Thanks a pantload for telling me you have feelings for me last night. Thanks for telling me you’ve had feelings for me since we were teenagers. You had 14 years to cop to this, but no, you wait until after you’re married to tell me this delightful news. Which is the part that infuriates me because guess what! I had feelings for you too. For all these years! And your admission has made those feelings I buried in the back of my mind all come rushing back. Especially the things you said. The times you reminisced about. The reasons why your feelings for me were and are so strong. No man has ever said to me what you said to me last night. I think that’s what kills me the most.
I get it, we were both incredibly shy back then. I completely understand why it never happened. Sure I regret it, but bringing it up to me NOW is just cruel. Some things are better left unsaid. What good did it do either of us for you to confess these feelings to me now? And what good is it to talk about what “could’ve been”? I obviously can’t have “what could’ve been” so why bring this up at all? We both know you’re not going to leave your wife. You’re also well aware of my current state of mind, and how my personal life is in shambles. So thanks again for making me feel like I’ve missed out on something that could’ve been amazing. I really don’t need all these feelings coming back when I’m trying furiously to numb my perpetually broken heart.
Thank you so much for another heartbreak and making me fall (again) for yet another guy who is unavailable. If I believed in karma, I’d swear she has a dartboard with my picture on it. —Tin Girl
This article appears in Mar 31 – Apr 6, 2011.
That was awful for him to do, OP. He shouldn’t be professing feelings for anyone other than his wife. Don’t worry about what “might have” been… because you could be the person unwittingly attached to a douche who has feelings for someone else. That would feel even worse.
Drop him. Move on. Shove those feelings down and work to get your personal life out of shambles and try your hardest to be happy where you are every day.
Everything that ralmn said.
You’ve been moved from the friend zone to ‘presue & conquest’.
Don’t believe anything he says, and don’t get together with him (especially not for drinks), he’ll just try and talk your panties off.
Good luck and all the best in finding, a good man.
I agree with both Hugo and Ralmn. What he did was completely inappropriate, and I highly doubt that he is going to admit these “life long” feelings for you, and than drop it, never to be said again because he is a married man.
No op, he is testing you, he is playing the field. He wants to know what he can get away with around you.
Don’t touch that with a ten foot pole dude. And remember, no matter how tempting it is to do, whatever he is doing to his wife with you, and whomever else, he would do to you as well.
a) Let this be a lesson to all of you who post anonymous messages on The Coast’s site: if you love somebody, if you think somebody is beautiful, if you’d love nothing more than to go on a date – SAY IT! Risk it all!
b) I feel so bad for you that I wish I knew you so that we could walk directly to a pub
c) Hug
The guy was a jackass for treating you with so little consideration, OP. You deserve a hell of a lot better than that! Actually, you seem to have dodged a bullet! Massive hug & Kiss.
hmmmmmmm, let me get this straight…
lady is crushed and personal life in shambles… (self-described)
dude says she’s attractive and is definitely a person who can invoke strong feelings… has a great personality… and is a true friend (since they have been for so long)…
and she’s pissed?
isn’t it worth knowing you’re not undesirable and that things WILL get better and people will show interest?
or are you too blinded by the fact that it’s a person you’ve known a long time to realize that?
isn’t the thing people want to hear when they’ve been torn to shreds is that they’re actually really great and are loved?
you’re fucking nuts lady… and now I’m not so sure about some of these bitchers either…
If he was being a good friend, he really should have left the “feelings” aside. It’s not fair to his wife or to the girl in question. He should just have been a friend and been supportive and not given her the heart ache of thinking “what if” this far down the road.
She needs to get her life back together, not make it more complicated with feelings she thought she had tucked aside.
It’s unfair and painful of him. Trust me, there was an ulterior motive there… And if she thinks it’s cruel, isn’t that all that matters? Her feelings? There was absolutely NO reason for him to say those things to her, except for ulterior motives… (ego boost? lovin’s on the side?)
bullshit.
she wouldn’t believe it if he pulled the old, tired
“it’ll get better… you’ll find someone…. you’re an amazing person…”
that shit rolls off people faster than sebastian at a lesbian orgy.
and since when exactly is it wrong to tell the truth to friends?
