Dear Readers: I regard
this column as a sacred tryst. Your faith in my counsel and willingness
to take me into your confidence moves and humbles me on a daily basis,
and the seriousness with which I approach my chosen profession would
normally prevent me from turning your letters over to a bunch of unruly
drunks in a bar. But word somehow got around the bar where I retired to
write this week’s column, and the assembled drunks insisted that they
be allowed to share their hard-earned wisdom with you. So I printed out
a few of your letters on the bar’s office printer—with names, email
addresses and identifying details removed—and passed them around with
pens and legal pads.
The American Heritage Dictionary defines “advice” as “an opinion
about what could or should be done,” and opinions, as Saint Paul
famously observed, are like assholes: Everyone’s got one (Esophagans
14:20). Please note that I don’t endorse all of the asshole opinions
below—particularly when murder is recommended—and rest assured that
I will be drinking/writing/drinking elsewhere from now on.
Q:My wife and I have been
married for eight months, and I love her very much. However, we don’t
have sex much—maybe three times a month. We’ve seen a therapist a few
times, and it hasn’t changed anything. I still love her, but my needs
haven’t been met and I’m frustrated. Due to my frustration, I posted an
ad on Craigslist—not to cheat but to just get some erotic interaction
via the web. I only sent a few pictures back and forth. However, my
wife found the emails. I apologized and said I never wanted to be with
anyone but her, but that I just wanted to feel like I was desired. My
wife has asked me to move out for a while, which I did. I know what I
did was horrible, but I want to make this marriage work. I love her,
and I don’t want this to end. Confused In Salt Lake
A• “Since you live in
Salt Lake, I’m going to assume that you didn’t have sex with your wife
before you got marriaged [hic], and so it turns out that you and your
wife are incompatible. Next time, try the milk before you buy the
cow.”
• “A lot of men make the mistake of initiating sex by just
being like, ‘Hey, let’s fuck.’ Try this: Rub her shoulders, offer to
make her a bath, give her a foot massage. Then eat her out, but don’t
ask for anything. Do this for two weeks. If it doesn’t work, sorry,
you’re fucked.”
• “You have four separate problems that are now, through the
magic of synergy, combined into one big one: Your wife’s not into sex;
you live in Utah; your wife made you move out and you’re using
Craigslist (what the fuck?). Time for some radical honesty: Tell her
exactly how you feel and what you want. Insist she do the same. Don’t
censor. This will either finish burning your marriage to the ground or
maybe—MAYBE—allow you to start dealing with each other like
adults.”
• “Hey, Mormon Dumbfuck: She asked you to move out. It’s
already over! HELLO?!?”
QI have a submissive side.
My first dominant girlfriend would face-sit me for an hour; after she
climaxed, she would ride me until she climaxed multiple times, and only
then would she let me climax. Eventually we were doing cunnilingus
after intercourse, but when she suggested it might be fun to add “more
sauce” to the mix—bring another man into our play, and this other
man’s ejaculate—I dumped her. A similar thing happened in my next
relationship. Do all dominant women think all male submissives are
interested in bisexual behaviour and being a cuckold?
There is a BDSM group in Washington, DC, but the cohort for
under-35s is tiny (I am under 30), and it’s nothing but fat women. I
don’t want to pay, I work out, I have a salary and I eat my lunch every
day. I don’t need to be looked after. I am totally self-reliant, but I
nevertheless want to be completely dominated by a woman. If the right
woman came along now, I would marry her and make her very happy. Should
I be more patient and let her find me, or should I find ways to put out
more openly that I am a submissive?
Where Are The Monogamous Dom Women?
A• “Where are your
social skills, douchebag?”
• “You sound like a dick. Only sex your way or you dump them?
WTF? Try meeting someone you like and slowly introduce the Dom/sub
stuff. Right now you are SO demanding with your fantasies but unwilling
to fulfill someone else’s. That’s a dick move.”
• “There is nothing less attractive than a ‘sub’ screaming,
‘Top me, Mistress—but not if you’re too fat or too poly or too old or
if you actually have fantasies of your own or if you’re going to order
me to do something I don’t want to do.’ That’s why you’re not getting
any action, dummy.”
QMy partner and I are in
our mid-20s and have been together since our teens. We have similar
interests and compatible lifestyles. We make an awesome pair.
Unfortunately, we are not sexually compatible. Over time we’ve grown
closer regarding most things, except for sex. I’ve come to realize that
I’m kinky and nonmonogamous. My partner is decidedly not kinky,
though she has said that if I slept with others she would NEVER want to know. That leaves a door slightly open.
I love her and am committed to the relationship, but I need some
kink to be happy, and my outing myself as kinky has led to a steady
deterioration in our vanilla sex life. Is it fair to put her on notice
that I’ll be kinking out as opportunities arise?
Seeking Orderly Solution
A• “She said she
would ‘never want to know.’ That is NOT an open door. That’s a
double-shielded blast door with padlocks and a sign on it that says,
‘Don’t even think about it, motherfucker.'”
• “Putting her ‘on notice’ sounds kind of assholish. Have the
big, awful, stomach-clenching talk about your future. It’s not fair to
either of you for you to have to stay monogamous and be unhappy. You
need to figure this out.”
• “Let her know that you are going to do it if the opportunity
arises, but assure her that you’re just looking to satisfy your kink.
Be sure to respect her desire not to know, but always be ready to
divulge if she changes her mind. If you want the relationship to work,
you need to be ‘allowing.'”
• “You’ll be unhappy for a few years if you leave her, but
you’ll be unhappy for the REST OF YOUR LIFE if you stay.”
• “WTF? Get rid of the shit. I’m not talking about ‘leaving’
her. She’s likely to have some of your secrets. KILL HER. Everything
you need is at a convenience store: shovel, lime, rope, large garbage
bags, sympathy card for the family.”
Thanks for the input and insight, assembled drunks. And for the
record: Murder is wrong. Dump her, SOS, don’t kill her.
Download Dan’s Savage Lovecast (his weekly podcast)
every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.
Email him at mail@savagelove.net.
This article appears in May 21-27, 2009.