So after we’ve been together for awhile, then start lightly bringing up the subject of marriage, you come out and tell me you want to have kids; even though you’ve been more than aware since day 1 that I want nothing to do with being a mother.
Now you’re saying this one factor (childern) could make or break our future… So am I just hanging around while you wait in hopes that I’ll change my mind, or are you going to come to terms that I have set this standarded in stone since I was five years old
—I just needed to rant
This article appears in Aug 13-19, 2009.
To the boyfriend of the woman who wrote this,
DUMP HER today! You will never be happy if you want kids and she does not…I promise you. Kids are the best thing in the world and if your woman doesn’t know that than it sucks to be her. She will regret it when she is old and alone.
one comment……SPELL CHECK…….
No wonder you dont want kids….Who will teach them anything????….
Whatever 902, kids aren’t for everyone. The “dump her today” advice is solid though.
If she doesn’t want kids, that’s fine. The comment that gets me though is that it was decided when you were five years old? Don’t you think that’s a little early to make life decisions?
No one has the right to say ‘kids are the best thing in the world’ – since that is just your OPINION!!! I happen to think my personal freedom, leisure, ability to spontaneously do whatever I feel like on a given day is ‘the best thing in the world.’ Hence why I, a woman in my early 30s, am NOT having them. Fortunately, I live with a guy who agrees with me. For him, it’s mainly the fact that money and a career are more important – and that is perfectly acceptable because it is his life too! It’s a choice like anything else. Having a baby for the wrong reasons is the worst thing you could do to a child. And frankly, the poster may be the one leaving her boyfriend first, not the other way around.
Don’t take this the wrong way RB, but that’s a pretty typical view from a “me” generation. Nothing necessarily wrong with it, but it’s quite the change from only a generation or two ago when the “nuclear family” was the standard goal.
One of the problems with the kids or no kids decision, is that sometimes people change their minds as they get older. So while I do not want kids, and as far as I know my bf doesn’t either, you never know if one day one of us will wake up with the desire to spawn. All you can do, which the OB did, is to be upfront about how you currently feel.
OB, if you don’t DTMFA, make sure you’re in charge of the birth control. It’s much worse when the girl wants kids and the boy doesn’t, because the boy can’t do much if a pregnancy “accidentally” happens and the girl wants to keep it.
This bitch has nothing to do with whether having kids is a good thing or not. It’s about a couple that have different goals in life. Their problem could be anything – this one just happens to be about children. One of you needs to change their mind, or, if that’s not going to happen, one of you needs to end it now.
DTMFA
Op, I can kind of sympathize. I know a few guys who want kids who are with girls who say they don’t, but I think they secretly hope the girls will change their mind. Some do, but they have no right to push. It’s a mutual decision that you mutually have to agree upon. If you can’t mutually agree, you probably shouldn’t be together.
Hate to burst your bubble 902, but just because a woman doesn’t want to be a walking incubator doesn’t mean she will end up “old and alone”. She’ll probably end up happy that she didn’t bring another human being into the world just to please someone else.
And Miles, one of the reasons the “nuclear family” was the goal a generation or two ago is because people had opinions like those of 902 were more prevelant and more women with fewer options had less choice and ability to defy them.
Im kind of shocked that so many people seem to side with someone who is basically saying “I know what you want in life because you’ve been honest with me from the beginning, but now I want what I want and if you won’t give it to me, it’s over”. That attitude is pathetic and childish.
That’s how most relationships end mosley. People change over time.
It’s fine that she doesnt want kids. It’s not fine that this poor guy is in love with this woman who will never give him what he wants. Dont harsh on them. Feel pity for them. They will both never get what they want in the end and thats sad. Children are not for everyone but to those who are truly blessed with the children they craved, it is happiness beyond measure. Best of luck, but end it now. Get the heartache overwith now.
Mosley, I’m aware of the reasons for the shift from the nuclear family model, but I just find it funny that all these smart, motivated, successful women (and men) are the ones choosing not to procreate. It seems a shame, you would think those are some of the values you would want to pass on to the next generation. Maybe we have liberated ourselves into extinction.
I also think it is a result of a consumer based and somewhat selfish culture. MY happiness is now more important than everyone else’s. Successful relationships (and families) involve some amount of compromise. I wonder how many of these dynamic, upwardly mobile couples with no kids will still be couples in their old age.
Personally my lack of breeding desires is mostly as a result of wanting to decrease the population for the good of the planet, not for my own selfishness. We have too many people, and I’m not going to add to that problem if I can help it. If I ever do change my mind about kids, I’ll adopt.
