So my GF sees this thing on the internet called “Autofellatio”. I said “auto – what?” She says ” Auto fellatio… I would like to see you give it a try.” and continues to explain the method and mechanics of it me. So… being the good sport I am… I curl myself up into a ball and try to suck my dick. I almost get the tip of my tongue to the head (with her cheering me on gleefully) and I hear a “crack” and my back gives out. I end up in the ER and the Dr. says I slipped a disc. He asks me “how did you do this?” I say “Uh… I slipped on the ice”. —In Pain
This article appears in Jan 23-29, 2014.
Toss a coin. Heads you’re a moron; tails, she is.
In future leave the little hedgehog act to trained professionals like Ron Jeremy *oink oink*
STOP ATTEMPTING AUTO FELLATIO!
“For God’s sake Ivan, stop attempting auto fellatio! Stop it right now!
A pleasure as always.
Cheerio!
New Avatar Alert: Japanese Occupation Money
Can’t wait until the girlfriend suggests ‘autoanal’.
L S F H I C B ! ! ! !
(laughing so Fucking hard I can’t breath)
I was not familiar with this particularly disgusting sexual practise until now, but I would suggest that you try it again .. practise makes perfect, yes?
Auto fellatio….That’s when your partner automatically reads your mind and does that for you. They don’t want you to suffer the slipped disc syndrome.
Ummm…What does a hooker charge for a quick blow job in your car guy’s?
OP has senses of humour and shame.
So, it wouldn’t be incorrect to call you a cocksucker?
Congratulations! You have just qualifed for an appearance on TLC’s “Sex Sent Me To the ER.”
Watch for the spin-off. Coming soon: “Sex On An Airplane Sent Me To the Courthouse.”
Congratulations! OP, you have just qualified for an appearance on TLC’s “Sex Sent Me To the ER.”
Watch for the spin-off. Comming soon: “Sex On An Airplane Sent Me To the Courthouse.”
Excuse the plural posts. Sunday mornings and keyboards are beyond me sometimes. Mod, please feel free to delete one for me. Take your pick. Thanks in advance. Going back to bed.
so how many guys who hurt their backs over the weekend lifting cement or skidooing are going to hide it come monday at the office.
Another shining example of why that’s the girlfriend’s job. Introduce her to auto-cunnilingus.
“Ummm…What does a hooker charge for a quick blow job in your car guy’s?”
Parasite pay not cutting it anymore, eh?
*I’m sorry guys, I HAD to*
Fools. Dis is a fake bitch written by the ass-to-mouth guy.
I was not familiar with this particularly disgusting sexual practise until now…” Buddha! Where do I start?
Was it the term or the act with which you were unfamiliar? How is this possible in today’s age where my 87 year old father knows what “twerking” (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Twerking) means…?!
Disgusting? When does pleasuring yourself sexually become disgusting (http://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/89114-w…
I would be willing to bet – aside from yourself – that 98% of guys who could do it, would do it…. anyone?
Meaty, didn’t you know that Buddha only carries around a dainty 24k gold bullet vibrator that she calls ‘Renoir’?
Hey, if guys could blow themselves, the world’s population would plummet like a coked-up Rob Ford jumping off Toronto’s CN Dildo.
I always believed most guys can suck their own dick …. except for fat guys ….. maybe I was wrong?
i would think you would need a combination of happy events. no belly fat at all & a longer than average penis
guys are always making jokes about dogs licking themselves, somewhat wistfully.
I would think you’d have to work up to it, OB. Like, you’d have to stretch your spine out a bit at a time over weeks or months to have it agile enough to reach your dick with your mouth. Kind of like how you have to work up your resistance while weight training or working up how long you can run while doing cardio training.
That and I think it would depend on where you carry your height. If you carry it in your legs and have a shorter torso, than it would likely be easier than someone who is long waisted and carries all their height in their torso.
And, of course, penis length, as mentioned by Molly.
hmmm kitty. i would think that a longer torso length would make it easier to get enough curve to reach ‘down there’. a very short torso would have a reduced ‘arc’ and therefore a reduced reach. whatcha think?
Sucking my own dick is a lot like doing my own dishes…
I gots me a woman to do that!!!
I think, Molly, those with a long waist would have more space to fill between their mouthes and their dick.
I think you’d have to consider pelvic thrust, too.
http://assets.shitbrix.com/hashed_silo_con…
It’s a catch 22 guys, you’d have to have a hard cock to have any hope of getting your mouth around that guy and you’d have to have your mouth around that guy to get it hard.
It might always also be easier to put your legs straight up in the air and gently let them angle back towards you easing the phallus towards your head. Wonder how many muscles I’d pull trying to do that?
Just wank it a bit first, Crispy.
It seems to me there is a Ron Jeremy video out there from the 80s that shows you how to do this without injury!
Google: autofellatio tumblr and choose the first page – NSFW!
Well, Meaty, you sure got to the ‘meat’ of the matter there. See, it isn’t that frigging hard to do …. but, the fat boys are always going to do without.
“I would think you’d have to work up to it, OB. Like, you’d have to stretch your spine out a bit at a time over weeks or months to have it agile enough to reach your dick with your mouth…”
What a skank.
I wonder if we could convince the local talibumfucks to blow “buddha” out of her condo?
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/f…
Haha best thing I have read all day!
Four dislikes on my last comment…! Must be jealous women…
Meaty – it’s all fun and games until someone loses an eye.
did somebody say ‘revenge anal’?
And meaty do you sneeze glitter?