Jacob Boon

Steve Jobs is a whiny, little baby. A petty, crying, pseudo-spiritual brat who’s self-centred daydreaming ruins lives and wastes hundreds of millions of dollars. That should be the theme of Jobs, a relentlessly shameless ode to the apparently mythical importance of the guy who made iPods. Ashton Kutcher is constantly on the edge of tears […]

As blandly titled as it is directed, Paranoia is a techno-corporate thriller about the cut-throat world of smart phone apps and the men who look like Liam Hemsworth that make them. Hemsworth (brother of Thor, fiancé of Miley) stars mostly shirtless as a poor tech genius trying to climb the corporate ladder. Conflict is theoretically […]

Adolescent posturing finds a home in summer superhero spectacle, Kick-Ass 2. Aaron Taylor-Johnson returns as costumed hero Kick-Ass, though much more time is given to the early retirement of Chloë Grace Moretz’ Hit Girl, or Christopher Mintz-Plasse’ evolution into the super villain Motherfucker. That’s smart, as Moretz’ screen presence is miles above her costars, and […]

“I make my own destiny!” shouts the stupidly named Percy Jackson, right before using the weapon his dad gave him to kill the monster he’s prophesied to slay. Such is the unexamined Percy Jackson and the Sea of Monsters, a movie that barely seems to be aware of why it exists. When a transforming cyber-bull […]

World War II happened, but it was all fought entirely by sentient planes. Planes that are possibly born and have sex with other planes. These are the confusing elements which don’t need to be, but end up occurring in the quickly-written Planes. Not a sequel, but set in “the world of Cars,” this Pixar/Disney cash […]

It takes a certain selfish, sociopathic ego to become a star, which is probably why the supremely talented yet humble singers in 20 Feet from Stardom haven’t had many movies made about them. Veteran biographer Morgan Neville crafts a history lesson on background singing—from call-and-answer church choir origins, to marvels like Darlene Love and Merry […]

A garbled pantomime, nihilistically uninterested in its own cinematic existence, The Smurfs 2 isn’t complete garbage. Originally created by Gargamel, and thus an affront to Smurf God, Smurfette (Katy Perry, whimpering a lot) worries her blasphemous nature will eventually cause the all-male Smurf community which lusts after her to stop paying attention. Now a world-famous […]

The word “mutant” is only mentioned a couple times, and The Wolverine is all the better for it. Hugh Jackman’s Logan is now a grizzled mountain-man, trying to forget about killing Famke Janssen. All that wild brooding is interrupted, though, when a wealthy businessman invites Wolverine back to Japan to offer a gift of de-immortalizing […]

“Thanks for the lube, Mom,” is only one of a couple dozen fantastic one-liners filling up The To Do List. Virgin valedictorian Brandy (Aubrey Plaza) wants to lose her virginity before college. In typical overachieving fashion, she decides to master a lengthy list of sexual acts before going all the way with hunky Rusty Waters […]

A creepy doll is auxiliary to the plot, but man, is it ever a freaky part of The Conjuring. The non-doll story is thus: A couple and their five daughters move into an old, lakeside home they bought on the cheap. Guess what? Haunted. In desperate horror, they turn to acclaimed “demonologists” and paranormal investigators, […]

The original Red banked off audience demand for John Malkovich: Action Star to become a modest hit. Unsurprisingly, Red 2 largely sticks to that winning formula. Now retired (again) CIA agent Bruce Willis rockets back into action when he and BFF Malkovich are framed for international nuclear terrorism. The two, with girlfriend Mary-Louise Parker, go […]