Public washrooms are an unfortunate necessity to 90% of people out there. And yet we’re still afraid to go #2 in any of them unless we’re 100% certain that we’re in there alone. Yes. That sounds like a lot of math. It’s a serious subject.

Some of us have actually perfected the art of cutting the thing off mid-load should another human being come within earshot. Contortions like this, besides being hell on the bowels and colon, are useless anyway because as soon as the little fella crowns, everyone within smelling distance already knows what’s going on.

And why shouldn’t they? For christsake everybody poops! Embrace it! Be okay with it. Fuck people who bitch and moan about a bathroom smelling like people are using the bathroom. They’re clearly stupid and DON’T poop which is WAY more bizarre than releasing a satisfying pantload of yesterday’s curry. I don’t even really get what the problem is anyway… Is it that people are pooping? Eating? Pooping after eating? Pooping in public? Is it a religious thing? I’m not sure why we’re all so embarrassed. If you keep it in you get those gross “I have to poop” farts. the kind that creep out even though you feel like you’re holding them in. And they’re so soft… like little ass ninjas and you think no one else can smell them. Well guess what. We can smell them. They’re gross. And we all know it’s because you’re too chickenshit to poop in a public washroom.

I used to be like a lot of you. Slinking furtively from floor to floor until I found an empty bathroom, than doing a bizarre sort of beat the clock with my bowels, trying to flush the evidence before anyone else came in. Jesus christ I worked a year of overtime, nearly killed myself… just to try and earn a promotion that would get me an office with a private washroom. Okay? I’ve been there. I know what it’s like to be an anal-retentive control freak. But not anymore. I refuse to continue to allow the rest of you to make me feel powerless when the truth is, I’m not on trial here. I’m not powerless against nature. WE ALL ARE.

So fuck it. Next time you go, tuck a newspaper under your arm and walk proudly through that door, nose in the air. Be the change you want to see in other people. —Anal Retentive No More

This article appears in Oct 20-26, 2011.

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38 Comments

  1. Reply

  2. Are you bitching that you use a public washroom or bitching because others don’t? Who cares? You are completely full of shit, but hey, some people are into that shit.

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  4. When you gotta go , you gotta go.
    So I do, no matter how many people are in the public washroom .
    OB it seems from your post, you’ve got or had a problem….I have no idea what you’re talking about, because I’ve certainly never had it.

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  5. Can’t be as bad as the time I used Wheelie’s bathroom…
    “IT’S FOR BLOOD, IVAN!”

    Wheelie does a great Joe Swanson, by the way >; )

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  7. Oh, geez. Eat oatmeal, get regular and use your ain crapper when you drop a deuce. Then, since you are at home, you can shower and clean out the crack o’ your bum.

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  8. Haha the school I use to go to had lots who were not embarassed to take a number 2.
    Everytime you walk in the washroom you could tell someone did.
    Besides its kinda funny the look on poeple’s faces as you walk out and they can smell your previous meal. LOL.

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  10. I have no problem with doing #2 in public bathrooms, that’s what it’s there for. Yes it sucks to smell a stranger’s shit, but people have to smell their own shit and possibly that of partners and family, and clearly they’ve survived that…

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  11. I am going to take a wild guess and assume that you are female, most men don’t seem to have this problem of worrying if someone is in the washroom at the same time as them.

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  12. Oh, forgoodnesssakes!

    ***
    I’m not powerless against nature. WE ALL ARE.
    ***

    Bull pucky! How are you going to supervise people when you can’t even control your own bodily function? You are having this problem because you don’t eat breakfast and prolly drink too much coffee. Then you have a carb and protein laden lunch, which moves the food that had been in your small intestine down to your colon and into the poop chute, signaling it is time to find a potty. A fart is the sound of a turd screaming to get out.

    And a washroom in for office is great–unless it makes your office smell like ass!

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  14. Personally I like to crap in private ,even home I wouldnt want anyone in the can with me as I unload the log of contentment(nor would anyone in their right mind want to be in there as I do it)Actually its more to do with the fact that many assholes have hung out on these public thrones and its kinda fuckin gross.Any public toilet is disgusting to say the least and I really dont like to listen to someone grunt and groan and sound like they fell into a box of whoopie cushions and plop goes the yule log.

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  18. SHITTING IS SERIOUS BUSINESS, GUYS.

    I mean, NOTHING compares to the feeling you get right after dropping a great big perfect load. Deny it and I’ll call you a fucking liar!

    Anyone who’s ever been constipated and unable to have a satisfying shit knows the horror of it.

    As me ma (who’s a shameless shitter) always says: “the asshole rules the body.”

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  21. “Anything for you Hugo.” – Well that definately put a smile on my face =)
    But alas, I’m presently pursuing another relationship, so I can’t take advantage 😉

    How’d you car turn out Donk?
    I made a bit of a mistake, took the wrong road. Bottomed out, backed into a big rock, took the pasenger mirror off with a tree branch, and scratched the shit out of the paint job. It’s my first auto claim in over 20 years, $12,500 appraisal.

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  22. True dat, mel.

