“So, do you want to go classy or dirty?” These were the words that
started our buffet journey. (Actually, they were “We need a student
related food story by Monday.”) The assignment: create food porn from
the endless troughs of buffets and make the cheap and plain into
something fancy—high dining for the sub-$20 crowd.
You know the drill: hit a buffet, slop all kinds of random shit on a
plate and repeat until waves of nausea and self-loathing become too
much. Go home, take nap, wake up and question why you did that to self.
But there is another way.
Slow down there, cowboy: First, there isn’t a timer sitting
at your table counting down to your ejection from the restaurant. Don’t
burn out your digestive system in the first 15 minutes with those five
pounds of assorted meat you precariously balanced on your plate. Just
chill. Enjoy the endless supply of non-alcoholic drinks, engage in some
conversation with your buffet buddies (tip: Never go alone). Take the
concept of slow food literally here.
Plan your attack: The next step to fancying up your
experience is knowing what you have to work with. Take a wander around,
look at your options for creating appetizers and mains, see what your
garnish and sauce options are. Are there soups? Check out what little
touches you can add to personalize it. Remember, there typically isn’t
a formal line system. Some people may adhere to that idea, but you are
not one of them.
Depending on ambition, you have two options. You can dress your
single plate while in line, starting with the base and building, going
back and forth as needed, using utensils for on-the-fly arrangements.
Alternately, you can double-stack several plates and assemble your
masterpiece at the table. The latter option may require some soup bowls
at the table, filled with sauces or garnishes for decorating. Some
buffets may have a condiment station you will need to visit, but given
your goal of maximum eating, this is probably a good thing—it can’t
hurt to burn off a few extra calories while at the buffet.
Creative juices must flow: You gotta exercise those mind
grapes as well. Check out sites like fancyfastfood.com, foodporn.com or tastespotting.com for inspiration. Ooh
and ah over their immaculate presentations and carry forth the notion
that yes, you too can achieve as much.
Ignore the sections in the buffet—you are now thinking outside the
sneeze guards. The salad section doesn’t have to be solely for
salads—incorporate! Bacon bits on roasted potatoes, parmesan
sprinkled on the soup with some croutons. Fill that wonton with rice,
top it with some chili sauce and a couple shrimp from a skewer. Spoon
that gravy in little drips around the edges of the plate—accessorize,
goddamnit! Splash some pepper around, crush up that pack of soup
crackers into a powder, sprinkle that shit!
Stare down the patrons who are watching your display—they can’t
handle this level of customization, this food mashuppery. De-batter
those onion rings and deep-fried mushrooms, layer them with your beef
balanced on that dollop of mashed potatoes. The ice cream toppings can
be used with every dessert. Criss-cross the butterscotch over the
cheesecake you delicately placed in a light pool of strawberry sauce,
crumble some diabetic cookies on there. Scrape the chocolate fudge out
of one tray and give your melon arrangement the sugary boost it needs,
crush the flake pastry over it, gussy it up.
The buffet world is yours now. Go forth and create. Never be
satisfied with simplicity.
This article appears in Sep 3-9, 2009.
Hey, here’s an awesome tip for the students battle of the buffet. As a student, I am always trying to get the best bang for my buck. Here’s how I do it at buffets. Since I’m not really a big eater, I really try to make the most of these meals.
Sit in a nice, sort of private table, maybe not so close to the servers station. Check for overhead cameras. Bring a small (you don’t want to be too greedy) ziplock baggie or container in your bag/purse. Fill your boots. Now you have breakfast/lunch for tomorrow too. As long as no one sees you doing this, you are a ok – but you’ve got to be pretty stealthy!