I guess it’s my fault. For thinking I can talk to you. Time and time again I’ve had to deal with you guys being seriously mean to me over nothing and still I come back for more because deep down.. I WANT to have a good relationship with you both. And every time my attempt falls flat on its face. You’ve always done this. And I realize now you’re always going to do this. I have never felt safe talking to you. It makes the most mundane or even HAPPY conversations a trying (and when i was too little and dumb to defend myself, terrifying) ordeal. For most of my life, I figured it was my fault. Especially since i was the only kid you treated this way. You engineered it so that not only do both of you show me constant disrespect, but so do my siblings. As I got older, you were fond of telling me that “my so-called friends” didn’t really care about me. You literally cut me off from anybody who could help me. I wish I had had a bit more insight as a kid.. I would have asked somebody.. anybody.. for help.
But after years of working through how I’ve been feeling, i realize it’s NOT my fault. I went through years of hearing shit about the whys of things like “negative parent complex” before I realized “fuck the WHY. The real Why is Why am I the one who has to get help for YOUR problem? I don’t care WHY you do this. You’re assholes. That’s enough for me to move on.”
When I started getting into relationships and friendships with people like you, I realized it was time for some sort of metamorphosis.
I am now armed with a powerful knowledge. Your reactions are YOUR drama. YOUR PROBLEM. I have no control over that. I only have control over this: You are not allowed to make your insanity my issue ever again.
I have come a long way. I guess i stupidly expected you did too. But you’re the same. I guess you could say we’ve truly grown apart.
And that’s too bad. See.. I want something from you guys that I simply can’t have. Maybe in time I can figure out how to have something just as good. But it will take lots of compromise on my part because that’s how it’s always been. It’s always been ME readjusting MY definitions of what is acceptable so I can maintain a relationship with YOU. It’s not enough that you’re angry and mean. Over the years, I have become sadly aware that for some reason, you enjoy it. And because I don’t understand that, I have stopped feeling sorry for myself. I’m one of the lucky ones who despite what i can now admit was an abusive childhood, takes life in gentle strides and good humor.
No.. it’s YOU I feel sorry for. You didn’t escape. But I think I did.
But I will tell you this RIGHT now. I’ll let it slide with me because despite it all.. you’re my parents and I love you. But someday there will be grandkids. And if you EVER show them the same dismissive disrespect that you have shown me throughout my life, I’ll come down on you both like the right hand of the almighty. —Meg Griffin
This article appears in Feb 14-20, 2013.
You tell it like it is ‘Meg’!
‘No one can make you feel inferior without your consent’ – Eleanor Roosevelt
Cut ’em both off, OP, for your own sake.
why dont you just keep things light and on a smaller scale. i dont agree with cutting them both off. you need to learn new ways of dealing with your parents and people in general, you can only control your actions op, as for the suggestion of cutting em both off yes you could do that but where do u draw the line. if you keep cutting people out of your life all you will have left is a life with a bunch of holes in it. be the bigger person and maybe get some help setting boundaries and dealing with difficult people in your life. toxic relationships can be very damaging for sure, you gotta learn new ways of dealing. good luck.
you draw the line at cutting out people who are manipulative and abusive and don’t respect boundaries, wogdog. after a lot of sacrificing and taking the high road, I’ve learned that there is no ‘dealing’ with that kind of insanity. there’s only more pain, more suffering, more confusion, and frustration, and wounds that never heal. sometimes we need to cut ourselves off from toxic parents in order to have healthy relationships with ourselves and others and I think it’s unfair to try and guilt the OB to do otherwise by telling her she should be the bigger person.
Did ya have food on your plate, clothes on your back and access to education? Well, you’re in the top 5% then. Now quit whining, life isn’t fair and is sometimes hard. Nothing is free and anything worth having can only be obtained through hard work or winning the lottery. Better get use to it now.
Allowing toxic people, even parents, to impact your life negatively is a choice once you’re a grown-up. I had to make that choice many years ago and I’m glad I did, despite Fog Slug’s bleatings – some people don’t do boundaries or display reasonable behavior and just because they’re related to you is no excuse for keeping ties.
op you say ‘you are still my parents and i love you.’ that is why i advised getting help in communicating with your parents. when love is in the picture you will always be able to deal effectively. if you hated them then fine cut em out but i don’t read that in your post. parenting doesn’t come with instructions at least it didn’t in my day. you are an adult in spite of your upbringing. very few of us came from perfect parenting, some worse than others. but you made it through and life is short. don’t allow a less than perfect childhood turn you bitter. your life and your relationship with you folks will be EXACTLY what YOU make it.
wog, no! Loving someone, including your parents, doesn’t mean you should continue to allow yourself to stay in an abusive relationship.
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don’t allow a less than perfect childhood turn you bitter.
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Voice of experience.
P
So you have parents who are mentally and physically abusive, drunks and/or addicts who would steal anything of yours that isn’t nailed down – yep, and ol’ Frig Wig would open her lovin’ Christian arm flaps to them all.
Not gonna happen.
piss paul i am sorry to hear that. try to move past your bad childhood experience.
‘But I will tell you this RIGHT now. I’ll let it slide with me because despite it all.. you’re my parents and I love you’. argue all you want … op you have already answered your own question.
I agree with you wholeheartedly OP. I was particularly dismayed at the parents allowing your siblings to continue the disrespect. Why did they single you out? For whatever reason they did what they did, they now have to prove themselves to you and any future grandkids.