    Actually, there are some people who physically can’t poop in public. They actually don’t get the urge to go in public. They just feel all bloated and gassy. And when they sit on the shitter they just can’t do it. When they get home the suddenly get the urge to go.

    I’ve got a friend like dat, yo’. Must be HELL traveling. 🙁

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  23. when I go camping where there are outhouses, I sometimes dont crap for 36 hours…..unless I get into the garlic sausage and beer, but thats a different story.

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  24. “… presently pursuing another relationship” OOOH Hugo! That’s exciting! 😀

    $12,500 appraisal, wow, that’s nuts. Good that you’re ok though, and it was nothing incredibly serious. My car’s ok. Got the big oil leak fixed but more keep popping up. I think the integrity of the system (if that makes sense) is on it’s way out. Hope to get 1 more good year out of her, see her through winter, and if I can strechhhhh it out for 2 yrs. I’ve looked at other sturdy cars with pops, but I’ve got to acquire some credit. Really want to invest in something that will last another 12 years with only minor problems. Got my first credit card 2 months ago since the guys at Volvo said no one will even look at me if I have no credit, which is understandable. In time, in time. I’m all good with the old girl for now!

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  25. be like a parent, and ask yourself, if you need to go, before leaving home.once you sit down, nature usually takes it’s course, and yes, you do go.but maybe you wear depends, and don’t need the toilie. then stay the fuck away from me.
    i came home this a.m., and there was this chick, about 30 or so, two feet from me, i think she shit herself, or let a huge stinky fart go. one way or other, it was fucking putrid. i was glad to be off that bus in a flash.
    and then there is dog smell guy, he seems to sleep with wet dirty dogs. i’m going out looking for another car tomorrow, after i drop my bugaboo off at daycare.

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  27. I swear if one more person writes a bitch telling me how and/or where I should shit or piss… unless it’s in a doorway of someone’s home or place of business.. They’re getting the longest, most pointless, furious and painful to read ever TJ902 rant up in their e-grill. Please guys, spare the rest of us from my e-wrath. You don’t want to hear it.

    I’ll fuck around and make every one of hate my e-guts, well those of you who don’t already;)

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  29. RSVPs: Pooping and the Halifax Underclass
    Just kidding, but man, it would be funny if Hans Moleman contributed to this one.
    Candyman!
    Candyman!
    Candyman!

    ——-
    Negro please
    ——-

    Donk, they like to be called “coloureds” now.

    ——-
    Can’t be as bad as the time I used Wheelie’s bathroom…
    “IT’S FOR BLOOD, IVAN!”
    ——-

    And then there’s the timw the atomic bomb went off and I was melted into the driveway, and Ivan fought a giant chicken for a strangely long time…

    I have a mathmatical formula called “The Inverse Proportionate Law of #2”, which states:
    “The worse the state of someone’s bowels whilst in public in inversely related to the required stall size for deployment of said bowels.”
    To whit:
    When I used to go to the Air Canada Centre to watch the Leafs let down the city of Toronto- I mean play hockey, I always had to wait to use the handicapped stall (which is my only option for #1/2 in public) because someone was invariably dropping a “Tragic Deuce” in the wheelie stall. The bigger to deuce, the more “operating room” you need, to “operate”.
    The sheepish look, the sweaty brow, as they rushed by me in embarrassment, and my audible laughter and “ohmyfuckinjezzus” as I surveyed the plugged shitter with 10lbs of terlit paper and poop(and yes Ivan, occassionally *blood*) as I closed the door behind me.
    And then when I leave the stall, the next guy looks at me like I should see the bowel doctor/exorcist.
    God, having a disability is a laugh riot!
    And single ladies out there?

    Loves ya, Comrade Ivan. You’re an awesome dude, and I think your wife is gorgeous.

    Wpaul
    Wp

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  30. Just test me Donk! I will ramble about shit and piss and ethics and what have until your monitor explodes! I don’t want to but I will!

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  32. ’twas indeed in response to you.

    Awww, my mom, I love my mummy. *feels all warm and childlike* Her eyesight is going and she keeps asking me to read things for her, it’s cute. But, I digress … and no, I do not doubt your rambling capabilities.

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  37. i think this goes back to nature and our instincts as animals. look at cats, they have a strong instinct to bury their waste to hid the smell so predators can’t track them. if a cat doesnt bury their waste they aren’t asserting their dominance over the other cats and if a cat does bury it they are showing their subordination to the other cats/humans in the household. this might explain why men dont seem to have a problem going #2 in public while more females do – men still typically hold positions of power in our society. think about it – if you had to choose to either take a crap next to your boss or another co-worker u would likely choose another co-worker. even subconsciously people show their subordination/position of power in different ways.
    but mostly, i think it’s just common courtesy not to stink up the washroom for the next person using it. public washrooms tend not to have air freshners like you do at home but i wish to god they did cuz some people stink so bad

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  38. i think it’s the noise, that’s why i flush as it’s coming out. i know a few folks who have trouble when on vacation/camping, time changes can play havoc too…they come back all bunged up

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