So I know about 11 or 12 of my peers (some co-workers, some old classmates, some cousins) are engaged or already married. In fact, it seems that every week, I receive news on fb that ‘so-and-so is now engaged’. All of them are in their early to mid-20s, and one is only 19. I mentioned this at a small family gathering. “I can’t get over how many people I know, and used to know, that are my age and getting married.” I said. Then everyone asks me “so when are YOU getting married? Don’t you think it’s about that time?” I thought they were joking at first, but they were all serious. My mom tells me I’m getting too old to just go on dates or live the single life and that I should find someone to settle down with.
I’m only 27, for fuck’s sake! Marriage is not something I’m interested in at the moment, and I believe that it’s overrated. Then people suggest I should have a baby too. (Lots of these peers have kids too). No! I want to travel and focus on my career and go on casual dates! How the fuck am I gonna do that if I have a baby? When I want to settle down with someone, I will, but that probably won’t happen until I’m in my 30s. Is there something wrong with that? Fuck no! Am I really the only woman out there who doesn’t give two shits about being married with kids? —I enjoy being single!
This article appears in May 27 – Jun 2, 2010.
Don’t listen to them. They bought into the bullshit about what life should be. They caved in to the wishes of others. Or maybe they just wanted to be traditional, nothing wrong with that. I wish people would respect the lifestyles of others without pushing what they chose to do.
I have two kids, and i never regretted them, but you have the opportunity to wait. Take it.
In my 20’s, i was all about getting married and settling down. Chalk it up to small-town mentality. Now, as i watch all the separations, expensive divorces, and remarriages among my peer group, i realize that most marriages fail because people marry too young.
My wife and I were married after a protracted engagement (almost 3 years to be precise). We got pressure from all over the place, family, friends, co-workers. Now that we’re married, it’s “when are you going to have kids?!”. It’s hard to tell people that you’re waiting for your career to stabilize, or that you simply don’t want to be married and/or have kids. It’s an incredible societal pressure to be married and have 2.5 kids.
In the end, it’s your decision. No one should pressure you into it. Good on you for making your opinion known about it.
Parents will be the first to say they don’t regret having children, but next time you are at the mall, grocery store, movies, etc just take notice of how unhappy the man looks. No wonder so many of them ‘turn’ gay.
I have never had any desire to get married and have kids, people have been telling me all my life that I’ll change my mind, even my doctor when I asked about getting my tubes tied! Well I’m in my mid 30’s now and my mind hasn’t changed, in fact, when I see my friends that have gone down the marriage/kids road I tend to feel a little sorry for them. They seem miserable, tired, poor and look about 10 years older than their age. I love my boyfriend, I love my life, I wouldn’t change a thing (other than maybe pumping up my savings account). Do what you want, not what the masses think you should. Enjoy life.
bite the ass of life baby, you only get one ride per ticket
Marriage is hard fucking work for both parties, paying a mortgage, supporting a family – kids are even harder, you have to be willing to make sacrifices and put your own agenda on hold for, say, 20 years. I didn’t begin my family until I was in my 30s and I don’t regret it for a moment. If I had done that in my 20s and had not travelled or experienced the world as a single person, I would have been one bitter bitch by now, having sacrified the best part of my youth to corralling ankle biters.
Marriage is a bill of goods sold to us by society to breed taxpayers. Don’t get sucked into its ugly vortex unless you’re willing. I applaud your stand – tell your friends and relatives to stand on their heads and fart at the moon.
Some people are just so happy to be married young, and all the power to them! Especially if in 20 yrs they’re feeling the same way…
I married early – to a man I met when I was 19. He was much older and with a son it made sense for him, and not for me. Which is why I’m one of those young divorced people. Finally thinking for myself and ignoring society’s pressures.
It’s definitely the right route, especially since you KNOW you don’t want it. I didn’t have that certainty. Though I do now… I may marry again, and someday probably have kids, but being 27 too – I’m not in a hurry. My ovaries are good for at least another decade ;~)
Tell those people to get fucked. I’m currently watching one fall apart, have watched another two years ago, and watched firsthand as mine did. All were a case of ‘too young’. At least I didn’t cave and have kids at some point, that would have really sucked. Your 20s are a good time, don’t squander them.
