Q I’m a straight guy, and my first girl was very experienced—she
was proud to say she’d been with at least 30 guys before me. When all
was said and done, she said that I was the most well-endowed of any man
she’d seen before.
In all my subsequent experiences, the women I’ve been with have
noted that I am a well-equipped dude, though none of them expected it.
A couple of times, this fact has come up in conversation (that first
lady made a point of passing this news on to friends), and most
people’s reaction is to say that I’m just so unassuming that they
wouldn’t expect that from me. It’s true; I’m rather shy. When it comes
to women, I am the complete opposite of cocky.
So here’s my question: Should I be advertising my “gift”? Am I
supposed to be sharing my size with the world with the hopes that it
pays off? Can it help me with the opposite sex to be sharing this fact
early, or am I better off just letting the surprise kick in once it’s
time to get naked? –Huge Hugh
A It’s better to be a nice, unassuming guy with a surprise in his
briefs than it is to be another douchebag always going on about his
cock, HH. And it doesn’t sound like you really need to talk up your
cock: At least one of the women you’ve slept with is doing that for
you. Good word of mouth is the best advertising, HH, so chill.
Q I just got off the phone after another long-distance fight—I
mean, discussion—with my mother regarding her godson, my cousin “A.”
I am SURE (and my brother and father agree) that A is gay, like his dad
(long story). He talks incessantly about finding A Nice Christian Girl
and Settling Down (although he doesn’t even date). It makes me want to
vomit. Unfortunately, A has absorbed his mother’s reactionary religious
dogma. I say he should get some therapy and try to have a happy and
fulfilled life as the person he really is. My mother says he is
“asexual.” I say he was scarred by his childhood (his father left his
mother for a man and later died of AIDS). This argument has been going
on for a decade.
I’m not close enough to anyone in my extended family to feel
comfortable bringing this up with my cousin directly or with any of his
immediate relatives, but I feel miserable watching from afar and seeing
A waste his potential for happiness. What I want (and the source of the
basic argument) is for my mother to talk to him—she and A are very
close—but she is convinced that he is “just not interested” in
sex.
Can you think of any loving way to resolve this? –Wishes There
Could Be An Intervention
A Want an intervention? Intervene already and stop trying to make
your mother do it. If you’re not close to your cousin or your extended
family, WTCBAI, then you have nothing to lose. Confront your cousin,
make a scene, save a life.
Q I am a 21-year-old bisexual female. I’ve never really been close
with my mom, and since I moved away from home three years ago it’s
gotten worse. I know that she loves me because I’m her daughter, but I
don’t think she likes the young adult I’m growing into. Yet she insists
I visit her and stay at her house for weeks when I have time off from
college so she can talk me out of liking anything she hates. When I’m
with my friends, I’m quite witty and outgoing, particularly about sex.
But when I stay with her, my personality becomes crippled and stunted
by her authority. I seem to just end up not saying anything at all for
fear of offending her. Last year I stupidly told her that I like
watching porn; now it’s something that she’s always bringing up. For
example, I got into a conversation with her about a recent breakup and
asked her if all men were like my cheating ex. She told me that she
thought his cheating was my fault—because I watch porn, she said, I
must have been sending out subliminal messages that I approve of women
being sexually exploited.
She raised me to be a feminist, but I can’t bring myself to ask her
if she would kick up this much of a fuss if I were a 21-year-old man
who watched porn. I don’t know what to do to make her happy, short of
having some sort of porn-aversion therapy. I feel really conflicted:
Away from my mother, I feel like a confident, empowered young woman;
when I’m with her, I feel like this mute, angry, introverted little
victim.
I know exactly what I’d do if this were a relationship, but how
should I resolve a difficult mother/daughter relationship? –Can I Dump
My Mother?
a If hanging out with your mother makes you miserable, CIDMM, don’t
hang out with your fucking mother. You’re a 21-year-old adult—not a
young adult, not someone “growing into” adulthood, but an adult
already—and you’re in no way obligated to spend all of your free time
under your mother’s roof. Head off with your friends over college
breaks, travel, watch porn. (Or better yet: Make some porn—see
thestranger.com/hump for
details!) Head home for the holidays if you must. And since your mother
is inclined to use the details of your personal life that you share
with her against you, don’t tell her anything about your personal
life.
Q Help me figure this one out, Dan: Why is it that men are such
douche-drizzling assholes? –Wish I Ate Pussy Instead
A The only reason you think men are assholes—douche-drizzlers at
that—is because you fuck men, WIAPI, and so it’s men who have hurt
your feelings and fucked you over. If you ate pussy, you’d be fucking
women, and women would be stomping on your heart, and you’d quickly
come to hate women. And if you were a straight man, you’d be
complaining about women; and if you were a fag, you’d be complaining
about men and if you were bisexual, you’d be complaining about everyone
and everything.
So try to have some perspective and cut men some slack and hang in
there, OK? They drizzle douche, for sure. But so do you—so do we all.
This article appears in Jul 23-29, 2009.