Good on you for opening your eyes and seeing things for what they are and gaining self-rerspect.
op loves them for the same reason all people who are abused love their abusers. Not only because abusers tend to be someone in a position of trusted authority over the abused person but.. also because most of them are also manipulative as hell. Mean, then they turn around and act all sweet.. abusers even classically FORGIVE the abused for “upsetting them” and the abused person gets a weird, sort of stockholm-syndrome sense of neurotic trust for their abuser AND PEOPLE LIKE THEM. While at the same time developing an unhealthy sense of guilt and responsibility.
People who are abused or treated badly by those they love ache for even a second of positive reinforcement from these people. So when the abuser turns around and gives them that (once they get all the meanness out of their system) the abused person trusts all over again, even though they know in their heart that they’re stuck in a miserable cycle.
Abused people also have trouble establishing boundaries because they’ve never been allowed to. OP says one thing that is very insightful: ” It’s always been ME readjusting MY definitions of what is acceptable so I can maintain a relationship with YOU”
No fuck that shit. NEVER readjust your boundaries unless YOU feel you were wrong. remember your boundaries. WRITE THE DAMN THINGS DOWN AND PUT THEM ON YOUR FRIDGE if you have to. And the second someone crosses them, leave that person alone, avoid them.
You gotta treat abusers like kids. Reward good behaviour and completely ignore bad behaviour. (And by ignore i mean ignore the person. Walk away from them. Refuse to converse further with them until their behaviour changes. Do not get in fights with them. They THRIVE on this shit.) Do not take shit from these people. They’re too flawed to change without intervention the likes of which most people are not qualified to give.
just fucking, wow.
hey woggie, how you doing out there.
Forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself.Don’t allow your abusers to take up permanent residence in your head.Believe me, forgiving your abusers is hard but necessary for your sanity.
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paul i am sorry to hear that. try to move past your bad childhood experience.
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Trollfail, #1Woggie.
Though the abuse you have endured goes a long way to explain your behaviour and inability to make friends. Even though Wogdog is an online persona, the problems of the person behind the persona are pretty obvious. Sad, really. I hope you have the number of somwonw for hwlp.
P
And OB- screw forgiving someone who abused you, if you were abused. Just move on and get on with your life. They obviously don’t give a toss for you. Return the favour.
You feel powerless. Regain your power and get on with your life.
Or spend your life obsessing about them, never moving past the “event”.
Seriously- you’re keeping yourself in the trauma by not moving on.
Move. On.
P
hi gary. good to see you are feeling better.
eats_crayons – you nailed it.
I know it sounds harsh but you really should cut them both out of your life. If you can’t do it for your sake then do it for your future children’s sake. People like that are just toxic. Actually, there is a book I read many years ago when I was going through a hard time with my bio mom (‘Toxic Parents’). It helped me to realize that some people are just toxic and that toxicity permeates to all levels of their life – career, family, friendships, etc. Sometimes the best thing to do in order to heal and live a good life is to cut out the toxins and the people producing them. I cut my bio mom out of my life five years ago after I realized how her selfishness, immaturity, emotional abuse would never get better but only grow worse over time. There was no way I was going to subject my children to even a tenth of the abuse and pain that I suffered as a child. So, giving your parents the boot might not be pleasant but sometimes it is necessary. I’ve never been happier!!
eats_crayons is so right!! I was locked into a vicious cycle with my mother for years. Every time I wanted to pick myself up and cut her out of my life to preserve my sanity, I had people in my family telling me how insensitive I was being and how I should cut her a break because she was an abused child and doesn’t know any better….
Break the cycle, ‘Meg’. Good luck to you.
I think you have “negative child complex”.
I heard that often about my mother”She was abused blah,blah…”Yea well,she knew how to read a “How not to Abuse your Children” manual.So that excuse didn’t cut it with me.
Sometimes it’s easier to admit to yourself your mother was just plain nasty then, cut her out of your life.
big surprise, sux is back…
I feel your pain, OB. It can be ridiculously hard to manage a relationship with a parent who’s toxic in their dealings with you. While I’ll gladly converse very surface-y things with my remaining parent, asking them for help with _anything_ is out of the question for me even if I should need it. If not asking them meant my family and I went homeless, I’d look for a shelter for that night first.
The solution for me was very simple: find your emotional and practical supports elsewhere, where you won’t have to subject yourself to your parents’ (or your siblings’) abuse. Living as well as you can without needing them for anything is both the best revenge and the sweetest freedom you can get. There are total strangers who will treat you with more dignity and respect than toxic families are capable of. Trade up and watch yourself grow.
I spent many years and a lot of brain cells trying to forget what my parents did to me.
Meg set your boundaries and stick to them.
I agree.. set your personal boundaries, stick to those as much as makes you happy. I have HAD to cut ties with family members because they are not good people.. it happens sadly. You can only live with your own vales in mind and you can’t live your life trying to make someones experience better than your own experience in life. And cutting ties with someone doesn’t have to last forever, sometimes its just what someone needs to realize the way they really treat you and they have a choice to change or stay the same. Also in my experience, I didn’t start to heal until I stepped back, made the cut and allowed my self to be who I really am. Someday I hope to reach out to that person or persons in my family but I have had time to realize my worth without those people and the worth will never waver again.. even if I reach out and they are still bad people.