I understand that nevermind, I just think that to suddenly announce a change of heart like this and to expect the other person to follow suit is unreasonable and immature. The OB’s boyfriend is taking the coward’s way out, making his change of heart her responsibility.
Miles, I fully agree that relationships involve compromise; I’m just curious as to why it is this woman and not her boyfriend that should be the one to compromise. After all, if the boyfriend suddenly wants children, he is asking the OB to compromise her values, her future, her body and possibly her health.
Dump him now OB, before you’re married and own a house/car together and it all becomes more complicated. This is one of those relationship issues that compromise will not resolve. I doubt this is a “sudden” decision for him and his choice to withhold his desire for children until the relationship has gotten serious smacks of manipulation.
And just so you know nineotoo lots of people who have children end up old and alone. Nursing homes are full of people whose children and grandchildren are too busy to visit.
If not for breeding the next generation…why bother having a women at all ?
Might as well just live alone & rent companionship as needed. That way you get to choose a different race, age, or different level of hotness whenever you get the urge.
Don’t bother getting down on me about ‘prostitution’ everyone involved in a relationship is basicly prostituting themselves to another.
(let the bashing begin 🙂
I don’t really get this whole thing where people who want to have kids look down on those who have chosen not to (in many situations it not really about “me me me” but about the fact that many young people do not have the financial means to care for a child). I’ve always particularly enjoyed the rationale of those who say “but what about when you’re old and alone?” If that’s not me me me thinking, I don’t know what is. It’s hardly selflessness. How about this – when I’m old and alone, I can continue to hang out with friends and family, make new friends, and involve myself in social activities and causes? Rather than the alternative, which is apparently to board myself up at home with my cats and feel sorry for myself because I’m “old and alone?”
People Are Stupid, I agree with you. I think that adopting the children who are already here and who have need of a healthy, stable and loving home is the best solution all round for those who want a family. It is especially ideal for those who don’t want a family at this time but want an option to change their mind somewhere down the road. Children love and care about whoever loves and cares about them. So, even to just take an interest in the welfare of our children on a part-time basis is good.
So OP, there are options for your partner outside of procreating if he is willing to compromise. He can mentor, become a big brother, adopt (informally) a child that would benefit from his involvement, etc..
More, you should hang out with Life Sucks and talk about women.
Mole rat, you are right, in a “me” generation, having kids can also be a very selfish act.
I guess I just find it a little disturbing that so many people seem reluctant to have kids these days. I understand, because I am reluctant too, but kids are necessary for the good of the species. It’s funny how money and success and happiness can override such a strong instinct to procreate.
I have more respect for the OP than I do for women who slide out kidlings and don’t give too shits afterwards. There are too many neglected children in the world as it is. Stay true to yourself, OP, parenthood is not for everyone. I’ve had friends who’ve made your decision and haven’t had one regret about being childless – and all that disposible income!!!!!
Miles- why would I want to hang around with someone who thinks life sucks?
I don’t think it sucks, I think its great …even better now that my kids are grown & out on their own. The ex wife is GONE ! YYYYAAAAAAAYYYYYY.
No, life couldn’t be better unless I hit the lottery jack pot.
Then I could spend shitloads of money on booze ,travel & good smoke, the rest of it, I would just waste on women & more toys !
Although i have to agree with the post by TTFN , too many babies being brought into this world by parents who don’t care for them, & can’t afford to take care of themselves never mind the poor child.
More, More, More…. why do you think I picked this handle ?
I definitely sometimes want to reconsider, especially when
I meet a really special (and well-behaved haha) kid.
I assumed that your discomfort with less people having children related to the economic good of this region and Canada, not “the species.” From my POV, there are already billions of women out there just pumping them out, so the species overall is hardly at risk – at least, not from underpopulation. I support these women acquiring more control over their own reproductive choices, in which case general underpopulation might become everyone’s concern.
At the same time, I do know plenty of people here who have gone the procreation route…young people I grew up with.
As far as the OP goes, I can sympathize with her feeling of betrayal…it must suck to think that a major reason he pursued the relationship was because he had some hope that she would change her entire life plan.
EXACTLY, TTFN!! So many couple friends of mine who have children can afford them with no trouble, but they seem still very stressed out and exhausted ALL the time from the hard work of it. A few have told me flat out that they regret the decision, and their kids had actually BEEN planned. Color me lazy, I don’t care, but I wouldn’t want that for me. The joy that kids are supposed to bring would not be very joyful for me. OP has the right to make her own life the way she wants it to be. The guy cannot expect her to change for him. It’s very sad but true.
