So this is directed to my “friend with benefits” why did you sulk the other day when I left? What happened that you felt the need to bury your head deep into your pillow and not talk to me? I don’t have time for that shit. Keep it simple! Then instead of being the 30 year old that you are, you completely ignore me. Nothing what out of the norm happened…you weren’t violated!. Fine, fine I get it, it’s over, but why!? Asshole!
— Just doesnt get it
This article appears in Sep 10-16, 2009.
Slut.
She’s a slut. He’s a slut with feelings for the slut. “Friends with benefits” never works in the real world, only in porn.
Friends with Benefits is a fantasy that never works long term in reality. Plain and simple, one or the other usually ends up developing feelings and then there are not only no longer any “benefits” but the “friends” part disappears too.
I think there should be a contract befor eyou have sex stating that you are free and clear of STD’s and you’re just lookin’ fer luv( in all the right places. That way, there can be no confusion and nonsense emotional attatchment. Either that or get a hooker.
If either person in a FWB relationship gets attached or emotional, then it’s not FWB.
I don’t see why OP’s a slut for having a FWB “relationship”…
No one ever calls the guy who sleeps around or the guy in FWB “relationships” a slut.
FWB doesn’t ALWAYS turn into attachment with emotions and all that shit thrown in. It’s probably pretty rare that things DO stay completely unattached, but it CAN work. You just have to find someone (a “friend”) to fuck who isn’t a friend — and someone you wouldn’t date in a million years 😛
Also, on a completely unrelated note: the stalker in me (not really) is wondering if PDG was driving the 52 last night?…I think i sort of figured out who he is irl thanks to a certain FB group (and my mad detective skillz)…confirm/deny/file a request for a protection order against PK? LOL
“Just doesn’t get it” won’t be getting it anymore…lol
Pretty Kitty is right. There was no need for archaic judgments and stone-throwing. Two consenting adults had, what appears to be, a mutual agreement–a kind of verbal contract. Once broken, the contract either gets re-written or business ceases. It is unfortunate that one was all business and the other could not help but get personal. In fact, this makes me doubt the ‘friends’ part. Although OP’s ‘friend’ should be a little more adult about how he handled his disappointment, OP should be a little more discriminating about who she chooses as a partner. If they had been friends, it is likely that OP would have known that her partner could not distance himself emotionally or even that OP did not have the maturity to handle an adult arrangement.
That said…once upon a time, men often pursued women until they got what they wanted–sex with no ties. Now, thanks to birth control, many women want the same thing. So, why are men suddenly demanding an emotional commitment?
And why are women being judged so harshly? I don’t hear people saying, “Oh, girls will be girls” when it comes to their sexual exploits. Yet, people nod, smile and say often affectionately, “Boys will be boys” for the very same behaviour.
*Ahem* I called them both sluts…
Stop calling women who pursue and enjoy having sex sluts!
A. It’s not cool for them.
B. It puts them off sleeping with more men. Men who could possibly be me, for example.
On the other hand, I can understand why this is because it is usually (about 95% of the time) men who have to pursue and get sex, so therefore when we do finally get it we have generally achieved something good after a lot of work, while women usually don’t have to pursue it and therefore getting it is not really achieving much. There’s also the physical part of it: women who frequently have a lot of sex are usually not as tight (both vagina and bum), while men’s penises are not affected as much by the amount of sex they have. Also, especially in the all too common missionary position, it is usually men who have to do most of the physical, mental, and emotional work while most women just need to lay there, make funny noises, and get themselves off. Hell, it’s pretty hard to even get a decent BJ nowadays! And yes, I do almost always go down on a girl is she wants it and do a pretty decent job at it, too. Anyway, not saying all this is right and there are probably more explanations for this common double standard, but those are just a few reasons I think.
I think we need a full societal change of mindset. It’s not only people in general who need to stop considering more promiscuous women as sluts, however, but also women need to actively pursue men (and what they want in general) a lot more rather than still expecting it the other way around. Also, perhaps, we men may need to stop being so damn easy! Then again, I think it has a lot to do with each sex’s very different biology and genetics, as well. Maybe it’s just me, but I have yet to meet a girl who has even one tenth the sex drive I do.
