Let me paint you a bleak picture… while waiting in line for coffee, I, along with all those in line, notice a lady obviously being stupid and neglectful by dropping her coffee while collecting her buttery bagel or buttery breakfast sandwich or buttery treat (with extra butter). Embarrassed, she scoops it up and high-tails it out of the shop. Smooth move ex-lax. Then this Captain McDouchey Canuck steps out of line to defend us all and retrieves a ‘slippery when wet’ sign to place around said coffee spill. He places it ever so gingerly and gets back in line. I suppose he did so as if we weren’t going to notice a puddle of coffee on a LIGHT BLUE, tile floor. The world is saved! Douche. The lady being served in line immediately turns right and steps directly in said puddle! I know I was momentarily stunned… but this woman has obviously been stunned for much, much longer. I’m thinking birth… or soon thereafter. A sigh could not be loud enough.
Trying not to lose faith in humanity, I order my coffee and surprisingly I am successful! No spills, accidents, or super-villains getting in the way…. my world was slowly being restored until…
I turn to leave and notice it’s been mopped up! Excellent, except now the attendant is putting yet another ‘slippery when wet’ sign. Another one… two signs, one after the other. I’m not sure if it’s for the skeptical people who think the shop is lying to them and they blatantly refuse to believe the first one or some sort of subliminal messaging. I don’t know. All I know is that it was completely useless and I hope you enjoyed burning those 3 calories it took to place it there.
Debating going home because I’ve obviously awoken in bizarro world, I head up to go to work when what do I see? A ‘slippery when wet’ sign on the carpet.
Brawndo is obviously in the drinking water because my bed is a newly discovered time machine! I’ve awoken well into the future where the morons that keep popping out multiple idiot children have definitely taken over. —Thiz iZ for realz
This article appears in Mar 3-9, 2011.
They have to put the signs up or they risk being sued.
This thread reeks of idiots trying to sound intelligent. Wouldn’t be surprised if the OP is sebastian.
The OP is zed, fat. Jesus, get a clue and read the handle.
I do have to say, though, as much as I do like ya, z3, this bitch is kind of lame.
I mean, I can see how it’s dumb to put a “slippery when wet” sign on the carpet….but I just don’t see how that or anything else in here is worthy of a novel-length bitch.
Best part of the entire bitch was mention of that buttery bagel or sandwich or buttery treat. Mmm. I could use one of those right now!
Sebastian could never have posted this because this has not yet been reported in the news and therefore it could never have happened to him.
NGF… I am laughing profusely at your proclamation that “this thread reeks of idiots trying to sound intelligent. “I am also looking forward to just HOW you will be recanting that statement should you choose to do so….. although perhaps you will not and stand by your belief that Zed is an idiot trying to sound intelligent. Either way, I’ll enjoy this.
I didn’t read it all and thought it was some freaking long story and I gave up after a handful of words. Get over it.
I like Zed’s posts but didn’t read between the lines. When I saw the alliteration of Zs I thought it was a local artist changing words around to keep the FBI/CIA/Homeland Security off their backs.
By the way….. the key points in this bitch were as follows:
1. Evolution has failed the lady in that she can’t perform a simple task by collecting a pre-wrapped sandwich whilst holding on to her coffee….. yay for opposable thumbs!
2. Self-awareness is not one of the second lady’s strong points as she clumsily proceeded to step in the very puddle that was created just seconds before, despite the presence of a yellow “Caution/AttentionAchtung/Cuidado” sign.
3. While liability guidelines have caused the need for an employee to mop up the puddle, he has taken the time and made the effort to place a rather redundant SECOND sign next to the sign originally placed by Captain McDouchey Canucks. The only conclusions I can draw from this is that either the first sign didn’t count because it wasn’t placed by an employee, or the first sign was left as a monument by which to remember that poor coffee that gave its life in the name of stupidity.
I kind of enjoyed reading this, although it was certainly FAR too much reading AND typing for such a stupidly random act of gommickery.
OP, I’d say you’re a Double Douche. Your sense of superiority and smugness would make me want to clock you with that fucking sign.
zZz, drink your coffee. Now. The world will right itself within minutes.
Well, you certainly read enough of it to draw such an insightful conclusion surrounding the OP. And why do people bother commenting on bitches they don’t thoroughly read?
And I am clearly confused as to why any US Federal Bureaus/Agencies/Departments would be involved in any way.
Hay, now, give ol’ zed a break, guys. If we had to be at work as early as he does we’d probably be a little persnickety too. I really don’t know how he and jonno do it day in and day out…*hugs*, guys.
Anyway, people are idiots, sure, but if we all wrote novel-length bitches every time people did something stupid as FUCK…well let’s just say there’d be more of those than bus bitches.
heh.
I think the majority of that bitch was exaggerated bullshit, until other witnesses can be found i’ll take it as that.