He wasn’t TRYING to hurt her… he was TRYING to show her how great she is….
despite her being a bit melodramatic and psycho.
I guess you all can’t see the flip side of the coin for the desperation and whining.
OP here. Thanks for the support, guys. I really had to get that off my chest.
zZz: I’m not pissed off because he said that, I’m pissed off because he tells me this and he’s UNAVAILABLE. Instead of being with him, I get to be alone. Completely and utterly alone. The things he said to me actually made me cry in a he melted my frozen heart kind of way. I’m mad because he’s married and now it’s a situation of longing for someone I can’t have, which is, as far as I’m concerned, another heart break and the story of my life.
“isn’t it worth knowing you’re not undesirable and that things WILL get better and people will show interest?
or are you too blinded by the fact that it’s a person you’ve known a long time to realize that?”
No. I’m not blinded by the fact that it’s a person I’ve known for a long time. It’s the fact that I would’ve married this man in a heartbeat. It’s the fact that I’ve known him just as long as I’ve known most people, if not longer, it’s the things he said, the details, and knowing that we both missed out because neither of us said anything or picked up on the cues. And now he’s married and that fact is torture. I’ve already missed out on a potentially great relationship this past year because I just didn’t have the guts to say anything. And that’s hard enough, but this is just 10 times worse.
Imagine what it would be like to be married to Mr Insensitive. Don’t think of ‘what could have been’, you just got a little taste of what it would actually have been like. Not so much fun. No regard for your feelings. Only caring about his own. No great husband material, not even good friend material. No one wants to be the wife that everyone pities because her husband is not fully engaged in the marriage. Run, don’t walk, and be content knowing you are free to pursue something better.
And just to add: he didn’t tell me because of my broken heart. He told me because we hadn’t talked in a while and when he added me to facebook he said all those feelings came rushing back. He knew I was going through some tough stuff on the personal front, but he didn’t admit anything because of that. This was completely independent of that. I shared details of that after his admission to which his comment on that was “who WOULDN’T want to be with you?”… well, YOU obviously didn’t, because you married someone else.
Yep. Man, men have a messed up sense of reality sometimes. I was dating a guy like that once, he broke my heart, trying to make ME see sense by just talking, but his actions constantly told another story. It’s all about “your words mean nothing if your actions don’t haven’t and will never back them up”.
It’s painful. Good luck to you, tin girl. Be brave in the future and don’t let chances go by!
Sounds like date night between Liz May and Jackass Layton
ZzZ dude, it’s one thing to support and love a friend, it’s another thing to admit feelings to them and state how you wish things were different between you when he is fucking MARRIED!
“It’s not fair to his wife or to the girl in question.”QFT
And I’m sorry that it happened op, but I’m still on the stance that you douged
You know, maybe this guy telling OP, zed, what he thinks of her and how he feels about her a) reminds her that she’s alone. b) reminds her that she just had her heart smashed. c) doesn’t give her much hope that she won’t be alone for the rest of her life. I mean, if the only man interested in me was married to someone else… yeah that might sting just a little.
Just sayin’ 😉
oops, started typing that last comment, got distracted…forgot I hadn’t finished it and just clicked post.
What I meant to say there was that I still think that you dodged a bullet Op.
I.E.: OP obviously feels even more like shit than she already did.
Aren’t admissions of feelings supposed to make one the one receiving them feel good? Yup, exactly, and this obviously just made her feel sad 🙁
Maybe there’s trouble in paradise with the little wifey and he’s sad he missed out on something that could’ve been better? Lots of people don’t get it right the first time around.
well maybe I read it as I wished it was about a year ago…
still, I don’t think you made it very clear originally.
the clarification that he gushed for a stretch in making you yearn and weep is a little more thought-provoking.
serves me right,… the one time I think it’s a good thing and the guy’s a twat-chasing dick mitten. guess I’ll have to keep the cynicism turned up full blast from here on out.
I’d be pretty damn hurt if my husband had strong feelings for some other woman and actually went out and TOLD HER. I’d probably end up feeling like an undiserable piece of crap too.
“well maybe I read it as I wished it was about a year ago…”
does it get better, zZz? I’d like to hope that it does, but I’m not very optimistic.