I’m 36 and have no regrets whatsoever about not being married or having children. If and when the time is right, it’ll happen; but if it doesn’t happen, I’m OK with that because I like my life and lifestyle so much, and I don’t depend on other people to make me happy. Frankly, there are many people who are married and/or are parents who really shouldn’t be!
There is nothing wrong with that OP, and nothing wrong with seeing all the world has to offer and enjoying the single life! My kid is nine now, and although the “marriage” didn’t work out I feel lucky to sort of have the best of both worlds. A super cool son who I love more than I could probably love anyone else – and the freedom to date and play as I please (something I never had through my entire 20s, hedging my bets that my “relationship” was going to work out).
But I digress – I say when you find _that one_ you will know it, and until then don’t listen to anyone else but yourself – no one knows what will make you happier at any stage of life better than you! 🙂
I’m not touching this one…
for fear of saying something I would wish/need removed.
I absolutely agree marriage and children should be your choice – no one else’s.
However, I have to disagree with everyone on here who says marriage is so tough, so much work, etc. I am happily married, and love being married. Have for quite some time! My husband feels the same way.
True, it’s not for everyone, but it’s also not as bad as some posters would have you believe…
Good for you, HGL, but I do believe you are more an exception than a rule. Check out Canadian divorce stats if you don’t believe me.
And it is fucking hard work to be a wife and mom, working full-time, not out of greed but goddamn necessity, honey child. There aren’t enough hours in the day and this country isn’t very kind to the lower middle class and poor with mini bipeds.
Don’t listen to your family. All of your friends, co-workers, etc, are all going to end up divorced just like everybody else.
Very few couples actually make it. I’m not even sure I believe in marriage anymore.
It’s your life OP, live it on your terms.
Marriage is an institution – but who in the hell wants to be in an institution?!
Jesus, I’m 28 and my family keeps telling me the opposite (my mom especially).
Take your time, OP. It’s your life. Just go to your “happy place” when they start up with their “I know what’s best for YOUR life” bullshit.
The worst is your younger sibling getting hitched before you. Apparently it looks bad.
Good on you.
I got married by 21.
Was divorced by 41 & am happier now than I have ever been.
Although, my ex-wife wanted kids immediately to ‘get that out of the way’. I’m really glad we did that. So when we did split the kid’s were teens/ late teens & now I’ve got my life back the kid’s are doin ghteir own thing i got grand babies.
So I don’t regret it… but it’s nice to be 50 & have all that shit behind me ~8)
(eys wide open now !)
I always thought marriage and kids was something you do when you’re like 35. I’m glad I haven’t knocked anyone up yet because I want to have FUN, not be married with children in my 20s. I pity those fools.
you don’t need to buy the cow to get the milk, works the same for both sexes. fuck, some people are stupid.
Go OP! Ignore social constructs and do what makes you happy!
don’t have more than one spawn if you must procreate (sorry monkey)…she’s gotta ticket to ride and she don’t care
Growing up, I had zero interest in marriage and/or kids. I spent the first 30+ years of my life preparing for the meaningful career that was going to take me places. During my 20s, I reveled in my independence and took full advantage of my freedom to play the field and to travel. When all my brilliant plans fell apart, I was fortunate to be in a relationship with an amazing person who helped me through that difficult time. I later proposed and we had our first kid last year (in my late 30s).
There is no point in rushing into a serious relationship if that’s not what you want right now. I’m glad that I had the opportunity to live alone and to enjoy being single. It’s helped me to better appreciate the wonderful partner I now have.
While part of me wishes that the urge to have kids had come to me earlier, (when I was younger and had more energy and more time to consider having more kids), I know that I am a better parent for having a child when I did. I will never wonder “what if?” because I took the time I needed to pursue the opportunities that came my way.
You may never be motivated to pursue marriage or kids. However, I can testify that, with a compatible partner, marriage can be fun and fulfilling. Raising a kid is bloody hard work. It’s also the source of the most heart-expanding love and joy that I’ve ever experienced. But you really have to want it to make it work.
Put the pressure aside and do what feels right to you.
I agree OP, I say never get married or have kids! Marriage is bullshit and there’s already too many little shit kids in the world anyway. Don’t get me wrong, I do tend to like kids, but I’d rather just be an uncle rather than a dad. Marriage would be the nail in my coffin. I don’t even want to be in a committed relationship with anyone – too many babes I want to still at least have the opportunity with!
