to Hilton’s point of view after Miss CA, despite having
said at the pageant that she thought it was “great that Americans are
able to choose” gay marriage or “opposite marriage,” joined a political
campaign to deny marriage rights to gays and lesbians. Miss CA is
leveraging her spat with Hilton for her own personal financial gain.
Ghostwritten books, speaking gigs at evangelical churches, a potential
guest-host gig on The View—beats work, huh? And so what if it
oppresses gays and lesbians?
And that’s when I thought, “Hmm, I guess she is a bitch.”
And then came her interview on Fox News: “You know what, Greta? I
don’t have the answers to everything,” Miss CA told Greta Van Susteren
when she was asked about her position on civil unions. “I’m not running
for political office. I don’t have the answers to everything, you know,
in the world out there.” And when Van Susteren followed up by asking
Miss CA “what [she] thinks” about civil unions and gay people adopting
children, Miss CA responded, “I’m not a politician, so I can’t give you
an answer to that.” So seeing as she’s not a politician, Miss CA can’t
be expected to know what she herself thinks about adoptions and civil
unions.
And that’s when I thought, gawd, she’s dumb, too—and that’s when I
conceded Hilton was right.
Q: I’m a 17-year-old girl
who just became sexually active. My 16-year-old boyfriend doesn’t like
condoms, and I don’t like what birth control pills do to my emotions
and my skin. Now what do we do? Pregnancy Isn’t Looking Likely
A: I’ll be with you in a
minute, PILL. But first…
More stupidity and opportunism: Bristol Palin is now a spokesperson
for an organization that encourages teenagers to abstain from having
sex. “Regardless of what I did personally,” Bristol advised America’s
youth last week, “I just think that abstinence is the only…100
percent foolproof way you can prevent pregnancy.”
Here are some other 100 percent foolproof ways to prevent pregnancy,
Bristol: mutual masturbation, oral sex, anal sex, outercourse, sex toys
your partner can insert into you, sex toys you can insert your partner
into, cybersex, phone sex, GAY SEX. There are actually lots of
“foolproof” ways to be sexual and intimate without risking an unplanned
pregnancy. It’s possible for a teenager to have fulfilling sex, and the
intimacy and closeness that comes along with it, without risking
pregnancy.
Instead of telling teenagers to say no to sex—which will work
about as well as telling them to say no to drugs—we should tell them
there are ways to be sexual that carry no risk of pregnancy. But if
they do decide to have sex, of course, they’re going to need to know
about and have access to contraception and the “morning after”
pill—and, yes, abortion services. But if we continue to present being
sexually active as either/or—either abstinence or vaginal
intercourse—we’re going to see more outcomes like yours, Bristol.
When you explain to nervous, inexperienced teenagers that they don’t
have to jump right into full intercourse, they’re often relieved. (And
just imagine what we could have been spared—all of us, Bristol, from
your family to Levi’s family to the McCain campaign—if Levi had
limited himself to inseminating your tonsils.)
So, PILL, here’s what you do: Enjoy outercourse, oral, masturbation
and sex toys—and tell your boyfriend that these aren’t consolation
prizes for teenagers, but honest-to-God sex acts that adults
enjoy—until you and your boyfriend find the condoms and lube that
work for you.
Download Dan’s Savage Lovecast (his weekly podcast)
every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.
Email Dan at mail@savagelove.net.
This article appears in May 14-20, 2009.
you people are so fucked up. OMG I can’t believe I actually clicked the button…
“You can be both intimate with and fully committed to more than one partner” This is about the BEST cause for divorce EVER. Idiots! Polygamy is ILLEGAL in this country and so far nobody is looking to debate this natural value. To state a person (therapist) is “prejudice” against polygamy… you’ll find that position consitent with social norms and right up there with the LAW and ways to live a healthy lifestyle. Idiot!
If you don’t have trust you have NOTHING. If it’s okay for your S.O. to sink it into another what you have is NOT love, is NOT respect, is NOT commitment… I’ve got nothing against the occasional threesome but this advice is right out of Babylon, you fucking idiot!
Oh, and Dan, the best way to make the boyfriend wear a condom is to NOT FUCK HIM… he’ll figure it out. A condom will protect his partner from STD’s and it just so happens to protect her from pregnancy… let him fuck you with a toy? pfff… You’re an idiot!
I won’t be making this mistake again.
WOW i really cant believe someone would freak out so much over these perfectly reasonable alternative suggestions to peoples problems. the conventional way is not always going to help everyone. If someone wants a third party to save their relationship, why not? whatever works. there is no need to be scared of whats different from the norm, its important to break free from the fucking machine of “whats normal”
I read the first few lines of Kay’s comment, without seeing who it was by, and thought to myself “Kay.”
