Q: Recently, I celebrated my first year of marriage
to the most amazing man. When we first began dating, he told me that he
enjoys open sexuality and wants swinging to be part of any partnership
he’s in. I regard myself as free-spirited and agreed to explore this
with him. We delayed experimentation because I had a stressful job and
I wanted to spend my limited free time with him instead of exploring
our sexuality with multiple partners. My work situation changed and we
have since had about a dozen experiences in the past year. I have
discovered that these situations are not a turn-on for me—in fact,
they are a turnoff. I feel resentful after these episodes and I don’t
feel like having sex for days. We have been seeing a counsellor.
Recently, we had a civil discussion when we discussed the possibility
of him having sexual experiences without me, since I do not find them
compelling. This idea appealed to him. He proposed going to a sex party
alone that very night.
Ever since then, I have been crushed by the prospect of my husband
having a sex life outside of our relationship. Since we met, his
sexuality has had an outward trajectory, rather than being
relationship-centered. Having a healthy sexual relationship with him is
enough for me. He makes a good point that he has been straight about
his desire for this lifestyle since day one, but I am still frustrated
that my husband needs to have sex outside of our marriage. I can’t help
but feel hurt that I alone am not enough for him. I’d appreciate your
straight, honest feedback. Sex Best OneOnOne
a Straight, honest feedback: You are an idiot. Your husband informed you in advance about the “outward trajectory” of
his sexuality; you knew going in that your husband could never be
satisfied in a marriage that didn’t involve “open sexuality” and
swinging. Don’t come crying to me because the man you married wants to
have sex with other people. You knew that before you married him,
SBOOO, because he fucking told you so.
You’re unlikely to encounter a marriage counsellor who’ll take your
husband’s side (non-monogamy? boo!) over yours (monogamy? yay!), SBOOO,
so I’m going to come to his defence: You’re never going to convince
your husband that one-on-one ought to be enough. You’ll have a hard
time convincing him you didn’t deceive him in the run-up to this
marriage. When he told you that monogamy was a deal breaker, SBOOO, you
replied that you were “free-spirited” and willing to “explore.” But,
alas, circumstances beyond your control prevented you from any
explorations until after the wedding, and only after he married you did
you discover that your husband’s sexual interests both frustrated and
horrified. How convenient.
Because if you’d been a little less stressed at work, SBOOO, maybe
you could’ve made time for a little swinging before the wedding. Then
you might’ve learned that non-monogamy wasn’t for you. Oh, but your
work schedule didn’t allow for premarital explorations and now this
amazing man has to decide whether to go through the hell of a
divorce—knowing full well that he will be seen as the bad guy by all
your relatives and friends and 99.99 percent of marriage
counsellors—or give in to your emotional, sexual and financial
blackmail.
Want more evidence that you weren’t negotiating with your husband in
good faith before the wedding, SBOOO? How about this: You aren’t
negotiating with him in good faith now. So you recently had “a civil
discussion” with him about the possibility of his going to sex parties
alone—but you were crushed when he wanted to take you up on it. Once
again he wants to fuck around, once again you agree in principle, once
again he proposes fucking around in earnest and once again you lose
your shit—only this time you go boohooing to an advice columnist and
not a marriage counsellor.
Sorry, SBOOO. You want and always wanted a monogamous commitment.
Free spirit, my ass. Your husband didn’t and doesn’t. You are sexually
incompatible. Divorce. Get it over with.
Q: I’m in my 20s and have a loving girlfriend. We have phenomenal sex, but I love anal sex and she doesn’t. We’ve done it many times, but it’s always painful for her and that makes it less
enjoyable for me. Off The Pot
A: Taking less enjoyment in anal sex when it causes your partner pain—you are a gentleman, OTP. But chivalry requires
more of you, I’m afraid: Your girlfriend tried it and doesn’t like it.
If you can’t live without the butt, break up with the girlfriend. If
you can’t live without the girlfriend, break up with the
butt.
Q: I’m a male with submissive tendencies and my
wife decides when I get to orgasm. We have sex regularly, but she only
lets me ejaculate occasionally. She finds that I’m more attentive to
her now that we’re doing “orgasm denial,” and I get to scratch my
submissive itch. Ain’t life grand?
Here’s my question: I enjoy pushing the limits, and I’ve gone as
long as six weeks without release. (We use a CB-6000 chastity cage on
my cock so I won’t succumb in a moment of weakness.) But I’m a little
concerned about the effects on my prostate. After several weeks of
denial, I leak precome when aroused. I’ve read that recent studies
showed that frequent ejaculation reduces the risk of prostate cancer.
Am I putting myself at greater risk by ejaculating so infrequently? Can
you ask your medical expert? Loving Orgasms And Denial Every
Day
A: Two orgasm-denial questions in two weeks? It’s
officially a trend! Can a Good Morning America segment be far
behind?
“We still have very little idea what might cause or prevent prostate
cancer,” says Dr. Barak Gaster, associate professor of medicine at the
University of Washington and our resident medical expert. “There are
some clues—red meat, probably bad; vegetables, probably good; vitamin
E, probably not helpful—but we’re really still in the dark.” And
while most studies have shown frequent ejaculation to be good for
prostate health, one recent study out of the UK showed the exact
opposite.So what should you do? Rely on the best-available study,
advises Gaster. “[That study] followed US men for eight years and found
that those with the most ejaculations per month (more than 20) had a 30
percent lower risk of prostate cancer compared to those who were having
fewer per month (about five).” There’s good news in the study for you:
“The five percent of men who reported having zero to three per month
appeared to have a lower risk for prostate cancer as well,” said
Gaster. “The caveat is that this group was too small to make
conclusions. But it looks like coming more than 20 times a month could
be good for you in terms of prostate cancer, but it’s unlikely that
coming very little, like zero to three times per month, is necessarily
bad for you compared to coming once or twice a week.”
So ejaculate frequently, guys, or ejaculate rarely, because it would
appear that moderation in pursuit of prostate health is no virtue.
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This article appears in Feb 12-18, 2009.