You gotta make the move

Q I’m a 20-year-old girl, and I’ve been dating my boyfriend, who is
23, for two years. From the get-go, he has known that I am bi, and like
most straight guys, he’s happy to be with a girl who likes girls. The
thing is, I am too shy to go out and hit on a girl. Getting a man was
the easy part, but getting a girl who is willing to fuck around not
only with me but also with my boyfriend is a daunting task. I encourage
my boyfriend to talk to women since he is good eye candy. But I get
kinda sorta jealous when he actually goes and talks to other women.
It’s a weird game that gives me a headache. All I want is to satisfy my
cravings for a woman—is that too much to ask? Am I just being
selfish? Why can’t girls just appear in my bedroom? –Crazy About Girls
Eternally

A Because you’re not Logan, CAGE, and there’s no such thing as the
Circuit (tinyurl.com/cfj89d)—not yet,
anyway, even if the internet kinda sorta comes close.

If watching your boyfriend hit on girls gives you a headache and
makes you jealous, then you’re going to have to learn to hit on girls
yourself, CAGE, either in person or online. And you might have more
success landing a willing bisexual girl—a girl who’s interested in
you and your boyfriend—if you made the passes.

Nice, sexually adventurous girls approached by 23-year-old pieces of
male eye candy about two-girls/one-guy threesomes will assume that it’s
about Eye Candy’s fantasies, not the girlfriend’s. And if you’re
hanging back, looking uncomfortable, jealous and headachy, even a girl
who might be up for a threesome is going to read reluctance into your
demeanour, presume your boyfriend is pressuring you and politely
decline. Or she’s going to think you have the swine flu and
decline.

If you want pussy, CAGE, you’ll have to take the lead. Remember:
It’s OK to be geeky and inept and awkward when you’re hitting on
someone; some people think it’s cute, and smooth is overrated when it
comes to making passes. (Your boyfriend sounds pretty smooth—what has
it gotten you?) Practice a few cheesy lines, something direct and
truthful, something along the lines of, “We think you’re really hot,
and we’ve always wanted to have a threesome”—and just blurt it out at
the next pretty, flirty girl who crosses your paths. If you can’t do
that, post personal ads online and flirt via email. There are a lot of
couples online looking for thirds, CAGE, and you’ll increase your odds
of success if you offer to be a couple’s third in exchange for the
woman in the couple taking a turn as the third for you and your
boyfriend.

Of course, that might make your boyfriend jealous—but it’s his
turn, right?

Q I’m a straight female in her early 20s, currently engaged to a
handsome man three years older. We’re very happy and we have a strong,
healthy relationship, but lately I’ve been worried about one question:
Considering my limited previous sexual experience (before him, it was
oral only), is it still possible to have a long, enjoyable sex life
with him? I’ve gotten some (well-intentioned, I’m sure) advice that
suggests that we are both making mistakes. I can’t have a satisfying
sex life without being able to compare him to anyone else, I’m told,
and he’s making a huge mistake by pairing up with a less experienced
partner. I hope that the individuals telling me this are wrong. I have
absolutely zero interest in opening up this relationship, and I do my
best to be GGG. He says I’m a great lover and a lot more confident in
bed now compared to when we first made love, but I want to improve.
Still, I don’t want to find out down the road that we made a mistake.
–Negligible Experience With Boning

A Are you happy? Is he happy? That’s all that matters. Just keep
those lines of communication open, NEWB, while you continue to explore
your sexualities together. And remind yourself every once in awhile
that the less-experienced partner in a relationship is allowed to have
likes and dislikes, offer constructive criticisms and make suggestions
and demands. And anyone who is being GGG for her partner has every
right to expect GGG from her partner.

Finally, tell the “friends” who are offering you such unhelpful
advice—tell those underminers—to go fuck themselves. Some people
need to sleep around a bit before they realize what they like and whom
they want. That’s not the case for everyone. And there are plenty of
men and women out there in miserable, sexually dysfunctional marriages
who met after both had plenty of experience.

Q My niece is 14, and the other day I met her boyfriend. He’s a
sweet boy, with double-pierced ears and amazing fashion sense. My niece
fell for him when she saw him sporting a pink jacket at school. As a
middle-aged homosexual myself, I can spot a proto-queer a mile away.
Needless to say, my sister loves the boy—he’s a perfect gentleman.
I’m inclined to let it be. They’re only 14; what harm could it do? Then
I worry, what if this goes on for years? I don’t want her to get hurt.
Then again, this boy could just grow up to be a Felix Unger-type
heterosexual. Advice? —A Caring Loving Uncle

A It’s comforting to think that your niece is safe with this boy,
seeing as he’s a perfect little gentleman now and likely to be a
perfect little pillow-chomping bottom when he grows up. But a study
conducted by the University of British Columbia found that gay and
lesbian youth—closeted or otherwise—were more likely to get
pregnant/impregnate than their straight peers. Because nothing says
“I’M NOT GAY!” like a knocked-up 14-year-old girlfriend.

So here’s what I’d do if I were you, ACLU: Pull the boy aside for a
chat. Begin with, “You seem like a nice kid,” and then let him have it:
“But if you get my niece pregnant, I will kill you.” Now pay attention
to what comes next: “I’d rather you didn’t fuck her—she’s 14, so are
you—but if you need condoms or advice about anything, don’t hesitate
to ask. I won’t repeat anything you ask me about to my sister. And
don’t think I won’t kick your ass just because I’m gay. I can and I
will. Oh, and love the jacket—where did you get it?”

The boy will emerge from this harrowing chat aware that his girlfriend has potentially violent family members who are watching out for her—something all 14-year-old boyfriends should be made aware of—and that he can confide in you, the involved gay uncle, privately and about anything. It’s unlikely that he’ll seize the opportunity to come out to you, ACLU, and it’s important that you accept the premise of his heterosexuality (however improbable it might seem) before, during and after your talk. You’ll be nudging him in the direction of coming out to someone, at some point, by setting an example, ACLU, while decreasing the odds that he will do real and lasting harm—read: teen pregnancy—to your niece.

As for breaking her heart, well…you can’t protect her from that, and you shouldn’t bother to try. That’s what comes with being 14.

This article appears in Nov 5-11, 2009.