So let me get this straight hon – your partner beats you within an inch of your life, yet this would take second place to a mutually agreed upon open relationship, as a cause for divorce? Cause “be[ing] both intimate with and fully committed to more than one partner” is “about the best cause for divorce ever”?
Way to overreact, you idiot.
Also…you make the above statement, but you’re cool with “the occasional threesome?” Why do you feel the need to project your personal value system onto all others?
Also when did anyone mention polygamy? *Smashes head into keyboard repeatedly*
rat, “your partner beats you within an inch of your life” WTF?
Kay, you’re a small-minded and ill-informed moron, and your point of view is ridiculous. Having a threesome (which is basically a multi-partner one night stand) is okay in your books, but long term multi-partner relationships aren’t?
What backwater hillbilly rock did you crawl out from under? “Right out of Babylon”, wtf? If you’re going to make biblical references, I suggest you research the history of religiously sanctioned polygamy. While you’re at it, look into the difference between polygamy and polyamory, so you don’t sound like an uneducated twit.
Give your head a shake, lady, your views are nonsensical, inconsistent, and founded in nothing but your own delusions. Go impose your ignorance elsewhere.
My phrasing probably could have used some work, but basically I was saying there are far worse things that are a cause for divorce than a mutually agreed upon open relationship, if in fact the latter IS a cause for divorce (?) When I said “your partner” I didn’t mean “your, Kay’s,” I meant “anyone’s.”
Small minded? Pffft…. consider teaching your children this bullshit. Imagine advising your child a multi-partner sex life is “normal” or “healthy”… what do you do? Nix the words “health”, “commitment”, “faithful” and “til death do us part” from their vocabulary? Do you avoid the talk of communicable disease, infidelity and obliterate the concept of “saving it for your spouse” for the sake of fucking? How do you answer their questions about the sanctity or validity of marriage? Do you take that extra step and tell your daughter she’ll be fucked by many people and many toys? To what end? A blessed orgasm? I’m sorry but if you’re living a life where you gotta wonder who’s baby it is when you’ve missed your period there’s SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU. And what kind of coping skill should teens pickup in preparation of seeing the love of their life give their sex to another… many others at the same time? Do you teach your children how to bite their tongue? Do you teach them how to have self esteem so low that they should not expect commitment from anybody for anything including their virginity, including their sex.
I’m reeling here… instead of advising your daughter she’ll grow up and get married and have babies you people would have us think the modern or more liberal approach should be to advise her she’ll grow up to fuck…. men, women, toys, whatever…
Because your sex drive is bigger than your capacity for intelligence doesn’t mean anything except you’re horny… everything on the planet fucks. Get a hold of yourself and act like human beings rather than insatiable horny pigs.
Let him fuck your 16 year old with a toy… unbelievable.
The biggest cause for divorce is money. And it’s not lack of it or too much of it, it’s priority in spending that couples don’t see eye-to-eye on. If the majority of couples split over deciding where to put the money how many stay together when there’s confusion over where to put/get the cock?
Kay, as usual, you’re way off base, not to mention completely sensationalistic. Thanks for sharing your special brand of irrational, right-wing, reactionary bullshit. You’re like a mutant hyrbrid of Rush Limbaugh, Jerry Falwell, and Bill O’Reilly, but with even less intelligence as result of excessive inbreeding. It boggles the mind.
These ‘modern and liberal approaches’, as you call them, have existed throughout history and culture, and produce roughly the same degree of successful, healthy relationships as monogamy/marriage. Last I checked, the ‘sanctity’ of marriage has always been questionable, seeing as infidelity, divorce, etc are not modern concepts. Why do you think that ‘to death do us part’ can only apply to two people? And if you’re so in support of marriage, then why wouldn’t you support a solution that would potentially prevent a divorce?
You’re worried about the children, are you? You say you’re okay with threesomes, do you talk to your 16 yo daughter about your occasional threesomes? Do you tell her it’s okay that Mommy and Daddy occasionally fuck someone else together, but they don’t actually LOVE them or anything?
Your assumptions that anyone practicing a non-monogamous lifestyle isn’t having safe, healthy sex are absurd to say the least. I would wager that they are actually more likely to be upfront about such things as contraception, sexual history, etc, due to the fact that they’ve already managed to be open enough to negotiate a polyamorous relationship.
Be honest here, Kay, do you really think that this monogamous ‘standard’ that you’re preaching about hasn’t produced loads of unwanted teen pregnancies, infidelity, promiscuity, broken homes and failed marriages? We’re talking about an honest dialogue here, between two committed adults, that enables them to open their relationship to other honest, healthy relationships. You seem to be thinking of a bad Jerry Springer episode, which is not altogether surprising considering your background, but is ENTIRELY irrelevant to the subject matter at hand.
