I finally meet a guy who’s attractive, funny, very nice, sent me flowers at my new job… only to find out he’s 32, crashing on his parents’ couch “for awhile,” and has no car…. yet he has a job, so where’s the money going?!
Somehow, he can’t see why I don’t want to go out with him again. I’m no golddigger, but get your act together! Am I wrong?—Stop Cooking With Cheese!
This article appears in Apr 22-28, 2010.
Have you bothered to ask him why he’s crashing on the couch for a while? Maybe for some unforseen reason he was just booted out of his apartment? And maybe, like many people who live in the city, he doesn’t have a car because we have this thing called – gasp – public transportation?
If he’s attractive, funny, nice, thoughtful, and genuinely cares about you, I think you owe it to him and yourself to stick it through this one issue. Unless he’s completely dependent on them in the sense that they still cook him his food and he has no responsibilities. Some people go through rough times.
As for “where’s the money going”, apparently it’s going to you for gifts and the like.
Perhaps, like some of us, he is paying off the PhD and awaiting an opening in his field of study.
I work to fund my RRSP’s and max out my pension plan, not to mention three insurance plans and then my living expenses (and fortunate to have a travel fund). I enjoy three or four trips per year yet my disposable income is perhaps less than my friends who earn one-third my salary.
It is what it is. I’d gladly snap up guy who’s attractive, funny, very nice, and sent me flowers at my new job!
I don’t have a car. I use public transit or walk, which is cheaper and more enjoyable. I’ve been harassed by a lot of people, especially relatives, who have insisted that I must buy a car because it’s not normal to not own one. I would be happier with a car apparently. I’ve even had relatives tell me they didn’t understand why I never got a driver’s license and bought a car. I’ve had a license since my teens but never saw the need for a car. My total transportation costs per month is $70 for a bus pass and good health from walking to work.
But yeah, sleeping on parent’s couch is a bad sign, unless he’s actively trying to get out of that situation.
jdp21, that my friend, we both agree on, the last part, even more so.
Good to know, LS, that we can agree sometimes. Haha.
OP, unless he’s intentionally staying at home for the purposes of being pampered and taken care of and not some other reason, I suggest you go back and get down on your hands and knees, like a gypsie in an airport (guilty pleasure quote), and ask that he takes you back. From the sounds of it, he already knows you’re reluctant to see him again, so I’m guessing someone’s going to have to kiss the other’s ass.
To hell with cars, they’re a pain in the ass that people start to depend on, and suck the money out of a back account.
So what he’s staying at his parents? Maybe his parents might need help of some sort, and he’s staying there to help take care of them.
Depending on how old they are, one of them might night part-time care, or maybe he’s helping them pay off the last bit of the mortgage?
I’ve known plenty of perfectly responsible and together people who chose to stay on at their parents place for totally non-loser-ish reasons.
Also, just a thought, he might be paying rent to his parents.
Surrre not having a car is all fine and dandy for you all. Have a friend that has a car? Ever been driven somewhere by that friend? Shut up. Not a one of my friends has a car and my BF and I are always the ones driving all around, polluting the city rounding them all up. It’s the most inconvenient thing, having a car and knowing no one else that does. I’ve started to say no to drives, because I am trying to drive less now that I live in Halifax. Everything is walking distance and taking a bus somewhere is soo easy. I used to live in Dartmouth, taking a bus anywhere in Dartmouth to ANYWHERE takes at least an hour. EFF that. It took me 20 minutes to get to work from my new place in Halifax on a bus. I almost cried. It smelled like shit, but still, so quick <3.
To get back to the topic, I would at least talk to the guy about what you’re feeling. If he’s as good and nice as you say, you owe it to him.
omg pav you are like me! i have no desire to enter the world of driving and have never had a license. my friends and family look at this like it’s some sort of disease of acquired since they can’t possibly live without driving everywhere
and OP…….do you want to be with a guy that makes you happy, or a guy that gives you a house a car kids and nothing more?
op…from the description you gave, this guy sounds too good for you. i doubt he’d post a bitch about how you wouldn’t go out with him because you can’t get past the fact that he’s staying at his parents and doesn’t have a car, even though he’s funny, very nice, etc. find out his backstory before you start complaining about him.
My boyfriend was living with his parents when we met. He had a job (and a car, but his parents live outside the city) and he was saving up for school and a place of his own. It may look like suspicious that this guy is living there, but he could have broken up with a girlfriend or had a falling out with a roommate (or a roommate just wanted to move out). You need to ask the question why. Or, you know, it could still just be the cheese.
Holy shit am I glad you won’t be going near him again. He needs something better than your shallow fucking ass.
yeah, OP doesn’t come off very well here.
for shame…
OP, you are a bitch.