Yeah, it’ll get better, mind you, it’ll probably get worse before it gets better, so be ready for that. Just take a time out from all this crap and spend time with yourself doing things you like to do. Can’t change the past, so you might as well focus on the future.
Just make yourself feel what you’re feeling. If you feel like being sad, be sad. If you feel like being mad and throwing things, be mad and throw things. Just let it all out and once you’re done, you’ll be able to put yourself back together again with a clearer head and heart.
@PK -Your husband does have feelings for someone else !
That’s why you’re still single, he married her instead ! !
OB, I’m onside with LS.
Plus if you were THAT head over heels you know, you would have
(you say you had plenty of time & opportunity) married this guy long before he got married, you should have said something , done something, anything except how you handled it.
As to him being insensitive possible, or he may have been just trying to make you feel better & sounds like he had no idea you cared that much about him.
He probably seen you as a close acquaintance, long time friend & seeing you as a lover never occurred to him, because he got no signal from you that you felt the same.
Plenty -O- fish in the sea, so go fishing, good luck .
well I don’t think I would condone throwing things…
better… worse… it’s all relative.
It’ll be different, and it sounds like you need a change of pace.
embrace change and DEFINITELY take up a hobby or activity…
that helped me out for sheezy.
speaking of… it’s days like these where it’s so close… that I long for chocolate lake to be swimmable again.
Thank you everyone. All of you did actually make me feel a bit better. It’s just so hard to get in the mindset that there are others out there. It’s daunting, actually. I feel like all my opportunities for meeting people have come and gone and I don’t know where to go from here. Plus there’s the piles of rejection one has to go through before finding someone that likes you as much as you like them. Some days I just feel like putting out that white flag and being alone forever. I don’t think my heart can take another break.
I’m sure I didn’t make you feel better, TG. LOL. My level of cynicism is at its peak these days.
But you bring up an excellent point: where DO people meet people around here. I’ve lived here all my life and haven’t the faintest clue. *facepalm*
Op just don’t f*ck with a married man. You know, 21st century bitches be crazy, liberated and shit. She’ll cut you.
Op he didn’t want you enough then, he doesn’t want you now. Read that, cry about it and move on. Harsh, yes but true. He’s insensitive for telling you that, now that he’s unavailable. I don’t get his thought process … I almost feel like it’s some self serving admission on his part. Why else would you tell someone that ESPECIALLY when you can’t act on it.
Also would I want my husband admitting his feelings about another woman to her? Yes, but only to me. He’s alive, he breathes and he feels. I would hope that the whole husband and wife thing would be where you could share any and everything. Now, this may point to trouble in paradise … or to just a big dick head. You’re better off alone.
Op this is where you have to become a little more self centered. Get involved in you and forget about him. Stop living in what could have and live in what was. Stop with all this regret crap. There are so many lovely men out there, inside and out, men who it seems the sun shines out their bum! Look for one of those. Not a sneaky trickster.
There are somethings we just have to live with. This is one of your things. Take that news and let it be. Do not act on it, do not ask him about it, do not ask her about it. Bear it. The end.
Hmmm…. tell me more about these men who have sun shining out of their bums, donk…. I sure as hell haven’t met any around here (well, I have, once, but, like OP, I pussied out and now it’s too late! Oh noes!).
He was drunk and just wanted a piece of ass because his wife hasn’t put out since those kids split her wide open in childbirth.
Agree with Donk.
And it DOES get better, of course it does! It’ll get easier, it’ll stop hurting so much, life goes on and you’ll still have friends and experiences and sunny days to enjoy life. So, you don’t have a man partner friend thing… but being a happy, confident, sunny person, comfortable with yourself guarantees you attract someone just like that.
Now this is coming from a married-too-young-with-a-selfish-x-husband-divorced-manipulated-by-married-man-finally broken free… and now happily dating a great guy who loves me for me and who fought against my bitterness and cynicism because he saw something good in me. Geez, the boy’s nuts, but I’m moving home to live with him in 2 weeks, so he’s determined! It took about 4 years to go from the 1st stage through all the other stages… but I’m so much more certain about myself now.