I’m really sorry that your concept of love, relationships, and the world in general is so small and limited. It must be really hard to keep yourself so sheltered and ignorant in a society of increasing awareness and acceptance.
P.S. Lots of people, married and single, straight and gay, young and old, use toys. I suggest you go pick yourself up a pretty pink vibrator, give yourself a decent orgasm, and chill the fuck out.
polyamorous, buzz word of the century… if you make a lifestyle of sexuality.
me0w, “These ‘modern and liberal approaches’… produce roughly the same degree of successful, healthy relationships as monogamy/marriage.”
Qualify this and we’ll have something to talk about.
And please tell us how exactly does a standard of monogamy cause “unwanted teen pregnancies, infidelity, promiscuity, broken homes and failed marriages”.
me0w, rate, alex, you all seem to believe honesty, monogamy and happiness/satisfaction are all mutually exclusive. I pity you.
And you are an energy sucking troll. You just take others’ thoughts and reasonable, reasoned responses to your beliefs and neatly slide your own twisted interpretation onto them, creating straw men to battle against and drowning your opponent in an avalanche of verbal diarrhea. From now on no more energy for you. Kay boycott! I hope others join. You can scream your head off as far as I’m concerned.
i just believe that there are other answers out there and its important to be open minded. things change. you should be more open minded
There’s a big difference between being open to new ideas and being bright enough to see direct and indirect consequences of acting on such ideas. There are, in fact, old ideas. And has our definition of love, trust or commitment changed along the way? No.
I’ve qualified my opinion and asked some penetrating questions but there are no answers offered. Ask yourself why.
Did anyone say anything about polygamy??
Kay you apparently are unaware of what men tend to be really like and actually quite a few women. We are animals in our very basic natures. Scientists call ourselves human animals. A large majority of the animal population has several mates, it’s how they maintain their existence. Monogamy or having just one mate is a Protestant or organized religious belief. And our laws for the most part are based on the Bible. It is ridiculous to deny what we are. That is why affairs happen. No one person can satisfy all the needs we have as complicated creatures and to be so small minded is irresponsible. And if everybody involved is okay with it who are you to judge or condemn? Who made you so righteous?
Oh and for the record being polyamorous is not just about sex just as monogamy is not just about sex. Both are a lifestyle and who says which is correct. Kay, you have the right to your OPINION…. because that is all that it is. Who are you to say what is right or wrong? Do women have the right to vote if you continue in that vein of logic. Or should blacks, Asians or Mexicans have the right to vote or be unsegregated? Who says or decides what is right and wrong? Because a group of politcians who were religiously biased by their Purtianical background (who by the way fled Europe because of religious persecution) made up a Constitution which in turn laws were created based on Biblical and Roman guidelines that makes it wrong? Whose bible and whose god? The Native Americans? The Druids? The Hindis? The Muslims? Does not our Constitution afford us the right to speak and believe the way we want? Meaning that those who believe it is perfectly natural to NEED more than one mate are within their right and correctedness to express it and explore it with out persecution? So that would make you Un-American according to our Constitutional rights, which have been twisted to suit religious bias and intentions and agendas. How about if we persecute you and tell you how evil you are to go against the natural order in which YOUR very god you believe in created. How about we jail you for monogamy and the extinction of the human race. The bible said to go out and prosper. The men of the bible had several wives to ensure propagation. Go ahead and argue it was the old testament, but the point being… God sanctioned it. And who wrote the bible? Fallible men… humans Prone to flaws.
Kay…. go onto a BDSM site and educate yourself. I know plenty of people who do not have monogamous relationships and they do have perfectly emotionally healthy children. So it’s okay to perpetuate the “Cinderella” myth that there are knights in shining armor? You are honest with your children. You tell them the truth. You love them. And there is commitment in polyamorous relationships and faithfulness. There are guidelines and rules. It is not about sex drives and going out having sex with everything that moves. You make yourself look stupid by being ill informed on your facts. They are open. There is jealousy at times but it is worked out. Everyone knows their place and they communicate as in any relationship. And there are good and bad ones just as most marriages. What it boils down to is it is a relationship. There are ups and downs. You really should get more informed. I am curious have you ever spoken to a polyamorous couple or group? Or are you just going off you and your friends own bad experiences with relationships and commitment? You cannot have a well informed opinion until you explore both sides of the issue with an open objective mind. You’d be surprised at the American population and how many live this way (it is in the thousands). We don’t vocalize it because of witch hunters like yourself. Has everyone of your partners satisfied ALL of your needs? Any single one? Are you truly happy? Do you ever have moments where you “just wish he” whatever….? Never picked up a romance novel or bitched to a friend about what is missing from your life or partner? Quite being a hypocrite.