I could MAYBE see why you wouldn’t want to go out with him again if he was unemployed and crashing on his parents’ couch, but c’mon.
I’m 28 and I’ll be living with my parents for a while after school so I can get a jump on paying down my student loans. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that, and in fact, I think it’s a smart thing to do — why pay 700-800 in rent when I can put that money on my loans each month?
Perhaps if you weren’t such a cunt about it, OP, and ASKED him why he’s staying with his parents, then perhaps you’d find out that there’s a good reason why he’s with his parents.
Sounds like YOUR loss, OP.
Pretty Kitty, you took the words out of my mouth. This gal must think she has a 24 carat gold twat.
• Communicate. Talk to him. As hard a concept as it may sound. Maybe he’s a loser or it could be he has things on his plate that explain his situation. You won’t know unless you ask. If you care about him on some level and/or want to kill any lingering doubts, you owe it to yourself (and him by proxy) to find out.
As a fellow guy, I’m supposed to back him a hundred and ten percent. You listed off great attributes, but if he’s got no life goals, doesn’t know who he is or what he wants from life then that can be very unattractive. Confidence is sexy. That I understand.
• However if that’s not the case, resign yourself to the fact you’re indeed superficial. Tossing him aside without care or reason purely based on his current living and travel arrangements. I detect a certain level of self doubt, too. You got the feeling to bail, bailed, but now you’re here looking for answers none of us really have.
Hey Pavillion and Voice of Treason, lets start a club. I also refuse to get my license because I never want to own a car. Parents are not fond of that decision overall.
Wow, I guess some old stereotypes are still hanging on. Wasn’t there a terrible song that went, “girls don’t like boys, girls like cars and money”?
If you’re so hung up automobiles why don’t you get one and stop complaining? Have fun paying the 400-500$ a month they cost btw.
Stop worrying about status and just be with someone if they treat you well and you genuinely like them.
You’d be pretty lucky if he took you back.
I have been a lifelong member of the no-car-club since I’ve been old enough to drive. Two wheels, two feet and public transit haven’t left me feeling deprived in any way. There is actually more freedom in not owning a car, not having to be a slave to the expenses involved in owning and maintaining a car.
Then there’s the environmental factor. Adding more pollution to our stressed atmosphere benefits no one. How clueless we really are for a so-called intelligent species constantly amazes me.
what is this the 50’s….i need a car so i can go hang around the malt shop and then go to makeout point
The girl is either from the Valley or Cape Breton, has no education herself and works a Minacs probably.
He’s using the money to send women flowers, probably to suck them into a ponzi scheme…or worse.
could be that he’s divorced and the ex caused so many problems that not only is he paying support but also his lawyer cause the ex decided to drag it out costing him 10s of thousands.
BTW if he treats you good be fucking thankful, especially after all the “He’s a bastard” bitches that are on here.
I moved back into my parent’s basement for a couple months after my divorce. It was pretty temporary and not something I overly enjoyed doing. The only thing that would have made it worst would probably be meeting an awesome chick who turn out to be a cunt about the whole thing. Fortunately the opposite happened and we’ve been together for close to 8 years now…
Good lord OP, Please for the sake of this guy don’t take some of the advice on this forum about communicating with him.
Do him a favor and walk away.
OP if you were my daughter I’d be proud you’ve set the bar nice and high but I’d also worry you miss the opportunity for real love because that part has fuck all with the circumstances of the moment, which will pass. Besides, you’ve been raised to be independent, earn your own money, pay your own way… what do you want from this guy? Compatibility and a friend you feels right or a free ride into some fairy tale future fantasy of your mom’s?
If she were your daughter she’d probably kill herself.
Some people have the ability to see a diamond in the ruff – when I met Hub-Unit, he was on unemployment but I knew he had the talent and experience to bounce back. I looked after us for a few months and he’s returned that favour in a zillion ways over the last 28 years. I believed in him despite his situation and, had he disappointed me, well, I would have bailed out after six months anyway – I’m too fucking cheap to support anyone on a long term basis. It’s a crap shoot but one I was willing to take. Glad I did and so are the kids.
You sign off by saying “Stop Cooking With Cheese!” I’m sorry, but is cooking with cheese supposed to be a sign of poverty to you, OP??? Clearly you know nothing about cheese, then!
And you don’t have to be poor to enjoy Cheese Whiz!
And what do this guy’s culinary skills (or lack of) have to do with the fact he’s living in his parent’s basement?
You really do sound like a pathetic, shallow little gold-digger.
Humm…32 and crashing on parents couch, let me count the reasons.
1. student loans are a bitch, an expensive one
2. trying to get ahead in life isn’t just a mindset it takes a fortune many of us don’t have
3. a previous girlfriend or shitty roomate took him for all his money
4. he was stupid in his twenties and is paying for it now
5. he can’t cook and Moms does his laundry better than you?