You decided when you were 5?!? I will side with OP in the sense that I agree kids may not be a good idea for her. Anyone who decides at 5 yrs old that they don’t want children and actually use “I decided when I 5 that I don’t want child and you should you respect that” as an excuse shouldn’t be allowed to have kids, period.
I feel for your poor husband/boyfriend for somehow getting stuck with you and your bullshit.
More, if you can’t find a use for women other than sex and breeding, you are missing out on some of that more, more, more you were talking about.
Mole Rat, you are right, I’m not really worried about the survival of the species, just the quality and quantity of it.
Kind of like the movie Idiocracy, when all the smart people stop having kids, so the entire population gets dumber and dumber as the generations pass.
It’s unfortunate, but maybe instead if the population gets a bit stupider, the job market will even out, so that a degree actually means something. And we’ll have lots of kids to work at fast food places, which will boom even more because of the stupidness of the population.
hali: “I feel for your poor husband/boyfriend for somehow getting stuck with you and your bullshit.”
How can you say this when it’s obvious the OP was upfront and honest with said husband/boyfriend about not wanting kids? I agree with Jai that it sounds like manipulation on his part.
I do agree that the whole thing about making this decision at the age of 5 is a bit much.
I can’t help but wonder if people would have such strong opinions towards the OP if it was the guy saying his gf/wife suddenly sprung it on him after he’d been clear about not wanting kids. In my experience (and I’ve made the decision to not have children-as has my SO), when a man says he doesn’t want them, very few, if any, people say ‘You’ll change your mind.’ Yet, when I’ve told people my decision, that’s all I get.
And PAS is right; adoption is a great route if there is a change of mind later down the road.
Good point shoe_chick re: the double standard. I wonder if they are referring to the experience many women seem to have, in their late 30s or 40s, of the “biological clock ticking” or whatever, even if they’ve never wanted kids. It’s probably partly, of course, to do with people’s idea that you’re “wasting a good womb” or some craziness.
Often if two people stay together long enough, the decision is made for them (barring some surgical intervention).
You’re right Mole Rat. There’s still the pressure, I find anyway, that as a woman, it is our duty to procreate and if we decide not to, we’re horrible, selfish people!
You make a good point, nm, accidents do happen (I hope I’m interpreting you correctly lol), however, couples do have options available. And I feel so bad about how much you’re getting ganged up on in the smoking thread!!!
thanks shoe_chick *hugs*
You are interpreting me correctly. To many though (not trying to start an argument here, just saying!), those options aren’t really available, for whatever reason.
You wined me and dined me
When I was your girl
Promised if I’d be your wife
You’d show me the world
But all I’ve seen of this old world
Is a bed and a doctor bill
I’m tearin’ down your brooder house
‘Cause now I’ve got the pill
All these years I’ve stayed at home
While you had all your fun
And every year thats gone by
Another babys come
There’s a gonna be some changes made
Right here on nursery hill
You’ve set this chicken your last time
‘Cause now I’ve got the pill
This old maternity dress I’ve got
Is goin’ in the garbage
The clothes I’m wearin’ from now on
Won’t take up so much yardage
Miniskirts, hot pants and a few little fancy frills
Yeah I’m makin’ up for all those years
Since I’ve got the pill
I’m tired of all your crowin’
How you and your hens play
While holdin’ a couple in my arms
Another’s on the way
This chicken’s done tore up her nest
And I’m ready to make a deal
And ya can’t afford to turn it down
‘Cause you know I’ve got the pill
This incubator is overused
Because you’ve kept it filled
The feelin’ good comes easy now
Since I’ve got the pill.
Neither one of them should compromise. That’s stupid. Its way too big of an issue to compromise on. If he wants kids and she doesn’t, that’s the end of the relationship. Their goals are different and if one of them gives in, there will a lot of resentment in their future. ‘
Idiocracy…I’ll have to check that out. That’s exactly where my thoughts were going PAS. Thanks.
Sounds like your BF was hoping you’d change your mind, or figures he can convince you to change….people always think they can “change” someone, but the ONLY way someone is going to change is if they initiate it themselves. And clearly, you don’t want kid. Nothing wrong with that at all.
I have family members who never wanted and never had kids and they’re happy as pigs in shit. They have their interests and have animals and a great social group. I also have family members who DID have kids they didn’t want and it really fucked the kid up (they’re adults now) — nothing worse for a kid than feeling their parent(s) resent their existence.
