I am sick and tired of all this 60 year old Christmas music, will someone come up with some new songs please. —Ears are Bleeding

This article appears in Dec 1-7, 2011.

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49 Comments

  1. Stick your ipod or mp3 player into them bleeding ears of yours and shut the fuck up. Some of us actually like that cheezy old shit and it only lasts a month.

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  2. Well gues what, we don’t like the xmas music and it pisses us off that your fuckin nazi theme music of magic fixes to real problems has finally pissed us off and its gonna stop.
    When we were little you could put us down, take our things away, lots of punishments, like saying santa was watching us be bad and we wont get presents.well the chicken has come to roost and we are bigger than you now, you don’t look so scary anymore old man/woman, I think its about time you were put in your place.

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  6. Compose some new ones, have them recorded by someone, have them marketed and obtain air play to get them known, and sold in stores and on line, then eventually played in stores, and bingo – new Xmas tunes for all. Good luck with all that. After all the ‘old stuff’ was the new kid on the block at some point and had to go through this cycle.

    This time of year comes each year, so plan for it. Make your own ipod list, create new music or avoid stores and many other public places.

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  12. Deck us all with Boston Charlie,
    Walla Walla, Wash., an’ Kalamazoo!
    Nora’s freezin’ on the trolley,
    Swaller dollar cauliflower alley-garoo!

    Don’t we know archaic barrel
    Lullaby Lilla Boy, Louisville Lou?
    Trolley Molly don’t love Harold,
    Boola boola Pensacoola hullabaloo!

    Bark us all bow-wows of folly,
    Polly wolly cracker ‘n’ too-da-loo!
    Donkey Bonny brays a carol,
    Antelope Cantaloupe, ‘lope with you!

    Hunky Dory’s pop is lolly gaggin’ on the wagon,
    Willy, folly go through!
    Chollie’s collie barks at Barrow,
    Harum scarum five alarm bung-a-loo!

    Dunk us all in bowls of barley,
    Hinky dinky dink an’ polly voo!
    Chilly Filly’s name is Chollie,
    Chollie Filly’s jolly chilly view halloo!

    Bark us all bow-wows of folly,
    Double-bubble, toyland trouble! Woof, woof, woof!
    Tizzy seas on melon collie!
    Dibble-dabble, scribble-scrabble! Goof, goof, goof!

    Thanx to the Late, Great Walt Kelly

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  13. This Jim Kramer is as big a dickface as the television one!
    “Chickens come home to roost”!
    What a maroon!!

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  14. Let me guess OB, you’d rather hear that nut crack of an asshole Buble singing? Here’s hoping Santa’s sleigh crash lands on him.

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  16. Jesus christ was born 2000 years ago, and you are complaining about 60 year old music? Bahahahahahahahahahaahahahah!!!!

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  19. There’s a reason people have ipods. Might want to invest in one OP. I always remove my headphones at the register though, just seems like the polite thing to do when someone is serving you.

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  21. I’m glad you aren’t hating because that dude made you eat a bug! My ‘real’ name is the same as yours, and that would always bother the shit out of me. “No one’s making me eat no frickin bug” I’d think

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  23. all the good shit was written years back, when you could actually understand what was being sung. now, holy fuck, even jingle bells got fucked up big time. too loud, and can’t even hear douche trying to mouth the words. give me the old stuff anyday.

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  26. A number of years ago a friend gave me a tape that was called A LUMP OF COAL, had some cool takes on Xmas songs, especially Henry Rollins reciting Twas the Night Before Christmas. Not sure if you can still get it anywhere or not

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  30. Yeah I don’t imagine it’s very difficult to find, I just never knew of its existence until now.

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  31. A couple of years back I was in my local book vendor and the Muzak was playing Barenaked Ladies coke-fueled version of Jingle Bells (which I’m sure is on the playlist at Gitmo). I impiously and loudly invoked the name of our Saviour and stalked out. When I came back, it was Gwen Stefani singing “Santa Baby ” which, as near as I can figure, is about a female alchemist who uses her magical vagina to convert the sin of lust into precious stones and metals. This was followed by Rolf Harris’ “Six White Boomers” by which time my conversion to Islam was complete.

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  32. The best music was written and sung back then. Now you have all this digitally enchanced crap with retarded lyrics. You don’t even have to be able to sing to release a song or cd lol

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  35. Cookerguy: I fuckin’ hate that song too! I otherwise appreciate McCartney’s talent but this song is absolutely unbearable. I simply can’t stand the cheap ass, over-echoed chords from Linda’s vintage ’79 casio keyboard.

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  36. Sir Paul wrote a lot of great songs, wrote a lot of shitty ones too. The Pretenders have a cool one, 2000 Miles, I think?

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  37. Oh Yeah, the McCartney one belongs on Hell’s Jukebox along with any Xmas song the Beach Boys ever attempted. Stevie Nicks’ version of Silent Night is the holiday equivalent of waking up hungover in a Tijuana brothel on Christmas Morning and discovering that your 12 year-old prozzie has absconded with your wallet and watch. But the worst, bar none ,is “Rockin’ Around The Xmas Tree” for which the egregious Brenda Lee deserves one of these:
    http://www.mmmdonuts.com/motivational/imag…

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  38. That McCartney song is actually my least favourite thing about Christmas. Shoveling snow is actually more pleasant for me because I feel like I was productive. “Simply having a bad acid trip” is more like it.

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  40. omfg Ivan I was just gonna mention that dwarf from fleetwood mac ..that’s a VERY close second..actually “pop” stars should leave’em alone..crosby and bowie wasn’t bad though

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  45. Yupper-Havin a christmas day by Sir Paul equals his song “someone’s knockin’ at the do-or” clearly written while he was in the loo waxing his skis. Also really can’t stand Elton John’s ‘step into Christmas” for the same reason…

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  49. Elvis’ rather raunchy ‘Santa Claus is Back in Town’ warms my cockles… on many different levels… 😉

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