At 30 I had to move home and stay with my very sweet parents for over a year (thanks again!) after being on my own for 12 years…It’s in no way an easy decision, what adult wants to camp at home and have to tell that to potential girlfriends? I know many people who have had to do it for all the above reasons. I had no other options after moving back here (a cardboard box in our shitty weather ain’t gonna work). I managed to get back on my feet, paid off part of my loans and bought myself a car so my boyfriend wouldn’t have to cart me around.
Maybe you should check out your own insecurities before you make assumptions about someone. How do you feel being judged as superficial and called a gold digger? If he’s a bum he’s a bum, but really he most likely deserves better than someone as judgemental as you!
p.s cheese is really expensive, what planet do you live on??
When I met my boyfriend he was almost 30…crashing on his parents couch and playing in a band WAS his job but he wasn’t making a lot. He bought me gifts here and there and it was always appreciated but never necessary
Shallow bitches like you wouldn’t give him the time of day.
Today, we live in a house that he bought, take nice vacations (when I can book time off…wish it was more often) and live a pretty cool life….all on money he’s made from his band.
Let him go so a nice girl can have him…why don’t you stick with the crop of losers you usually date since you seem to be one yourself.
24 carat gold twat. *dies*
CLASSIC.
Jumping to conclusions, OP, or just shallow? There’s many different reasons an adult could be living at home with the folks. Some have been posted here. Should’ve asked why he was home before assuming he was a loser. If you did ask and failed to tell us that part, and he is freeloading, okay, legit bitch. No one wants someone who can’t get out of his own way. But, I totally disagree on the car bit. Not everyone on this planet, despite how it would seem, wants a car. It’s not a sign of poverty or lack of independence to not have one.
And, for those who asked, I think the cooking with cheese comment is in reference to those cheese commercials that were out a few years ago where the man wouldn’t leave home because his mother cooked with cheese. The tag line was something like “if you want your kids to leave , stop cooking with cheese”.
“I finally meet a guy who’s attractive, funny, very nice, sent me flowers at my new job…”
Sounds like that truly matters to you. All in one? Really? weird..
“yet he has a job, so where’s the money going?! ”
It’s going towards trying to impress a shallow twat.
“I’m no golddigger”
Likely a partial lie.
you should definitly not see him again. no car?!?! oh my god. 32 and at home?!?! good grief. all they have to offer is like, love. and affection. what the crap?!?! making you feel good by being nice, and funny. what the hell is that?!?!
people can only be made to feel good by using money. and the notions that we have about having and aquiring money. how can you feel joy on a bus?! oh my god. my day. i can’t feel joy in anything less than 35k. frigg!
there are plenty and plenty of guys out there that know having a car and a place are the most important things. in life. it’s not hard to find one. really. go to like, the dome. or the palaise. it’s open season.
you need to kick him to the curb. loose the zero and get yourself a hero. um, what else did i learn about that on jenny jones?
but yeah. i don’t know though. really.
I think she’s right and should go with her instincts…if he is a totally normal guy with a reasonable explanation as to why hes on his parents couch ect..he would have told her by now.And just because hes good looking doesn’t mean hes good people, infact most of the real wierdos are good looking. I think hes probably a phycopath who can’t be normal and hes trying to use tacticts to win her over so he can move into her place and she can support him.. good for you for seeing through him..
Alright, finally checked this again. PHEW! I guess the general consensus is that I’m a gold-digging bitch! For anyone interested in an update: I found out that he wasn’t the one who sent me flowers, btw, he just claimed credit b/c they were unsigned. He’s currently laid off from his job, with no ambitions to get a new one. It’s not the lack of job, car, housing, it’s the lack of “having your shit together” that bothers me. I have my shit together and I find it attractive in someone else. I have a car, just bought a condo, make 45 grand a year…NOT that money is in the least important, it’s not… And yes, student loans are a bitch. I have 2 masters degrees and owe 20 grand, which I pay back dilligently. Like I said, I have my shit together, which has included summers crashing with the parents and living on a shoestring, it’s not about money…. It’s about his cigarette-bumming, non-job-finding, lying about flowers, not having student loans to pay off, not having a legit excuse to be a bum lifestyle. THAT’s not really getting my dick hard, ya know?
Still think it was MY loss, and that I’m a gold-digging asshole who thinks my cunt is 24 karats? All of you with the cinderella stories about your man starting out as a bum etc., I’m sure he at least had ambitions and was hard-working. Trust me, this guy was all charm and no substance. Moving on!!
it was certainly the way you presented it that made you look like a tool.
perhaps you should choose your words more wisely.. they’re all we really have to go off.