You are just stuck on the sex… I pity you. Your capacity for intelligence is limited by your need to be angry and persecute something you truly do not know anything about. Ignorance is bliss for you isn’t it?
While I agree that Kay is too quick to judge, and she is incorrect in a lot of what she says, you xoxox1000 are just as bad. Polyamorous relationships are no more “right” than monogamous relationships. Everyone is different, and you xoxox1000 have no more right to sit there and judge Kay than Kay has to judge you – and by claiming that polyamorous relationships are “right” and monogomous relationships are “wrong” you are equally as stupid and closed-minded as Kay. Who are YOU to judge right and wrong any more than she is. You BOTH need to learn that everyone is entitled to their own beliefs and to believe a monogamous relationship is “right” is no more closed-minded than to believe a polyamorous relationship is “right”. Talk about a hypocrit!
I’m a hypocrit? Promiscuity is legal grounds for divorce in this country… how does that sit with your “open mind” and in evaluating right from wrong? Should we go outlawing marriage and redefining it or abolishing it just for you and your loose, unsatisfied sex drive and “open” mind? I thought not. Back to the horny harem with ya, princessa.
xoxoxo, “So that would make you Un-American according to our Constitutional rights”
Uhm, we’re Canadians with a Charter of rights. I’m proud to say I’m NOT an American, thank you very much.
xoxoxo, “You cannot have a well informed opinion until you explore both sides of the issue”
I’m sure I’m not the only one who dumped a boyfriend because he “fell” and landed with his cock in another. Is that enough experience for ya? Or should we talk about growing up with a single parent too?
xoxoxo, “You are just stuck on the sex”
No. I’m stuck on commitment that would see me and my partner HEALTHY human beings teaching such values to our children.
Geeze, I said I wasn’t going to make this mistake again. Nobody’s perfect.
I can honestly say that I cannot see how a person can have a sexual relationship with more than one person and still be perfectly committed to only one person. It is inevitable that you are eventually going to have sex with someone you like more than your spouse. And then what happens? Pair bonding is one of the main characteristics that keep humans together past the initial infatuation stage of a relationship. It is supposed to ensure that the couple’s children are looked after until they at least reach adulthood. Without wanting to be attacked by everyone on this board, most men and women do not want someone else fucking their spouse/significant other. Maybe some people can maintain a close loving relationship with one person while engaging in sexual relations with other people, but I just can’t see how this could survive over the long term. Eventually your spouse will get boring (a natural thing to happen) and you will meet someone else who really cranks your motor (if you know what I mean). When this happens, most people will fall in love or lust and will forget all about their boring old partner at home. How could this not lead to jealousy and resentment? And please don’t tell me it takes maturity (as through a successful monogamous relationship takes immaturity.) Nothing is more difficult and rewarding than successful monogamous marriage. However, many couples never achieve it because of many reasons including a lack of maturity.
In short, I guess I am saying that an open relationship maybe ok for some people, but it is not something I could do and be satisfied with. It is like wanting to have your cake and eat it, too.
Princessa- I never said monogamy was wrong. And I did not judge Kay. I said she was close minded and ignorant with regards to a polyamorous relationship… due to her statement of perceived facts and her OPINION of right and wrong. Re-read and this time please pay attention.
Turts- I will not attack you… lol. To each his own. I was merely stating that I have been witness to polyamorous relationships including my own that have worked and worked for several years just as a monogamous ones do…. and that it is more than sex. They are open to the same problems any relationship is… and they take work like any other relationship does. My best friend is my partner in this. He is an amazing man. And my other best friend is another woman that is apart of this relationship. There is no jealousy to be perfectly honest. There are arguments, there is love. There is a shared responsibility for household chores and finances. Jealousy stems from insecurity… we are not insecure or worried “Something Better” may come along. That can happen no matter what lifestyle you chose to be a apart of. If marriage was such a great thing then why is divorce at an all time high? And it’s not just men… it’s women too now that are more apt to cheat. Cheating and having an affair is not gender specific… nor is it lifestyle specific.
Just trying to shed a more informed light on a lifestyle people want to judge… and then also judge it against the Bible or in God’s name. It’s his job to judge, not ours. And to Princessa… I would not be in this lifestyle if I was close minded… and I have been married… I just realized it was not something I was meant for…. but I do not want to sleep with everything that walks by nor am I inclined to… Again that is not what being polyamorous is about.