I’m going to France!

Q: Here’s a hypothetical
for you: You’ve been corresponding with a young man who lives in Paris.
You know him through a friend in France, and your friend has vetted
him. He has offered to pay more than half of your airfare so that you
can visit him in Paris. You’ve spoken to him on the phone, and hearing
him speak to you in French makes your knees weak.

On the one hand, you can’t really afford it. You’re also not
working, and once you get a job you won’t be able to go. You live with
your parents, and you don’t know how you’d explain taking a trip when
you’re technically broke.

But if your parents disappeared into thin air, you wouldn’t hesitate
to go. The trip also might turn out to be a crushing disappointment. On
the other hand, you might be passing up the romantic adventure of a
lifetime. And he’s just…so…pretty.

Do you go? —Anxious Straight Girl
PS: I am attaching
his photo so you can see why I’m considering this. I trust you will not
publish it?

A: You can trust me not to
publish the picture, ASG, but anyone who wants an idea of what this boy
looks like is invited to quickly Google “Gaspard Ulliel,” turn those
blue eyes brown, take a moment to masturbate, and then come back and
finish reading this week’s column.

OK, ASG, hypothetically…I go.

I lie to my parents. I tell them a friend—someone they know,
someone who’ll lie for me—lent me the money and I’m going to go spend
a few days in France with my friend (the same one who vetted this boy)
before I land a job.

But…I wouldn’t be going at all if a friend hadn’t vetted this guy.
And I wouldn’t go if I didn’t have somewhere to stay besides this boy’s
place.

And I would treat our first meeting like any first meeting with a
stranger I’d met online: That first meeting would be in a public place;
I would let someone know where I was going and who I was with; and it
wouldn’t be an open-ended date—for instance, I would see him for
lunch and have iron-clad plans to hang out with other friends later
that same afternoon.

I would also go to France with my bullshit detector fully charged.
It’s not like there’s a shortage of good-looking French girls. So why
is he pining away for an American girl he might never meet with so much
French pussy at his disposal? Maybe he’s so smitten with me that French
pussy won’t do…or…maybe he’s a socially maladapted leotard who
can’t get laid despite his looks.

I would remind myself not to overestimate my awesomeness and to be
on the lookout for signs of social leotardation once I met the
dude.

And finally, ASG, if I went to France and didn’t hit it off with
this boy, I would thank my lucky stars that my internet crush lived in
Paris, France, and not Paris, Texas, and enjoy the trip—and other
French boys—regardless.

Q: I’m a 28-year-old
heterosexual male with two questions. I’ve seen you on television
talking about the shitty job president Obama has done on gay rights so
far. My question is this: Obama said he was against gay marriage during
the campaign. How could you ardently support a candidate who sees your
love as worthless compared to heterosexual love? If I were gay, I’d
automatically dismiss any candidate who didn’t support full equality
for gay people. Hell, I’m straight and I’m pretty close to doing
that.

Also: I recently slept with a women who squirted when she came. She
demanded that I pull out when she began to come. Is there some reason
women who squirt don’t want a dick inside them when they do? Curious if
you had any insight on this.

Love the column,

-Pro Equality And Chicks Ejaculating
PS: Here’s a pic.
Thought it might persuade you to answer my questions. Feel free to
share it with your readers.

A: Thanks for allowing me
to share that picture of your ass with my readers, PEACE, because if
any backside deserves a worldwide audience, it’s yours. To see the
photo, dear readers, go to thestranger.com/savage/peacebutt.

Now…during the Democratic primary, I was fond of saying that I was
“for Clinton or Obama or both.” So I wouldn’t describe myself as an
ardent Obama supporter. But I was in the tank by the time of the
election.

And like most gays and lesbians, I’ve been severely disappointed by
president Obama’s refusal to move on the promises that candidate Obama
made to the gay and lesbian community. I was willing to be patient,
though—until the Obama administration compared gay marriage to incest
and child rape when arguing for the constitutionality of the Defense of
Marriage Act. That’s when I blew my big gay stack.

But that doesn’t answer your question: Why would I support a
candidate who views my love for my partner as somehow inferior to his
love for his wife? Because I’m not an idiot. Because I’m not a
single-issue voter and Obama was better on other issues—on gay issues
and every other issue—than his Republican opponent.

Because politics is about the art of the possible and, I’m sorry,
Dennis Kucinich just wasn’t possible.

As for the squirtin’ ladies: I talked to three, and all three said
that the contractions they experience as they ejaculate are so
intense—and so “outward directed” in the words of one—that they
want everything out at once: their come and anything else that should
happen to be in ’em when they blow their loads. Added one of my
friends: “He had a squirter right there in front of him—why didn’t he
ask her?”

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY: The police in Fort Worth, Texas, marked
the 40th anniversary of the Stonewall rebellion by raiding a gay bar
called The Rainbow Lounge. One of the men arrested, Chad Gibson, was so
brutally assaulted by the police that, as of this writing, he remains
hospitalized with a life-threatening brain injury.

Police chief Jeff Halstead claims that the men at The Rainbow Lounge
made lewd advances toward his officers and specifically accused Gibson,
a slight 26-year-old, of groping one of his cops. This preposterous
claim is contradicted by eyewitness accounts and photographic
evidence.

We can’t let the police in Fort Worth use the Gay Panic Defense
(“That fag touched me, so of course I beat him nearly to death!”) to
excuse this brutal violation of the civil rights of Fort Worth’s gay
community.

If you’re on Facebook, please show your support by joining the
Rainbow Lounge Raid group (tinyurl.com/lavecu). And please email
or call the mayor of Fort Worth—Mike Moncrief, 817-392-6118, mike.moncrief@fortworthgov.org—and demand a full investigation into the raid on The Rainbow Lounge.

This article appears in Jul 9-15, 2009.