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Thursday, December 25, 2014

Christmas candy, ranked

How should you rot your teeth? Let me count the ways.

Posted By on Thu, Dec 25, 2014 at 12:00 PM

A helpful tool for prioritizing, whether you've just dumped out your stocking or are plotting your shopping list for post-holiday drug store candy sales.

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1. Icy squares
What is going on here that makes these foil-wrapped pieces of crack so melt-in-your-mouth buttery? Lots of edible oil products? Poison? Who cares! I would spread these on toast, hell, I'd use them as toothpaste if that were an OK thing to do. Thank you Germany, for the best invention since the coffee filter.

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2. Ferrero Rocher
These sexy Italian chocolate nesting dolls—filled with a hazelnut inside hazelnut cream inside a little wafer shell—really do it for anyone who's into texture or delicious things. Ferrero Rochers are kind of like if Gushers except classier and dairy based, and anything with a surprise filling wins.

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3. Toblerone
A small version of the Swiss Alps in chocolate-nougat form. If this represented real life at all, my dream job would be working as a guide on this mountain range, but it's not, so my dream is to receive the massive 4.5 kilogram version of this bar.

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4. Lindt Lindor
Because Swiss Chalet is never wrong, and if something's good enough to be paired with a Festive Special, it's A-OK in my books. Yet another chapter in my upcoming thesis on how many things the Swiss do right.

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5. Toffifee
Best name, best nutty surprise, easiest to eat the entire tray without noticing. I'm really into boxes of chocolate that only have one layer because I can keep my curiousity at bay (my aunt recently scolded me for skipping to layer two before finishing layer one). Toffifee keeps it simple, chewy, chocolatey and addictive. And it's a really fun word to say.

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6. Quality Street
If you're hating on Quality Street it's probably because by the time you've gotten to the tin, it's after it's been raided of the good stuff and only the royal blue wrappers (AKA the coconut ones) remain. But think about the strawberry delight, the toffee penny, the green triangle thing —it is quality, man.

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7. Terry's Chocolate Orange
This very British fruit shaped chocolate is actually made in Poland. The citrus-meets-sweet isn't a blend for everyone (apparently there was a Chocolate Lemon at one point in the '70s too, which failed) but if you dig it, what's not to love about these heavy, edible weapons? Whack and unwrap a Terry's to take out your "I've been spending too much time with my family" rage.

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8. Clementines
Nature's candy is the biggest canker-sore-causer there is, but thank god for the wooden boxes of tiny oranges, they might just be the only thing standing between you a case of holiday scurvy.

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9. Chicken Bones
Before we get to what's good about these things, may I rhetorically ask why anyone would model a sweet after the innards of a bird? Replacing the marrow part with chocolate doesn't make it less gross to think about, Ganong. True, cinnamon and chocolate make a great match and despite the whole chocolate marrow thing, these do taste good. But they'll slice and dice the inside of your cheeks if you aren't careful. Dissolving one of these in your mouth is basically like sucking on a pink Lady Bic.

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10. Candy canes
This is what desperation tastes like—peppermint. The traditional striped shepherd's hooks are often left behind, broken and crumbly, but will do the trick in a post-holiday sugar crash.

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11. Barley candy
Also known as barley toys AKA clear toys AKA the stickiest, worst idea for toys ever, barley candy should rank higher for me based on nostalgia alone. But aside from the cute factor, and all of those childhood memories, in comparison to most things on this list these festively shaped treats are kind of like when my mom would trick me into believing plain yogurt with a drizzle of maple syrup was dessert I should be excited about. Looking to these for a candy fix is a lot like desperately eating Baker's chocolate to try and satisfy your need for sweet.

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12. Humbugs
These waxy, striped hard candies win Most Likely To Be On Your Grannie's Coffee Table, but they're also most likely to be coated in a unintentional gummy layer because they're rejects from Christmases past being re-gifted. Only a sucker like Scrooge would like these sad excuses for festive treats.

What's YOUR favourite holiday candy? Let's discuss in the comments.

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