All The Monkeys Aren’t In The Zoo

A profound thank you to the three simians sitting in front of us last night at the Dress Rehearsal performance of the Royal Nova Scotia Tattoo; your drunken antics have done nothing but reinforce my curmudgeonly opinion that the main problem with public events in Halifax is that they attract the public. I realize that your tickets, like mine, were complimentary, but your catcalls, loud conversations, and complete inability to stay in you seats did nothing to compliment the performance. Being asked by the usher to settle down, and to stop attempting to film the event on your I-phone, did little to dampen your spirits. And the appearance, at the finale, of a five foot, yellow beach sun sunscreen, and your collective comic inability to master its simple spring fold back into the bag design provided a poignant counterpoint to the the practiced and precise movements of the Tattoo performers during their final procession, which we could often glimpse around your impromptu contribution to the evolution of entertainment. Unfortunately, this may be your only contribution to evolution, as your boggling stupidity will most likely lead to to a tragic accident involving inflatable beach toys. So, a salute to you; you are certainly representatives of some of this city’s finest, as evidenced by your casual disrespect of your fellow citizens, the troops of international performers you so effectively upstaged, and the Halifax Police Academy t-shirts you so proudly wore.
—Flipper the goat

This article appears in Jul 2-8, 2009.