Q: My boyfriend of 16 months and I have a great
relationship. He loves my blowjobs, but he will not kiss me if I have
his come in my mouth. It grosses him out. We have talked about this,
and he won’t even try. I have no problem if he kisses me after going
down on me. Is there something wrong with asking him to taste himself?
I do it all the time and love it. Missing Kisses
A: It’s funny your question—with its hint of gay
panic—should arrive today. I’ve been on vacation with the family all
week snowboarding in beautiful British Columbia and what I enjoy
most—besides the snowboarding and the half-naked, fully stoned
Australian snowboard instructors lolling around in hot tubs at the end
of the day—is watching the straight boys who refuse to sit four to a
chairlift. They want to ride up alone or ride up two at a time on a
four-seater with two empty seats between ’em. They seem to think
gayness can be contracted through thigh-to-thigh contact.
Which it can.
Now, MK, there’s kissing someone with your come on her breath and
then there’s kissing someone with your come in her mouth. It sounds
like you’re interested in the latter, which makes it sound like you’re
interested in passing some of your boyfriend’s load into his
mouth—i.e. snowballing—and not simply being rewarded with a kiss,
his come on your breath, for a blowjob well done. And that’s an
entirely different wad of spunk.
Just because you enjoy tasting yourself on his lips, doesn’t mean
your boyfriend will enjoy or should have to enjoy mouthing his own
load. First, there’s a significant difference in volume and consistency
between you kissing his glazed lips and him eating his own spunk. And
then there’s this: After a woman comes, MK, she’s still in a groove,
still capable of more orgasms, still cranked up. After ejaculating, a
man is essentially uncranked. He’s not capable of another orgasm (not
right away, anyway)—he’s been knocked out of his groove. So even if
the idea of snowballing appeals to a man as you’re blowing him, it
might not hold the same appeal the moment after he comes.
Some men are afraid of tasting their own come because they believe
that doing so, like sitting too close on a chairlift, can turn a guy
gay. And it’s not an unreasonable fear: not because it will turn a guy
gay, but because, judging from my mail, a lot of women are convinced
that any man who would taste his own come must secretly be gay. It’s
possible that your boyfriend is dying to taste himself, MK, but, like
the boys on the chairlifts, is afraid of getting a reputation if he
goes ahead with this and you blab about it to your
friends.
Q: I am at a dive bar heavy-metal show as I write
this. There are tons of guys I consider hot here, 98 percent of whom
are straight. But I got a vibe off one guy. This is such a macho
environment though, that there’s a considerable amount of danger in
asking the question, “So, you gay?”
I remember an episode of Law and Order where Jerry Orbach
tried to determine if a suspect was in AA by asking a secret question.
Something like, “Are you a friend of Bill W.?” The idea was that the
question was innocuous if you weren’t in AA.
Since you are the king of “santorum” and “pegging” and
“saddlebacking,” I thought maybe you could invent a secret question for
masculine gay men in masculine environments. Something like, “Hey, do
you like to barbecue?” So how ’bout it? Can you declare the official
secret are-you-a-masculine-gay-guy question?
Men Are Cute Hot Objects
A: The best I could come up with on my own, MACHO,
was this: “A Little Night Music—original Broadway cast
recording or original London cast?” But that line will get your ass
kicked in a lot of gay bars—as I know from bitter experience. So
let’s toss this out to my readers, the folks who came up with the
definitions for “santorum,” “pegging” and “saddlebacking.” Gang, we’re
looking for an innocuous question that (1) all fags everywhere would
know the answer to but (2) no straight guys anywhere would. My
long-suffering interns—their uniforms chafe—await your suggested
questions.
Q:I had to refrain from opening this with “Hey,
Asshole!” (oops, guess I kind of just did) after reading your advice to
Sex Best One On One, the woman who married a man who warned her that he
could not be monogamous and who then realized she couldn’t share him.
While I agree with your assessment of SBOOO’s husband—up-front,
honest—your assessment of SBOOO is obviously influenced by your need
to have a good rant at polyamory-unfriendly marriage counsellors,
family, friends and the world at large. SBOOO does not have to
apologize for who she is (not as willing to do long-term non-monogamy
as previously thought) to elitist, more-liberated-than-thou jerk-offs
(hint: you!) after giving it a good fucking try (12 times!). Pun
intended. Loving Toronto Reader
Q: I am a polyamorist. I am always upfront with my
partners about this, especially if I want to get serious with them. So
many people seem to say that they are fine with it out of some kind of
misguided assumption that they can eventually change my mind. You know,
“Polyamory isn’t real; it’s just a phase!” You know, like being
gay.
I just wanted to say thank you for your reply to SBOOO! I couldn’t
have said it better myself. That was an absolutely fantastic response.
Just like you said, counsellors (and, for that matter, family members)
always see the polyamorist as the bad guy, unreasonably refusing to
take the simple easy route of strict monogamy. It was really nice to
finally have someone stand up for us. Thank you!
While I’m sure you enjoy positive feedback, saying thank you is
cheap. A lot of times you plug various charities and causes in your
column; is there any group you’d like me to donate to as a more
concrete symbol of my appreciation?
Longtime Fan
A: Some folks think I was too hard on SBOOO, some
think I was just hard enough. Like I said in my original response, I
intentionally came down hard on SBOOO to compensate for the vast and
overwhelming majority of advice professionals who would, per LF, side
aggressively with her because a non-monogamous partner—even an honest
one like SBOOO’s mate—is always the bad guy.
For the record: I am not biased toward non-monogamy. But I do think
monogamous people should be with each other and should not marry folks
who are incapable of being monogamous.
Some folks who wrote in about my advice for SBOOO raised a good
point: I should have come down on the husband as well. If non-monogamy
was a deal-breaker for him, then he was a fool to marry SBOOO before
verifying her ability to be nonmonogamous. Agreed. So, for the record:
SBOOO’s husband? You’re an idiot, too.
Finally, LF, I’m always happy to see money go to Planned Parenthood.
Download Dan’s Savage Lovecast (his weekly
podcast)every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.
Email Dan Savage at mail@savagelove.net.
This article appears in Feb 26 – Mar 4, 2009.