I don’t understand eagerness to have children. I’m kind of scared to have children; it’s such a huge responsibility! It’s your job to make sure that kid doesn’t grow up to be fucked in the head. Espicially today, where parents are equals to their children. When I was a kid (A younger kid) my parents told me to do something, they didn’t ask. I respect them for that, but I still don’t listen to them as much as I should.
Having kids too young is stupid, a boy and a girl can’t raise a child it takes a woman and a man.
oooh…
“…it takes a woman and a man. “
That comment sunk your ship…
I think you meant to put
Not-not-stupid
What’s wrong with saying you should be an adult before you have children….?
I respectfully disagree with those who have a “don’t bother – all marriages end up in divorce anyway” attitude.
Divorce rates in Canada have been steadily declining since 1987 – the year they were at the all-time highest. At that time, the rate was 50.6%. So HALF of all marriages failed, not MOST. Today, divorce rates sit around 37% – or roughly 1/3. Again, definitely not MOST.
I’ve been married for almost eight years. We both work full-time. We have a small child, a household to run, etc. No, not every day is rainbows and roses, but our marriage certainly isn’t “hard” or “work”. When I look around, most of my friends are happily married. My parents have been married for 46 years. My aunt and uncle just celebrated their 40th. My brother and his wife are going on 11 or 12 years (can’t remember). Of course I do know people whose marriages have failed, but they are definitely in the minority.
Again, I realize marriage isn’t for everyone. Nor is having children. But both can be incredibly wonderful. I find it a little bit sad that the hipster-types on here feel the need to ALWAYS poo-poo marriage/having a family/working a 9-5, or anything else deemed too “conformist”.
Not-stupid: I beleive the stupidity in your comment that q was pointing out was the assertion that it takes two people of opposite sex to raise a child.
I don’t think you wanna go there. The single moms and the homos (myself included) could whoop your ass.
HAppy Go Lucky…There’s a good reason for the decline in divorces that you failed to mention…MAny People are not bothering to get married !
You kinda need to give out all the facts & that helps put your satistics into perspective.
I for one, have once again started seeing just 1 woman. Most of my friends are no longer married or in the case of a couple who have never married. Co-habitating with someone who you get along with & have many similar interests is nice, but I no longer see it as a reason to marry.
Jenn’s got a point.
I was actually going to say something about sebestians “men turning gay to avoid having children and families” comment, but I refrained.
I have to agree with HGL; not every marriage is a bad one.
Marriage wouldn’t permeate just about every society on the planet if it was as pointless endeavor as everyone makes it here. People just like to rag on marriage as an “old-fashioned” ideal nowadays simply because certain groups in our society have made it seem like it’s a control mechanism, or that it’s an extension of the patriarchal system (a leftover of the radical women’s movement in the 80’s).
That’s not to say that you should blindly go into marriage just because your family forces you to. In the end, marriage is about the two people that are to be married, nobody else.
Actually More, you have to remember too, back in the early years of divorce, you would have been shunned by the community for getting a divorce. Back in the 80’s all of a sudden it’s more socially acceptable to divorce. All of a sudden you have all these people in unhappy marriages finally cutting each other loose and not having to worry about it.
Not to say marriage is bad or anything, I just think you need to get married because you love the person and all that jazz, and not because everyone else is getting married and it’s what people should do.
FA – me too. Not worth it.
More— actually, as the birth rate has declined, I’d say that your assertion that people aren’t bothering to marry is just tied to people marrying later, and a general decline in population.
Marriage has a very important societal function, as well as a legal and financial one as well. I’m sorry you had such a bad experience with yours, but that doesn’t mean that everyone else does.
jennier, that was what I was alluding to, yes.
and that was the expected retort.
“This decline has been particularly evident over the past 25 years. The numbers seem to be
in line with the argument that marriage has been weakening as a social institution.
However, a closer look at the data suggests that the decline in the marriage rate becomes considerably less dramatic when the marriage
rates are examined throughout the entire period under consideration. Data appear to support the notion that the rise in marriages in the 1940s and early 1950s represents an unusual historical period (the period of World War II and post-war prosperity).”