Basically though, no one should be ashamed of liking or having consensual sex, as long as no one’s getting hurt of course. It’s a great stress reliever and great exercise. In other words, there is absolutely nothing wrong with a good shag. So keep at ‘er!
Ohh, and regards to the OP, I too am having a bit of a FWB situation at the moment. Sure emotions happen and stuff, but it’s best to just keep it to the physical as much as possible. If it gets any further than that and you need to break if off and are still just looking for the physical part, there’ll be plenty of guys wanting a similar situation who will be good if not better. Me, for example. I’m a bit of a sex addict.
Yeah, buddy, grow a set!
Nevermind, I know you called them both sluts. The “archaic judgments and stone-throwing” was directed at you. = )
Lol PK – I thought I was the only one who “facebook stalked” LTWWB peeps. Basically if you can think of the two, most super obvious people to look up. Maybe when they throw us in jail we can share a cell 😛
qpmzwonxeibcruv, I think your comment about pursuit and reward is very revealing. The harder the work, the sweeter the reward. If something is gained easily or if it is handed to someone, it tends to be unappreciated or taken for granted. Maybe this is why so many guys are not satisfied with the new turn of events–that more and more women are fine with a just sex relationship. The pursuit has been eliminated–and therefore the feeling of conquest. So, this is not actually about sex–it is about ego. Veni, vidi, vici (He came, he saw, he conquered) has been reduced to vidi, veni. I guess this is why so many more guys are changing up on women with their sudden need for love and commitment. They need women to be head over heels in love with them, not for emotional reasons, but to feel that the conquest is complete.
That is not say that most guys do not want and enjoy the sex that these women offer them, only that these women have emasculated them in some way.
A consensual adult agreement for sex is based purely on satisfying a mutual physical need. Ego should only be a factor when it comes to taking pride in a job will done.
so .. does this mean she is available?
That cell better have internet, Mole Rat 😛
Most relationships end the same way they begin.
FWB is a slippery slope I’m not willing to climb, but some are, and done right, it’s AOK. Done wrong, we get attachments like this, not to mention various diseases.
To PK, confirm. I knew the day would come when someone would come looking. Not 100% which of the 3 trips you were on, but I am 100% I was driving the 52 on Monday night.
Yup, I agree…..they’re sluts!
I have not yet seen any compelling evidence that FWB actually works out. It seems to me that once the sex starts becoming regular. . . and then expected . . . then you are in a relationship.
Sure, it’s a great fantasy, but I think the reality is just more misunderstanding and heartbreak for both people involved.
Besides, it wastes a lot of time that could be otherwise spent with someone you really want to be with.
Life, especially the youthful part, is way to short for FWB.
PDG: I knew it was you! I got on the 52 at 7:55 coming straight off the 18 at lacewood with a SMU u-pass. I had a black trench coat on and got off at the Parkland stop just before the Irving. I told you to have a nice evening. I’m sure that describes any one of the thousands of passengers you see on any given shift 😛
And this totally sounds like it should be in the “psst” section 😛
Andx2 don’t worry — I won’t blow your cover 😉
Although I try not to judge others’ lifestyle choices, I try to keep an open mind and I will even defend their right to live their life how they choose (as long as their choice doesn’t hurt innocent people), I actually feel that when I offer myself sexually to someone, I am offering them a gift of value. What makes my gift valuable is that I do not offer it lightly or easily. Having experienced both sex for the sake of sex and sex as a spiritual experience, I opt for the latter (or at least the potential to experience the latter). This means that I must choose my partner in a discriminative manner. Although trust is the primary prerequisite, mutual care, respect, sensitivity and acceptance/appreciation are also required. This means that I must get to know my partner very well before crossing the line into intimacy. And, for me, this also means that there must be the potential for a future. I think that this has something to do with my need to feel safe–that my partner is as much there for me as I am there for him–the sense of this is hardly reinforced if he has one foot out the door. I guess this means that I want it all–the complete joining of two people physically and spiritually. Having experienced this, settling for just the physical alone is no longer an option–no matter how hard my body tries to convince me otherwise. = )
PK, I remember…I think. PM me (my email’s in my profile) so we don’t totally derail the thread, or pop it in psst, lol.