Q I am a 28-year-old post-op transsexual woman. I met a great 31-year-old guy. We have been dating for a year and he recently told me that he didn’t think he was sure he was in love with me. He said that he didn’t know if he could give me any sort of commitment, that he is afraid of what his peers would think if they knew my medical past. I can’t say I’m sure I’m in love with him either, but I know that we thoroughly enjoy each other’s company and miss each other when we are not together. However, he asked to take a step back and re-evaluate the relationship.
I transitioned in my late teenage years. I blend in very well and few people know that I am trans. I am like any other woman in that I want a husband and children, and he says he wants a wife and kids. I asked him a few days ago if he could give me an answer as to whether I should move on or if he wanted me to wait. He couldn’t give me an answer. I have my own life. I am a full-time student training to become a nurse. I made time for him because he became important to me, but am I beating a dead horse here? –Transitions And Crossroads
A You enjoy spending time together, you miss each other when you’re apart, you want similar things (commitment, kids)—that sure sounds like love to me. And if it’s not quite love, TAC, it’s close enough to round up to love.
A (longish) aside: The way many people in long-term relationships talk about their relationships—the way I sometimes talk about mine—can do a real disservice to the single and/or dating. The further the early stages of an LTR recede into the past, the likelier the coupled are to blithely toss off bullshit like “Oh, I knew the minute I met him/her that he/she was the one. I was sure.” In reality, of course, we didn’t know, we weren’t sure, we had doubts, insecurities, issues, et cetera.
Truth is, no one in a successful LTR knew for sure that it was true and lasting love until it lasted. And after the passage of time proves that we bet on the right person, we stuff those early doubts, insecurities and issues down the ol’ memory hole and start telling people how “sure” we were right from the start. (For the record: There are lots of smug married people out there yammering on about how “sure” they were right from the start who have divorce proceedings in their futures.)
Anyway: There are too many smugly coupled-up people out there paying our partners—and ourselves—the false compliment of a backdated certainty. And that would be fine if single people within earshot weren’t forced to listen to our smug bullshit, some of whom go home thinking, “Well, this person I’m seeing—this person I enjoy spending time with, this person I miss terribly when we’re apart—she must not be ‘the one’ because…I’m not sure.”
Back to you, TAC: I’m glad you have a life and goals, TAC, because that will make it easier to do what you must. Go and tell this guy that there are no sure things, but that you’re as confident as a person can be that you two are a match. (But he’s not your only potential match—just as no one is really “sure,” no one is “the one,” only one of many potential possible ones.) Then tell him you’re not going to wait forever while he “re-evaluates” and stresses out about things that neither of you can control. And finish by telling him to give you a call when he’s ready to make at least a mini-commitment: going steady, on a track toward engagement and ultimately marriage and (adopted) children.
Then—and this is the most important part—go back to living your life, TAC, go back to school and career goals. Move on without waiting for him to tell you to move on. Don’t call him, don’t email him, don’t text him. Don’t pass up other dating opportunities in the hopes that he’ll get his shit together. If you’re still single if and when he calls, great. See him again. If not, well, it’s his loss.
Q I’m a 20-something freelancer and I have a barter relationship with a facility that lets me work there for free. I’ve become friends with the guys who run the facility. Recently, one of my girlfriend’s best friends had sex with one of these guys a few times. I recently found out that one time, post-coitus, he secretly filmed my girlfriend’s friend naked using his phone. He’s shown the video to a few mutual friends but didn’t tell me or show me.
I think this is some super-vile shit and I’m horrified that someone I considered a friend would be such an asshole. I’d like to tell him how I feel about this, but at the same time, I can’t afford for my relationship with him to sour. I’ve heard that he deleted the video, so maybe what my girlfriend’s friend doesn’t know can’t hurt her. One potentially pertinent piece of information is that my girlfriend’s first sex partner secretly filmed her and showed it to everyone in her high school, and it scarred her. I think she would be SUPER upset to find out about what this guy did to her friend. I want to do the right thing here, but it’s not obvious what that is. Help! —Video Is Defining Ethical Obligations
A What your friend did to your girlfriend’s friend is vile, VIDEO, potentially illegal and—most importantly—not a very nice way to treat someone who was kind enough to fuck his brains out.
You do have to do something, VIDEO, but your options aren’t limited to either beating him nearly to death with a baseball bat or beating him all the way to death with a baseball bat. It’s possible to confront someone in a friendly-ish way, employing a tone that at once communicates your affections for him even as you chide him for doing something that undermined those affections.