Nothing makes me want to puke more than “getting married and having kids”. I don’t see why people NEED to be married to have kids. And I don’t see why being married means you HAVE to have kids. I would like to get marreid in the future possibly but I certainly don’t want kids! I would actually get into arguments with people (when we were like 17-18) about how I was going to change my mind about kids…I haven’t wanted a life-sucking, waste of money, get-in-the-way child for my whole life, and I still don’t. I just can imagine there will ever be a time in my life when I’ll be like “You know what, I just want to take a bunch of time off the career that I love, not travel and feel like shit all the time for about 5 years or so.” I just want like 10 cats :D. I was once at a DR’s office and I overheard people talking and it went like:
“What are you going to do tonight?”
“Brad and I wanted to go out to dinner and a movie but I don’t know if we can get a sitter on short notice”
SOUNDS GREAT!! Have fun with that BS.
“Not-stupid: I beleive the stupidity in your comment that q was pointing out was the assertion that it takes two people of opposite sex to raise a child.
I don’t think you wanna go there. The single moms and the homos (myself included) could whoop your ass.”
I didn’t mean to say that only a man and a woman can raise a child, I meant that it takes an adult. How about it takes a man OR a woman?
and I’d like to see you try and whoop my ass, I really would.
Melectric –
Some people – myself included – like the tradition of marriage. Having said that, I would never shove it down someone else’s throat. However, I fail to see why the idea of two people happily spending their lives together, raising a family would make you “want to puke”.
ooo, so defensive….
at least you cleaned up your comment.
I think we have more of a chance of seeing the queen hire a tranny hooker than you two scrapping any time soon… so keep up with the ‘big talk’ all you like but I know I’ll be laughing at it.
But that’s the best thing about being an internet tough guy. It’s the thrill…THE SEXUAL THRILL!.
red rover, red rover i call the colonel over…rawk
I got no dog in this fight Painey (Just an expression, not an endorsement) Had my youthful stupids, been with the same woman for 22 yrs; married for 17 of ’em. We can still make each other laugh hysterically. May not be mature but for us it works. >: ) Rawk rawk.
I’m the internet tough guy? Buddy said he and single woman would whoop my ass for a misunderstanding! I could’ve picked my words better sure, but why should I take that?
I agree with Gene Simmons. Marriage is like an asylum. They’re both institutions you have to be commited to. 🙂
I don’t really believe in the idea of marriage and never have. Being “married” is just an expensive little piece of paper (which will cost you even more come divorce time) telling you (and the whole world) how you’re legally tied to another individual. Marriage no longer means what it did to previous generations. I may settle down with one woman for the rest of my life but I will NEVER get married. Hell, the rules on common-law couples now are damned near the same as for married couples, so it’s not like there’s much for tax benefits there anymore either.
As for kids… HELL NO! I don’t even want the responsibility of being a pet owner anymore. I like to be able to go wherever I want whenever I want and have no desire to be tied down with children. As someone stated previously, there are more than enough snot-nosed, ankle-biting, self-entitled little shits running around as it. My genes are not so great that they need to be added to the gene pool.
More: 1) You are WAY older than I originally thought. >=)
2) I am not at all surprised that you are a fan of Foamy the Squirrel. Your AV is awesome!
good stuff colonel…i gots me a bear had em for 30 plus years. he makes me larf and smells good
Dr. Fever: marriage has, historically, been just that: a control mechanism. Check out “I Don’t: A Contrarian History of Marriage” by Susan Squire. She recounts thousands of years of western tradition that treats women (and children) as a commodity in marriage. It’s only been very, very recently that feminists have been in the position to point out the raw deal that marriage has represented for women. In Canada, we are incredibly fortunate at this point in history that we can choose whether or not to marry and how to organize our relationships. Another book to try: “Open: Love, Sex, and Life in an Open Marriage”, by Jenny Block.
“I find it a little bit sad that the hipster-types on here feel the need to ALWAYS poo-poo marriage/having a family/working a 9-5, or anything else deemed too “conformist”.”
Sooooooooooooo true!
we are not hipsters however we are very odd
breedingdissent,
I think I can honestly say I would rather let a rabbid gopher bite me…. let it really sink in and then go catch and eat a wild pigeon raw, bones and all, before being inoculated….
than read either of those books.
Jennie: And we find it a lot sad that you feel the need to lump us all into one category simply because we have similarly strong opions that are opposed to your own.
