With a few modifications to the original 1982 Arnold Schwarzenegger epic—Conan (Jason Momoa) is now blood-thirsty from his birth on the battlefield—Marcus Nispel’s reincarnation welcomes gore, actualizing all horrific means of butchery. Conan’s quest for revenge begins as a child when megalomaniac Khalar Zym (Stephen Lang), seeking a missing bit of a magical mask, slaughters a village of Cimmerians, including Conan’s dad (Ron Perlman). On his odyssey, Conan enacts such noble exploits as freeing a slave colony of young, topless women. The expansive team of writers crafted dialogue that goes beyond the realm of terrible, entering the hysterical: from Conan’s own motto—“I live; I love; I slay”—to his lady friend’s—pure-blood monk, Tamara (Rachel Nichols)—idiotic observations, “Are we all just doomed to chaos and ruin?” In Conan’s world, yes.
This article appears in Aug 18-24, 2011.