“Dude, I heard about that little video,” you say to him, perhaps over a drink. “And I was glad to hear you deleted it—you did delete it, right?—because that’s a shitty thing to do and you’re not a shitty guy. It’s also an illegal thing to do and people have gotten busted for doing that kind of shit. Be careful, man, you could really fuck up your life.”
If you can tamp down your righteous fury long enough to put it to him that way, VIDEO, you will have reinforced what should be community- and species-wide social norms—no dirty pictures or videos without the consent of all involved—without nuking your professional relationship with the guy. Good luck.
This article appears in May 6-12, 2010.
Taping someone without their consent or knowledge pre/during/post sex is sick, really sick because it’s not about personal use. Especially in this technological day and age. No, it’s this deep, dark, physiologically messed up mindfuck that only sad men could have dreamt up.
They take something so beautiful, so pure and the trust that went alongside and twist it into this sick creature. Showing it to friends, whoever, anonymously. Audiovisual proof of their conquest to be used for an assortment of things, but never will it plug the holes they must have in their heart, mind and soul.
hello rifinedsugar. I must admit , I had a bit of a grin when I read your comment. It’s rather quaint . Your description of a shag as “so beautiful, so pure”( so Jane Austen) makes me wonder if you have ever actually rutted like the rest of us.
here is my take: anyone in 2010 who does the dirty with someone they do not know that well ( and I mean stealing horses well) should realise that there is a good chance that the whole thing might turn into a B movie. Here is why: a) there are probably a billion cameras out there today and their number keeps growing; b) the concept of privacy is vanishing at an astounding rate . It is quite possible that the whole idea might vanish in one or two generations. c) people share everything these days. Why not their mating rituals (it’s somewhat more interesting then those fucking baby pictures all over FB).
In other words, relax a bit. Stop being such an uptight , judgmental provincial twerp. While I personally don’t see the mating habits of the homo sapien as particularly interesting anymore (it does get a bit repetitive after a decade or two) , the whole filming thing as a natural extension of humans interacting with their technology. Soon, very soon, a sex tape will be what a passport picture is today: a slightly goofy, ever so mildly amusing , but not particular interesting part of our reality.
As far as vices go, sex is pure. It can be beautiful. Dirty, clean, whatever you like.
I’m not waxing poetically here. You disagree, you’re jaded. I get that.
Maybe you don’t value your privacy, feel it’s overrated, you’re in touch with the digital age, interact. Fine, bravo. Continue riding that cusp of reality where taping sex partners unbeknownst to them is clean, good fun. This isn’t consensual celebrity sex tapes of the rich and famous, Strikes. Someone you know or a complete stranger. Its a breach of trust. A concept you don’t seem to understand.
@Strikes:
Dude what the fuck is wrong with you. I’m with refinedsugar on this one.
Taping with consent is totally fine, but without consent, I don’t give a shit how extreme it sounds, but IMO it’s up there with rape.
It’s fucked up and sick, and if you do or think it is alright to do it, then dude I you need to re think some shit.
I’m curious if Strikes would be as relaxed and chill if he discovered his teenage daughter was an unwilling B-Movie star interacting, against her knowledge, with technology?
Strange that someone who values privacy so little doesn’t post a photo of themselves…Strikes – how about a great naked photo?
I didn’t think so.
Instead, you’re just one of those people that waits for someone to post a comment so that you can take the direct opposite position on the issue. Lame…get a real opinion.
To clarify. Once my daughter will reach teenage hood in a decade or so , here is what i will tell her:
1) Videotaping someone else while mating is a breach of privacy and trust. Don’t do it. But, given technological and anthropological realities, you may trust that your privacy might well be breached if you mate with someone casually (or non casually with someone under 18) .
2) If you happen to get caught on tape, don’t worry about it. Virtually everyone around you will have a sex tape floating about somewhere.It sucks but it’s no big deal. relax.
Happy chick. Ad hominem arguments are a sign of weakness . Your picture argument was also fallacious ( or would you prefer the term “lame” ) as the explanation is very simple: I am too lazy to put one on. (the coast should follow the rest of the web and let you log-in with your FB accounts).
Anyway, happy beautiful and pure rutting everyone…but before you do, check all the potted plants for tiny cameras. Also be suspicious of any paintings with moving eyes. Amen.
FB lacks security and privacy, and is in decline for these reasons. The Coast was wise not to follow suit.
Whether virtually everyone around your daughter has a sex tape or not, I agree with Chick that you’ll think different if it’s your daughters bits and rutting habits being shared about.