Kids just aren’t for everyone.
You’re welcome, nevermind =), and you’re right. Unfortunately.
I agree with you virgomom. If either compromises, there will be nothing but bitterness and resentment.
My lady and I love kids: our inlaw’s kids that is. Once we realized we could ‘have kids’ without the hassle and inconvenience of actually having our own we were in a much happier place.
Um, those lyrics were supposed to be signed by Loretta Lynn. She wrote this 40 years ago when, finally, birth control was not only legal, but someone took the time to cater to the demands of women by inventing a new form of birth control that increased protection and was much more accessible (The Pill is the name of the song.)
The world is way over populated… Whats it at now? Almost 7 BILLION… I want kids, but if the world they are going to live in is going to be fucked then I wouldn’t want to have my kid deal with my grandparents mistakes.
But yeah, If you can’t be compatible with something as life changing as a child then you shouldn’t be together… someone will end up unhappy for a long while.
Miles… what am I missing, her monthly period ?
Her whining about any & all aches & pains?
Her bitching ? After all if its a woman ,they can find something to bitch about, even if you’ve done the laundry & dishes before they get home.
No ,no, no as has been put down by others here many times Life Is Too Short, to not be able to do whatever you desire when you desire it . Wine them, dine them, F*(# them , enjoy your time together ,but don’t invite them into your home to live & for christ sakes don’t marry one…been there done that. Still waiting for the T shirt !
The only way, I could be happier than this… if I was 2 people !
More, you sound like a stereotypical bitter divorced man.
I applaud you, Miles.
Ha ha. Enjoy your freedom More. I wish you nothing but success and happiness.
I’m just glad my experience with women has been more positive than yours.
I married for the first time at the ripe age of 34 and in the process, gained a 12 year old son, who I have recently legally adopted. For years, I believed that I never wanted to get married or have kids, but that all changed when I met my wife. I believe that a lot of people get married and have kids for the wrong reasons. From my experience, the only right reason is because you meet your soul mate with whom you want to share everything with for the rest of your life. From what I’ve seen, other marriages don’t last, and in the end, the kids suffer. The point of this is if the OP does not want to have kids, then her relationship won’t last. Patience is the best virtue and hopefully, she will find someone who thinks like she does.
Guy’s I’m not at all bitter.
I’m as happy now as I have ever been.
I’ve got money in the bank, a job I really enjoy.
I own my own place & my vehicles are paid for.
Lot’s of time off , for travel & enjoying life .
I truely have nothing against women ( I certainly don’t go around scoring them on their hotness or lack of it) & I’m not gay or at least I have no desires that way.
I’m happy & really just want to continue not harming anyone & not being harmed. Kid’s are definately not for everyone, on that I agree 100%, but neither is a commited relationship, not that I don’t have a F^(# buddy & she’s not into any strings, or a commitment either .
Life is good !
Sorry i’m not bitter,hate to disappoint any of you ………………………………..LMAO !
Lol More…I give! Kudos to you for finding what makes you happy. Cheers!
A choice of having or not having kids is a deal breaker. Neither party will be happy. Best to end it now and find someone who has the same goals in regards to children.
There is nothing worse than being stuck in a situation one doesn’t want. It’s even worse when one or the other tricks their partner into their way of thinking.
I should qualify my comment on compromise:
“So OP, there are options for your partner outside of procreating if he is willing to compromise. He can mentor, become a big brother, adopt (informally) a child that would benefit from his involvement, etc..”
I assumed that before going the route of a compromise, the person would first contemplate why it is they want children.
Do they have need of a replica of themselves? In this case, there is no compromise.
Do they want to love and be loved in the way only children can do? This can be done without having your own children (as Cranky showed).
I think OP’s boyfriend has betrayed her here, but I am not sure it was intentional (if we lie to ourselves, we are not necessarily deliberately lying to others). That said, OP sounded like she wasn’t running for the door. It sounded like she was hoping to find a resolution. I think, if this is the only unhappiness in their union, it is worth a shot to force her partner to really think about why he needs this to complete his happiness. This should be a prerequisite to having kids anyway (as is apparent with the posts expressing regrets).
It is a simple as this….live without ever experiencing parenthood then you are missing out huge. If you have never experienced it keep your mouth shut because you have no clue what your selfish-assed mouth is talking about. Obviously if you are a crack head then I am not referring to you but clearly the Op is not a crack head.