Trust me, it’s all learning experiences. and maybe it doesn’t always work out in the end, maybe I’ll have heart break again, but if nothing else, I’ve learned to appreciate the happy times too – relationships should be a day by day thankfulness that you have someone to share with. And if they leave, well, you still had all those happy times, right?
PK you just know. I think people don’t trust their instinct. This probably seems like some soothsayer shit but I’m gonna say it any way. All men/women can get there and many of are there. When they’re satisfied with themselves, and are good men. Upstanding, warm and understanding. You can see it written on their face. The same way women/other men will wear every one of her relationships on their face (after all you can’t drive a car around the world on the same tyres and not expect them to show wear).
Also LOVE THE ONES WHO LOVE YOU! Those people will NEVER leave you. You will have relationships and heartbreak, they will always be there. Often those are the people we are “meant” to be with. People will walk a million miles to “find the right one” without taking stock of what they actually have.
Now mind you, there are people who are not meant to be with anyone. I’d like to think of everyone as having a “tribe microsystem” where everyone in their life serves a purpose going with a tribe mentality. I do believe that I’m not meant to be with someone. As much as I would love children and a husband, I’ve come to terms with the fact that that may never happen, and it’s ok. I’m ok with loving in the moment and having many lovers along the way. After all that’s the stuff good books are made of, stories. Meh, I think people tend to over think life a little to much. It is what it is. My aim is to come into life freely, love without preconception and leave without a trail of damage behind me. I do not want to impose my imperfections onto anyone else.
I don’t even know where that was going, lol. In a typing mood today.
I think our hormones often fuck us over. You find someone you’re attracted to for whatever reason and you want to be with them. But, in getting to know them there are all these little red flags you brush off or rationalize. And then you end up with a douche drizzle who you eventually break up with and spend weeks or months in misery because they fucked you over so badly. And when you come out of THAT you’re kicking your own ass because if you had only paid attention to those red flags. It’s hard but sometimes you just have to take a step back, look at the person LOGICALLY and think with your head and not your heart.
I completely believe too, that you meet people by chance. For instance, just this morning I had a great conversation with a guy from one of the other offices who met while getting some info for my department. It’s not like I’m interested, but he’s cute and clearly smart and funny and very outgoing/friendly, and we actually have the same educational background, and it gave me hope that more of these people exist, especially in the most random places 😛
PK… I believe the hormones ,thing you mentioned is a very valid point.
WHich is why perfect strangers can meet just once & hit it off, right from the start.
Totally. And then once the “honeymoon” phase wears off and your hormones calm down you realize how little you really have in common. HOW many relationships end because of this? I’m guessing a fair bit.
don’t bther with a dartboard o.p., potions 101 for you. remember snow white? not for her, but him.or you could just suck it up. and what the fuck were you doing for those years that he had the hots for ya? were you dating other guys, or involved yourself?
see, it might not just be his fault, some of that blame shit comes back to you too. you had ample time to open your mouth, and maybe you did, but not for him, or to him. this is really a stupid bitch, not you, well maybe you too.
after some thought on this, i have conceded a bit. you had feelings for him for a long time, ditto for him to you. okay, that fact is apparent. now on with advice. he is now married, not to you, someone else. fine, let him be with someone else, don’t feel all guilty and shit. now him, he hstill has a thing for you, why didn’t he make it known, you said you knew each other a long time, what was it, 14 years? how long has he been married? why didn’t he say something long before then, and even before now?
all i see here for you is misery, for what might have been. don’t bother fantasing about you and him. piss on him, he fucked up and moved on. now i think you should just try to do the same.
there are people out there, that are good, and of course the various assholes. but to find a guy, that is willing to be with one female, very fucking rare tin girl.
if you want to meet people, come to our meet and greet, maybe you just might find a circle of people to care, and maybe even one special friend. as i’m sure all the guys here, are not involved, maybe you would get along. kitty, fill this lady in, will you lovey.
Take our lovely LS: up for anything, anytime!
You’re welcome for the plug LS.
Ooohhh… pretty purse, Donk.
😀
PK – you hit the nail on the head with the “red flag” comment. Ignoring those things throwing themselves naked and screaming through your head when spending time with someone in the initial phases of a relationship is why many of us get stuck with an airport full of baggage.