I’m sorry but the line: ‘a lady obviously being stupid and neglectful by dropping her coffee while collecting her buttery bagel’ is pretty fucking unfair. For all you know, something shitty could be happening in her life or maybe she’s just clumsy but calling her stupid and neglectful is over the top.
Gosh, Jonno, did I step on a toe or something? Yeesh, you’re going on as if I insulted you or you’re in love with the guy. I get it; it’s my homey zZz aight. I gave up after ‘coffee’ since I don’t drink the shit.
It’s a liability issue, OBVIOUSLY.
Can’t we all just get along, guys?
@TTFN: I’ve been there…I’m clumsy to the extreme sometimes….
what the hell are you talk’n bout op ?
How many lawsuits will it take to have coffee shops add “Liquid MAY be HOT” to their slippery when wet signs.? >; )
I’m going to create signs that say that, Ivan. Thanks for the idea. Now when someone slips on hot coffee and sues the shops will have to buy the signs from me.
Gotdangit! I gotta start copywritin’ these ideas before postin’ on the interwebz. >: (
It doesn’t matter. Either way sebastian will try and sue us for copyright somehow then call the judge homophobic when his case is thrown out.
Boring.
“Let me paint you a bleak picture… while waiting in line for coffee”
Real bleak
LOLz – he’d better have a good lawyer, that’s all I can say.
http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_jJzwyDBFIsg/SZZW…
agree with TTFN very harsh indeed.
After reading this I now know where the origin of the word TRIVIAL came from.
Another ironic bitch?
Could be Hugo but i fail to see the irony.
I agree- They do have to put up the signs in order not to get sued. Buddy was just doing their job by putting up the sign.
LOL OP…..glad your adventure went well. Some of those mindless fat fucks in line don’t even know they are alive. It’s a shame she didn’t spill the coffee on herself….that would have been entertaining.
lol The 3 z’s are obvious, aren’t they?
Aw FUCK, now you have to go wash your brain out with cyanide, zed…. I mean you got that used tampon, sebastard, agreeing with your bitch.
If it were me, I’d feel REALLY dirty right now. 🙁
Sebig Crybabystian is bringing out the big guns, fellas.
Anglo, it’s the dream-state writing and the dramatization of the mundane, that makes me hope zZz’s being ironic. A statement on the bitches of late, maybe.
I get to work plenty early… so I have time to kill before I do any work… that’s why it was as long as it was.
I just couldn’t believe it when a non-employee goes and gets a sign.. then once mopped up, they have 2 fucking signs. like //. I ‘get’ putting one… expectantly placed from an actual employee though.. but two, in a high-traffic coffee shop where space is at a premium…. just blatantly ridiculous.
and the one on the carpet really just was the cyanide-laced icing frosting my cupcakes.
This wasn’t really about the lady being stupid and spilling her coffee… shit happens… it was more about how we’re soon going to need to bubble-wrap the whole god damn world. I’ve been dealing with obvious stupidity for far too long and it’s apparently getting to me. I must admit, I wasn’t in the best of moods this morning so seeing this transpire, I was in quite the cynic. I was nit-picking the world… still am.
Y’all can get bent.
Although I agree with most people here, that stores have to be uber careful so they don’t get sued, there are some days when I’m so disgusted and fed up with pretty much all people, that a small thing such as this can completely set me off 2 tha x-treme. If people weren’t so stupid all the time, I wouldn’t have to get so angry all the time :)! I feel ya Zzzzeddy
I enjoyed the reading heartily.
“cyanide-laced icing frosting my cupcakes”
“Y’all can get bent.”
…well. I can see I’ve left my mark with the bitchers of LTWWB.
Stop using my werdz, chump!
Also: feelin’ better, zed? It makes me a sad apple when others are sad apples! 🙁
I think you’re just having a bad day/week/month and EVERY little thing is driving you crazy. I’m very clumsy….. so I sympathize with the woman. But I understand with Z too…when I’m having a bad day my blood pressure rises if my sandwich at lunch is prepared wrong…like lump in my throat mad.
“…and that makes me a sad panda.”
http://www.yourfunnystuff.com/wp-content/u…
..yea op .you should write an emo song about all this bleakness in your world ..”i was looking for a coffee..so I got a coffee..and heaven knows i’m miserable now..” (i actually like morrissey) 🙂
i like how soon is now, reminds me of my saturday nights. Come to think about it, it really is obvious now, enjoyed the bleakness in the dark coffee and the self harm with the food choices and spilling it to create further harm, also harm of those around her, which one person with suicidal tendencies attempting to fall on the freshly spilled darkness. Trying to create a hazard on the carpet however is just desperation.