And what exactly do you think your purpose is on this Earth? Darwin would be disgusted.
NineOToo what is your problem with people choosing to live their lives according to their own idea of what is meaningful and important? You shound like one of my friends who once admitted that she regrets having children. She’s always banging on about how great it is to everyone else in an attempt to convice herself and everyone else that she’s happy. People want different things from their lives and find different things personally fulfilling. I don’t enjoy being around children so I seriously doubt I’d be missing much by not raising a litter of them. Bringing another human being into the world is something nobody should do unless they are sure they can provide them with the type of love and attention they need to thrive.
Jai, I am actually one of the people who had kids later in life thinking selfishly that I didn’t want them….but I was wrong. I have been on both sides of the argument – you haven’t so don’t tell me what I know and don’t know. If you are an addict, criminal, lowlife then you SHOULD NOT have kids. Otherwise…..quit being so selfish and me me me minded. Maybe you’ll never own a boat or a million dollar home but once you have kids you’ll see that that shit doesn’t mean fuck all anymore.
NineOToo, I like you, got into parenthood late, and although I am not my son’s birth father, he is my son and I love him as if he came from my sperm. However, let people fucking live for christ’s sake. If people choose not to have kids, then don’t treat them as they’re the scour of the earth. Lighten the fuck up.
blah blah blah, I’d rather have a boat and a mansion.
to each their own,if you don’t want them fine.if yoy do,then fine again.but the two of you should figure this out in case an accident should happen. then the child will be the one suffering not you or your partner, the child must alwayss come first here.
You know what, More? For some reason people who don’t conform to what is “supposed” to make us all happy (a romantic partner, kids, blahblah) then we MUST all be miserable and bitter if we simply say “I like being alone” or what have you.
I’m glad you’re living the life that makes you happy. Sometimes it’s hard to believe someone when they say they’re just not into being in a committed relationship (or any relationship). I waiver on this issue, but right now I’m happy being single because I can do what I want when I want to do it — no compromises. I’m not sure if I’ll feel this way forever, but for right now I’m 100% happy being single. I mean last guy I had a thing for I would’ve never dated because I’m happy being alone right now.
But of course, my friends (who are couple’d) don’t believe me because relationships are the be all and end all of happiness. Yet so many of them constantly bitch about their SO. And many of them are in relationships for the sake of not being alone. I’d much rather be alone than be with someone for the sake of being with someone.
PK and More, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with enjoying being single. I think you have to know how to be single and happy even if you are looking for a relationship. Being together because you can’t be alone isn’t very healthy. I was calling More on his attitude towards women, which if you look at his language, does come off as being a little bitter. But he explained himself, so it’s not quite as negative as he originally sounded.
“I have been on both sides of the argument – you haven’t so don’t tell me what I know and don’t know.”
No, you haven’t been on both sides. You had a kid, so you are one of the people who had kids. You can’t be both a person who had kids and a person who never had kids.
You know I have given some thought to what my purpose is here on earth, but I’m glad to know that I need concern myself no more with such questions, as I have windbags like you to tell me what to think.
It’s because of people like you 902 that we are overpopulated. Having kids is not the reason for being. Animals in the wild, even without having “selfish” desires like mansions, stop having offspring when the population is high and the resources run low. This is because the more kids you bring into a bad situation, the more kids die from said situation.
Having kids these days is FAR more selfish than not having them. You have kids because you feel that YOUR gene pool should be carried on, YOU want the undivided love from that child, YOU want your name to live on, (not to mention things like the child tax credit). You don’t care about the fact that you’re dooming the planet, and your child to live in an overpopulated world with increased chances of health problems, poverty and crime. Because you’re not really thinking about the future, you’re thinking about what YOU want right now.
I’m a guy and hearing the words “I’d like to have kids some day” is a deal breaker for me too. My married male friends all say sex isn’t the same after the wife pops out the first one.
People Are Stupid – I could not agree with you more. Along those lines, what irks me most is young women my age having babies as what appears to be a somewhat social thing. It gives them a chance to go to these “play groups” and have “play dates” with their babies and all their friends’ babies. Oh, how cute! Yeah, I’ll just pop one out now to fit in with the rest of them. GREAT reason to procreate. (eye roll)
And those are the girls who in a few years are going to be regretting their decisions, when their other friends are off having a blast traveling and such. They will then blame their children for ruining their lives, while clingling to them for being the only person who still loves them.
Why not spring for one of those new designer babies? Get a magnetic one, and when you’re not using it you can stick it to the fridge…