Cold feet

Q: Why do guys wear socks on their feet in porn? I
say it’s a tradition. My friends claim it is a foot-fetish thing. My
credibility rides on this, so thanks for answering. Socked In
Denver

A: Socks in porn a tradition? Sorry, SID, but no.
Socks on feet in porn—as opposed to socks on cocks?—are like zits
on butts in porn or track marks on arms in porn. They’re incidental,
not traditional. Unless someone licks socked feet or the socks are
removed and used as gags, they’re not a “foot-fetish thing.” So it
appears neither you nor your friends have any credibility on porn
attire, SID.

Q: I was recently on an airplane seated next to a
man talking on his cellphone. The man said he “was excited to use his
new strap-on tonight!” It made me wonder why and how a guy would use a
strap-on. Wouldn’t he just use his own penis? When I glanced over at
this guy, because I wasn’t sure how a man would use a strap-on, he told
his caller he had to go as he was getting the “stink-eye” from me. I
was just curious because he acted like this was a normal toy for guys.
All my gay friends were stumped, too. Could you solve this mystery?
StinkEye In 12E

A: The most obvious answer: The strap-on was a late
Christmas gift presented to him to be used on him, not by him. A slightly less-obvious answer: Some small-dicked men—ones who
are not at all insecure—use strap-ons on partners who enjoy a
“filled-up” feeling from time to time. The least obvious answer: The
man on the airplane was a female-to-male transsexual who, like a lot of
forward-thinking FTMs, declined to get an expensive phalloplasty during
his transition and the pretty much nonfunctional penis a phalloplasty
“endows” an FTM with. Instead, he invested in a high-quality,
looks-like-a-prick, feels-like-a-sneaker strap-on.

If your gay friends couldn’t come up with any of these answers,
SEI12E, you need smarter, more insightful, more credible gay
friends.

Q: Long-time reader, first-time writer.

In last week’s column, there was a letter from JON, a young,
just-out gay kid who is not ready for anal sex. Please excuse a
question from a naive but well-meaning/curious straight guy…but what
other kinds of gay sex are there? Just hands-on and oral, kind of like
what us hetero folks do? Or are there other things that would blow my
plain-vanilla-sex mind? DumbAss White Guy

A: You mean straight people haven’t heard of
ear-holin’ and nose-bangin’ and socket-fuckin’ and piss-slittin’ and
ann-coulterin’? You gotta get out more, DAWG.

Actually, there are no mysterious gay sex acts. And there are things
we can’t do at all. We can call it “boypussy” and “mangina” all we
want, but two gay men aren’t going to do vaginal intercourse as well as
heteros, and lesbians who want to snowball have to resort to
cream-cheese frosting cut with a little milk. The only pronounced
difference between gay and straight sex—besides the hotness—is that
most gay folks regard “hands-on” and oral as “real sex,” not as
consolation prizes we’re handed when “real” sex isn’t in the
offing.

Straight folk—particularly men—would do well to emulate queers
in this. The more things you consider to be “real” sex, the more real
sex you’ll be having.

Q: Dan, your advice to LIMP—the man reluctant to
use a vibrator on/with his wife—was right on! I’m a 34-year-old woman
who needs a vibrator to get off and for years I felt “defective.” My
husband didn’t exactly help at first, but he eventually asked me to
show him how I did it. He wanted to try. Bingo—the look on my face
was all he needed; he was a convert from that moment on.

One of his issues with the vibrator, though, was the phallic shape;
he felt it was replacing him. Many men don’t like vibrators for that
reason. It’s bigger, harder and lasts longer—all that can intimidate
a guy. But you can buy inches-long vibrators, egg-shaped ones and
butterfly-shaped ones. LIMP should visit his local adult-toy shop with
his wife and pick out a silly one that doesn’t compete.

Bottom line: She has been brave enough to share her needs with you.
Would you prefer it if she faked it for your entire marriage and took
care of herself in private? Nothing Beats A Good Buzz

A: Thanks for sharing, NBAGB.

SADDLEBACKING DEFINED: The votes are in, the
people have spoken, our democratic ideals are renewed. But first:
Anyone who picks up the January 24 issue of the Economist—I
pick it up every week for the “Page 3 Boy,” sudoku puzzle, and
horoscopes—will find this lead paragraph to a story about Barack
Obama’s inauguration.

“Any decision Barack Obama makes can cause a stir. He invited Rick
Warren, a popular pastor, to say a few words at his inauguration. The
aim was to stroke conservative Christians, thereby fostering a warm
feeling of national unity. But some of Mr. Obama’s gay supporters were
appalled. Though hardly a fire-breather by the standards of Southern
Baptists, Mr. Warren holds old-fashioned views about homosexuality.
Bloggers lamented Mr. Obama’s ‘betrayal.’ Dan Savage, a gay columnist,
urged his readers to protest by coining a new meaning for
‘Saddleback’—the name of Mr. Warren’s church. Many of the suggestions
were unprintable.”

Unprintable? Not true, Economites. I printed all of them right here.
So it’s not that the suggestions were unprintable—there’s not one
single profanity in the lot—it’s you poofs don’t have the balls to
print them. That’s different.

And now, the winning definition of “saddleback”…by a gaping
margin…definition number five.

“Saddlebacking: the phenomenon of Christian teens engaging in
unprotected anal sex in order to preserve their virginities.” After
attending the Purity Ball, Heather and Bill saddlebacked all night
because she’s saving herself for marriage.

This definition is perfect. Saddlebacking, like barebacking,
involves a person riding another’s backside. But here, it’s not the
bare-naked cock-in-ass that’s the most important feature of the ride,
but the fact that the person being ridden has been saddled—thanks to
the Rick Warrens of this world—with religious hang-ups and serious
misconceptions about sex. Like a barebacker who casually tosses away
his health—or his partner’s health—because he believes, quite
erroneously, that “risky = sexy,” the saddlebacker offers up her ass
because she believes, quite erroneously, that she can get fucked in the
ass and still be considered a virgin on her wedding night.

I’ve set up saddlebacking.com to popularize the
definition. (Get to work, Google bombers!) Spread the URL far and wide,
please, and let’s get this term into common usage as quickly as
possible.

Download Dan’s Savage Lovecast (his weekly podcast)
every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.

Email Dan at mail@savagelove.net.

This article appears in Jan 29 – Feb 4, 2009.