…”I’ve been married for almost eight years. We both work full-time. We have a small child, a household to run, etc. No, not every day is rainbows and roses, but our marriage certainly isn’t “hard” or “work”.”
Well, Happy Go Lucky, I’ve been married 30 years to the love of my life and I stand by the hard work part. It’s not all love on gossimer wings or maybe it is in the first ten years. Once you survive a dozen major crisis or so (like your formerly perfect kid telling you to fuck off and get a life or your mate pissing off with a little hottie and leaving you high and dry – oh, you just wait until you hit middle-age, lady!) then you can talk to me about marriage.
Actually, NW, you rarely see posters on here trash-talking people who choose not partner up. You don’t often see threads slagging the child-less.
You do, however, see a lot of posts where people are incredibly dismissive of those of us who are perceived to have conformed – i.e. marry, have kids, etc.
Gee. I didn’t realize you had to be married for 30 years to shed some light on this topics. Thanks for clearing that up.
Since your marriage has gone to hell at times all marriages must. I see.
As I said before, it’s not like every single day is blissfully perfect. We have our rough days. But by and large, things are wonderful. They have been for the 16 years we’ve been together. Therefore, I maintain that the relationship is not “work”.
Life is wonderful.
I don’t need to be married for that.
I was married for a long time, we parted, better than staying together & be miserable IMO.
But I’m with the ‘been there, done that’ crowd, & I see no reason to do it again. As someone here already posted, parting is too damn expensive. Although when I look about me right now I have to agree with that tasteless saying about ” divorces being really expensive, but worth it at twice the price” !
Yes indeed, I agree with that .
Breedingdissent— just because it has been historical control mechanism, that doesn’t mean that this is the case now, especially between intelligent, consenting adults. In fact, society in general eschews situations now where marriage is used as a control mechanism. Just look at any polygamist society where young girls are forced into marriages.
Secondly, the definition of marriage varies between cultures, so we need to take that into account as well. As arrogant as it is, the women’s movement in the west has perpetrated cultural homogeny in cultures when ideals are different. I find that ideal reprehensible.
Finally, “open” marriages typically don’t work. Eventually, somebody gets jealous.
eschew! i fucking love that word
word! and if you time it just right, you can sneeze mid-sentence and still just keep on going.
zZz: that’s quite an image.
Dr. Fever: as I mentioned at the end of my last post, I was speaking of marriage as _historically_ serving as a control mechanism, and differentiated this from how it can function in western countries like Canada now. My reason for citing the Canadian example was to avoid making culturally-broad generalizations. My last post really doesn’t touch on either of your points. As it happens, I agree with you. I also would never proscribe open marriage as a panacea. It’s simply another way of doing marriage (or other long-term relationships) that works well for some.
zZz: LOL!
I’m partial to “extruder”, myself. Extruuuuuder. Makes you sound like a demented Swedish person.
Sorry, BD. sometimes I go off on a blind tangent.
Dr. Fever: No worries, hon’. I enjoy the debate.
2 words – Al Gore
oh but i’m sure he is a real stud-muffin tween the sheets…hahaha. cold and clammy is my guess
I think he just got tired of having to slap a ‘Parental Advisory” sticker on his norty bits every time he wanted a bit of the other. Yeah Tipper, Hollyweird may have forgiven and forgotten that but the rest of us haven’t.
I have been asked by family and friends if I am a Lesbian just because I have been single for a few years… OBVIOUSLY i love men..But I think marrying young and having children at a young age will most likely set a woman off into a midlife crises at some point. Not being able to live your life and have fun BEFORE making huge commitments will work itself backwards and will let the partying come in the later years. FYI to those mothers. Just because your children are a little older doesn’t mean they have to witness you trying to fit into their clothing or drinking their booze.. MOM!
SunSine…
I’m going to agree with you there.
Been seeing a bit of this going on myself, has I.
You are wise beyond your years…
and I tried to come up with a way to fit extruder in there but sadly… no luck.
I think my extruder now permanently has five u’s in it…. spell-check be damned.
extruuuuuder it is.
Last time I checked, 50% of all marriages fail.
So everyone’s OP is half correct.
zZz: yea! LOL.
I’d like to say I’ve seen more successful marriages of my generation but well…hey my brothers marriage is going strong and they have four kids. Go figure. Some couples have it, others not. Roll the dice.