GAWD I’m with ya there, RC. Except instead of getting mad I start crying — someone could look at me sideways when I’m having a rough time and even though the serious shit did nothing but exhaust me, the sideways look makes me breakdown and sob and sob and sob.
my theme songs: skinny puppy: smothered hope, the smiths: the boy with the thorn in his side; the stranglers: skin deep
http://www.yourfunnystuff.com/wp-content/u…
oh crap. I got a network error so I thought the link didn’t post;
oh well, now I really do look like a lunatic.
Nah – just old and doddery *narf*
Just stirring the pot ‘Fat! I wouldn’t dis on another Caper in these forums son! Although I am heading home tomorrow and I find I always get a little bitter in the final few days before my trips. Not because I dread the trip itself, but because I realize that it’s been THAT long since I’ve been. Can only go so many days without seeing the little one.
That said, I recant everything now that Sebastard is involved on the “PRO” team.
Aww ^^^ that made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside 🙂 I like it when everyone gets along! Group hug? teehee
Who says I am trying to get along? Anyone who tries to put their dirty, imbecilic paws around me will have something coming to them! I don’t do nothing in groups unless it is a group of cheerleaders and I am their practice mat.
I know, jonno, I just kept feeding the fire too for fun. If sebastupid is on the PRO team his mom should have exercised PRO CHOICE.
like // … Lol nice visual
What’s with the hostility, jonno 🙁
It makes me really sad *sniff*
For realz!
What’s a donk anyway?
yeah, it got the point across how stupid it was, Donk.
and jonno, et all…
Stop what you’re doing… hit ctrl-t, google image search “donk” for some bad assedness…
Like a dink but fatter probably.
that donk is re-donk!
http://thecarloos.files.wordpress.com/2009…
Used to be parasailing donkey, until we collectively decided that I was too fabulous (obviously) for such a name. but alas, I had grown attached to the name and to be honest rebranding is such a tedious task that I chose to stay with donk. From Donk to Donk 2: electric boogaloo (courtesy of Ivan), in the unfortunate login debacle of oh 10. I also try To keep the mystery alive by varying the name every so often.
Can you tell … I’m bored. Haha
HOLY. FUCKING. SHIT.
http://www.ridelust.com/wp-content/uploads…
Why y’all blowing up my spot?! Haters gonna hate.
My wheels are sweet, that’s true. I roll in a hybris to Dal every day, with the b!tches in the back, don’t mess wif me mf-ers.
Ha… a parasailing donkey.
OK- HAHAHA… even better. The first three results in a google image search for parasailing donkey (large images) are an actual parasailing donkey, a cartoon of a parasailing donkey and Lindsay Lohan’s mugshot.
Donk……. you have been outed!
BTW Donk… if you ARE Lindsay Lohan…. we should seriously hook up. I have been after you for a while now.
UGH
UGH
UGH.
*headblowsup*
donksayswut????
Lolzzz, Jonno sorry to disappoint but I’m not LiLo.
*Le sigh*
“What’s a donk anyway?”
http://totalwastas.webs.com/CHOPPER.gif
Showing your age Hugo. >; ). Of course, recognizing the movie means that I’m showing mine.
Donk…I think you’re awesome….you always make me laugh lately….maybe it’s because I always read your posts in an accent. And half the time I picture you a dude….I don’t know why…sorry.
LOL, RC
http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-PqhzmgXFaNo/TVgX…
OK, 26″ eh. I think someone is dreaming. LOL.
^.^ Merci RC. If the funny accent makes you and the little peanut you’re brewing happy, then it’s alright with me!
Damn, that should have read “PK”, not “OK”.
i won’t call your bitch stupid zzz, but i will say it was a tad over inane. yeah, accidents do happen. that’s why they are called that, and was probly too embarassed to hang around any longer. and yes bud, that bitch was a mite too long over something so minor.
zZz, wasn’t being ironic…poop. In that case, zZz, you can’t expect anyting from the morning zombies befor they get their THC.
Donk – are you changing your avatar everytime you post?
A girl is entitled to change her mind … and her display picture … multiple times.
Is that your puppeh?
Chortle, Donk. It’s just that you’ve changed av’s lots lately, thought that you might be staring a new trend ;p
Yes, that’s my boy (last month)… a dog named Blue 🙂
That is one happy looking hound Hugo. And you are a good photographer. Keep using your snaps for avs. You got a growing fan base hereabouts.
Thanks Ivan, I’ll do that. Less than 1% of my photos are worth keeping ;( that’s why I take so many.
Blue isn’t big on swimming, but he loves the water, even when it freezes on him 🙂
Hahaha… I remember when I was living in BC, I went to a Tim Hortons (half tanked) and spilled my coffee all over myself, and the floor… I bumbled around, felt bad, told the staff what had happened, and stole as many napkins as possible trying to clean up the mess I caused…
I wonder why they gave me a free replacement coffee?