Love is a language in itself, but sometimes that other language—the spoken word—fails us in our most intimate moments: With our pants around our ankles. Haligonians are a witty bunch (or we like to think so, anyway), but even the quickest of wits isn’t immune to the occasional bedroom blunder. Sometimes even a major one. This list, dear Coast readers, is one of those.
In honour of The Coast’s 15th annual Sex + Dating Survey, we asked you for your poorest pillow talk. And boy, did you deliver.
Read through some of the best replies to the question, “What’s the most cringe-worthy thing you’ve said or heard during sex?” below:
*Disclaimer: This story contains graphic language.*
“I like your wall art.”
“My mom just finished a workout.”
“The wrong name.”
“Put me in, coach.”
“Do you want to see my big Dutch cock?”
“Can I check your oil?”
“Someone called me ‘Mommy,’ unprompted.”
“Sent a dick pic of my penis head decorated as a Goomba from Super Mario and instructed the receiver to gobble it up like Yoshi.”
“You look like Oprah.”
“‘Your cock tastes like shit.’ (This was after we had anal sex.)”
“You need Febreze.”
“Accidentally said, ‘I want to shove my penis in your pussy.’ (I don’t have a penis; my partner didn't have a pussy.)”
“Pieced together from Rammstein lyrics but I’ll never know where I got the cream: Spiel mit mir mit schlagsahne, bitte.”
“Ignore that smell.”
“‘Do you like my big cocktail?’ (It wasn’t big.)”
“You’re a real turkey sandwich.”
“What are we doing for lunch?”
“You’re my Impossible Burger.”
“‘I love you.’ (On the first date.)”
“Am I big enough?”
“Let me taste your shit.”
“You’re even better in bed than your sister.”
“Where is the remote control for the TV?”
“Thank you.”
“‘There’s my girl’ when I was going to orgasm. Orgasm ruined.”
“Oh you’re the real deal, huh.”
“‘Eat my dirty ass.’ (No, I did not.)”
“Is your cum brown?”
“You should probably be a bottom.”
“Is this your favourite cock?”
“Make me your bitch in heat.”
“‘Into the unknown.’ I sang it out like in Frozen 2.”
“Can I cum on your pubic hairs?”
“You’re my Wonderwall.”
“Can you have less fun?”
“I masturbated before I came here.”
“Is that it?”
“Some woman has taught you well.”
“Don’t move around at all, okay?”
“So… what do your parents do?”
“Will you snort my cum?”
“Your boobs would be so perky if they were smaller.”
“I want to fuck your hair.”
“You seem like an insecure person.”
“Tongue punch my fart box.”
“Use me like a bowling ball.”
“I love daddy’s dick.”
“Brought up something their mom gave them as a gift.”
“I think I could knock the pictures off your wall.”
“I told someone they were a disappointment (in a kinky way) but then they started to cry (in a not-kinky way).”
“Sweat in my mouth.”
“Asked if he could drink milk from my ‘boobies.’ He thought all women had milk in their breasts at all times.”
“Indubitably.”
“‘Here comes Grampy’s gums!’ (Said as a joke. It definitely didn’t help the mood.)”
“Take this foul demon.”
“No ear stuff, I get infections.”
“My ass is like a Pringles can: Once you pop, you can’t stop.”
“I went to say ‘fuck’ or ‘holy shit’ and would up saying ‘fucky shit.’”
“Saying ‘compliments to the chef’ after swallowing.”
“Accidentally burping while whispering in my ear.”
“Sex is sooo much better with a bigger girl. I just don’t want people to know we got together.”
“Will you pay for the abortion?”
“Tickle, tickle!”
“When my arm is out of this sling, I will really show you a good time.”
“Cum in me, bro.”
“Totes.”
“This is exactly how I imagined Ryan Reynolds would kiss.”
“My husband will be home soon.”
“Tight wittle pussy.”
“Close your eyes and pretend you are asleep.”
“We have to go grocery shopping later.”
“We should not see each other again.”
“My little guy.”
“You’re welcome.”
“Roll in the mud and I’ll find the wet spot.”
“Where did you get Crazy Frog on vinyl?”
“Called out his own name.”
“I’m your sex gerbil.”
“You feel like my ex.”
“I just shit myself.”
