Q:I recently discovered,
accidentally, while moving things out of my 16-year-old son’s room
prior to a renovation, a cache of my sex toys that had mysteriously
disappeared over the past year. While I’ve wondered how it was possible
to misplace a glow-in-the-dark crucifix-shaped dildo (complete with
Jesus in relief), it never dawned on me that it might be an inside
job.
This raises several issues. There’s the you-stole-my-stuff problem,
with responses available from the full range of the passive-aggressive
scale. But the nature of the swag complicates matters. I kind of need
to know whether he took them to snicker over with his friends or
whether he has used them. I’m dead certain if he’s used my insertables,
that he did so without putting condoms on them first.
So it seems I need to force the you-stole-my-stuff conversation in
order to have the safe-toy-use conversation. Suggestions?
Discomfited Aged Deviant
A: You’re gonna have to have
a long talk with the little shit, DAD.
First, apologize for snooping—accidentally, of course, during a
“renovation.” Uh-huh. Then bring up the sex toys. Be matter-of-fact
about it, DAD, but firm enough to communicate a sense of violation: He
violated your privacy and your glow-in-the-dark crucifix-shaped dildo,
a sex toy that was consecrated to your orifice(s) and your orifice(s)
alone. (“Your orifice(s)” refers to your own personal orifice, DAD, as
well as the orifices of your chosen sex partners, a position that is
not—one hopes—open to your 16-year-old son.) Don’t let on that
you’re embarrassed, even if you are—force a smile.
Then turn the tables on your son and embarrass the shit out of the
little shit: Ask him if he was penetrating himself with your
crucidildo, and ask him if he has any questions about sex toys in
general or butt toys in particular. He’ll insist that he wasn’t
sticking that thing in his ass—although we both know he was—because
he’ll want to end this conversation quickly. Your job, DAD, is to
drag…this…out…to achieve maximum mortification.
Tell him that you’re aware that he might be too shy to admit to
using butt toys or to ask for info about the proper use of butt toys,
so…you’re going to walk him through butt-toy safety and etiquette
just to be on the safe side. Then explain it all to him. Tell him about
the importance of using lots of lube, of washing sex toys with hot
water and a little soap after each use, of putting condoms over them
for safety’s sake—and tell him about how one preps an orifice to
accept a glow-in-the-dark crucifix (and just how many “Our Fathers” one
has to say for penance after doing such a thing). Conclude by pointing
out that sex toys aren’t something people share (particularly with
their parents), so the one you’d been using, the one he stole and used
himself, is going to have to be deconsecrated now, i.e., disposed of.
Then offer to get him one of his own and a bottle of lube.
The point is to make him feel bad for invading your privacy and
swiping your stuff, DAD, but not for whatever it was he might have done
with your stuff. A long talk about butt toys—safe use, storage,
ethical procurement—will make him realize that violating your privacy
and stealing your sex toys invites conversations that he doesn’t want
to have with his dad.
qMy wife of three years
has a problem with me masturbating. At one point, we made a deal that I
wouldn’t do it while she’s in the house. That would be just fine with
me, except that she is rarely out of the house without me. Our sex is
really, really great, but I’m pretty horny and I like to masturbate
once in a while. She says that she feels like I’m cheating on her.
About a year ago, I DID cheat on her—yes, I’m an idiot—and maybe
this is my punishment, but I’ve always needed to masturbate a lot. I do
it to relieve stress and sometimes just because I get horny and I want
to stop being horny in a minute or two so that I can concentrate on
something else. This just doesn’t have very much to do with her, and I
feel stupid trying to justify myself to her on this matter. How do you
think I should resolve this situation? Jerk Off
aWhen someone you love is
irrational and controlling about some aspect of your private life that
doesn’t involve or affect her—say, your masturbatory routine,
JO—you have options:
First, you can waste a lot of time and energy trying to talk her out
of being irrational and controlling and idiotic. That approach is
unlikely to make things better and could make matters worse: “Gee, you
must really love to beat off without me around, seeing as you’re really
going to the mat for this.”
Your second, and far superior, option is to tell her what she wants
to hear—“For you, I won’t masturbate”—and then beat off when you
want to or when you need to and lie about it. Beat off on the kitchen
table when she’s out of the house; slip away for 10 minutes to take a
“crap” or a “nap” when she’s home. So long as you’re an attentive lover
and you’re not neglecting her needs, and so long as you’re not
inconsiderately leaving evidence all over the place, feel free to work
around her irrationality with a little harmless deceit.
qI dislike a lot of things
about your column: I disagree with your stance on religion and I’m
against homosexual marriage. But I love reading your column: It’s like
a car wreck—I have to look. Anyway, I am a 32-year-old heterosexual
married man. My wife and I have a great sex life. We have been married
just over a year. She is pretty open to just about anything, except ONE
thing: When she is blowing me, sometimes instead of coming in her
mouth, I want to come all over her face. She finds that repulsive. She
normally has no problem with swallowing my come or letting me come on
her chest. But for some reason, the face just creeps her out. She says
it’s degrading. Now, I cannot for the life of me understand how
unloading on her face is any more degrading than coming in her mouth or
on her chest. Any advice?
Facials Are Causing Embarrassment
aSorry, FACE, but your
wife is correct: Facials are degrading—and that’s why they’re so hot.
Now, I would normally arm a married man in your predicament with some
killer talking points guaranteed to convince his wife to let him blow a
load on her face, FACE, but…I’m not going to help you out. While
being denied a little sex advice doesn’t compare to being denied the
right to wed, I reserve the right to discriminate against straight
married assholes who support discrimination against me. If there’s a
married straight man out there who supports marriage equality and wants
some advice on talking the wife into facials, I would be more than
happy to share my surefire, fail-proof, 100-percent-guaranteed
pro-facial arguments with you. And if you’re a justice on the Iowa
State Supreme Court—which last week ruled unanimously in favor of
marriage equality for same-sex couples—I’ll toss in a free phone
consultation.
Download Dan’s Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast)
every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.
Email Dan at mail@savagelove.net.
This article appears in Apr 9-15, 2009.