INSTINCTS, people! I consider myself ridiculously lucky that I found my SO after we’d both had time to get through the stage TG is at right now and find each other in relatively healthy places. We were “fixed” enough that we could help each other through whatever was left over.
And while life is far from perfect, having someone I adore to lean on when times are tough is a damned good place to be – especially when that someone is as much lover as friend.
Trust yourself, TG. I waited 20 years for mine, but that’s ‘cuz I was an idiot. You’ve got us bitches to help you out – it’ll happen much sooner for you. 😉
Sometimes what’s best for us isn’t really what we WANT. That’s why we ignore those little red flags. It’s much easier to give in to our desires than go down the smart path, especially since often times the smart path is a tough road. Ultimately better in the end, but we’re a society of instant gratification. We want what pleases us NOW and worry about the consequences later. Kind of like a culture of debt: buy now, pay later. Except the debt is the consequences we suffer from giving in now. We’ll almost always end up paying later.
I had a prof years back who said that the world would be a much better place if genitals were detachable and everyone just left them at home when they left for the day. heh. I’m beginning to buy into this theory 😛
For some reason this bitch and the comments have my hormones all over the place and I’m crying and pissed at the same time reading this. My poor BF is going to have to come home to a pissed off pregnant girlfriend once again because my hormones got the worst of me..and they have now conjured up a “what-if” situation in my head of drama. Thanks hormones…thanks.
True dat, PK.
And in addition to the whole “instant gratification”, we often ignore everything around us (ipods on the bus instead of conversations with potentially interesting seatmates, walking & texting).
Maybe if we looked up from ourselves and what we “want” “right now”, we might find something we “need” instead that provides long-term gratification?
You’re not making pregnancy sound very attractive, Chicky! lol
Should add my two cents to this. As a man i see things as most if not all men are con artists, we will try to do anything to get you in to bed, just some of us have a brain and will think with it rather than the dick. Ive seen this so many times the guy uses the oh i had feelings for you when he doesnt or he might have but he just wants a nice fuck buddy he can mess with while his wife is boring.
as i said in the above bitch, if you want extra nooky, and in a relationship. just end the ship, and be single, and then fuck your brains out. some guys, not all, think with their little brain, not the one in skulls.
thanks Anglo.. way to further a stereotype…
and I’m assuming you’re conveniently in the brain-using crowd as well?
real nice.
That’s a pretty depressing thought, Anglo 🙁
Doesn’t really sway me from my current “men can’t be trusted” mind set, either.
I had this situation happen to me about a month or so ago. We had made contact by chance after a few years of not seeing each other. We were talking about growing up and elementary(lol)/jr high/high school/university and what we were up to now and I found out he had feelings for me back then and that there’s still a twinge of feelings there when he saw me/talked to me, and I certainly would’ve dated him if he had let them known… well. maybe in university. I was in no shape, self esteem-wise, to date anyone in HS. LOL. In any event, it wasn’t a big deal such as this, it was more of a “aww really? aw well” type of thing. He’s happily married now to a gorgeous, sweet lady and I know he’d never step out on her (he’s not that kinda guy: he’s kind and decent and caring and the most understanding guy on the planet — which is what I’ve always loved about him most).
Speaking of high school, though. I’ve seen two guys from high school around hfx in the past couple weeks who were kinda fugly but sorta cute and MY GOD did they grow up well. HOTTIES++. Meanwhile, a lot of the people who were considered “hot” in high school look like old hacks now. I know I’m definitely more attractive now (and I’ve been told I’ve aged well :P)… it’s funny how that is, isn’t it? Like the geek in high school who’s tormented ends up being a millionaire. heehee
you ever wonder where stereotypes come from? Yes its depressing and no i am not perfect and have thought with my dick a lot of times. The way you wrote that was patronising and i just hope that it was the way i read it rather than the way it was wrote.
People can choose to follow stereotypes, or go against them.
I choose to go against them 😀 (At least try)
Also, going to get razzed on hardcore for this one I’m sure, but I think if you are dating an asshole, at least deep down inside, you are going to know that you are dating an asshole.
No you’re not going to get ragged on. Um, yeah.
Please, I was hot in high school and I’m still hot now. I don’t quit. Heh.
*sarcasm whale, thar she blows*