The last time I identified as a Mrs. it was for the sake of establishing some credibility for myself. I was opening a new bank account as an unemployed “homemaker” and this lack of professional identity left me feeling a bit insecure with Mr. Bankman. So I chose Mrs. as my prefix in an effort to reclaim some worth: A clear and in-the-moment reflection of patriarchal values.
Women were not permitted to vote nor were they considered persons under Canadian law until as recently as before the second World War. Feminism’s first wave addressed this injustice by releasing women from the ownership of their husbands.
Nevertheless, the use of the prefixes Miss, Mrs. and Ms. live on. These formal ways of addressing girls and women reflect the woman’s relationship with a partner (male, historically). The prefixes are value-laden, meaning a woman’s worth is determined by her prefix.
In contrast, boys and men are addressed as Mr. regardless of their relationship with a partner. Boys and men, then, are good enough just as they are.
After that bank meeting I wondered: What do I get out of identifying as a Mrs. and what does this mean for the women who dare to live independently of marriage? It hit me that throughout my 20s I used Mrs. to avoid the shame that blankets young unmarried mothers. Now throughout my 30s, I can benefit by declaring to all through my prefix that someone married me—I am “marriable.”
There are too many misogynist values and beliefs in our society to list; one is that married women are superior to unmarried women. Furthermore, the dominant narrative that unmarried women are “less than” is reinforced each time a married woman benefits by using the title, because with privilege comes oppression, folks. We don’t have one without the other. Now, just how do married women experience privilege?
We benefit by feeling secure in knowing what Mrs. connotes to those around us. I don’t feel proud to be a Mrs. simply because I love my partner and feel good about my healthy marriage. We don’t live in neutral vacuum-sealed bubbles. My pride and comfort in identifying as a Mrs. comes from the socially constructed identity of wife: Worthy, protected, subordinate, good, loyal, normal, heterosexual, nurturing, et cetera. Have your own honest brainstorm.
To be very clear: I’m not calling on the married women of colour, women from the LGBTQIA+ communities or women living with (dis)ability because you experience barriers that I don’t. I don’t know what identifying as a Mrs. does for you to mitigate some of the marginalization you navigate daily and it’s not my place to request more of you in this patriarchal, colonial, heterosexist and ableist society of ours.
But to my white, hetero and able-bodied sisters: We can either maintain the oppressive status quo of placing the married among us higher in the hierarchy of women or resist misogyny with the words we choose.
Will we choose to maintain the dominant oppressive narrative, or will we relinquish our privilege and say, “Call me Ms.?”
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This article appears in Mar 23-29, 2017.
Hay Missie – the 70’s called. If you’re done with their rhetoric, they’d like it back.
Don’t forget to rewind.
Someone to talk to Gloria Steinem. I believe that she would approve of the use of the prefix of Miss and Mrs. and would tell you your choice to use those two prefixes are part of the base values of the feminist movement. And here I am – a man – having to tell you this.
It’s shameful nowadays that women are discounting the experiences of and throwing away those who came before them. It’s as if they don’t seem to care about the struggles those who came before them experienced.
There is a cherry picking of feminist values combined with a Lynch Mob mentality that is slowly destroying the feminist movement. And they wonder why there is a retaliation… that retaliation coming not from men but from true feminists.
Burn your bridges girls; but don’t come crying to Daddy…
Clearly men have no concept of the importance placed on the prefix. Institutions/society in general assumes certain stereotypes based on your use of Miss, Ms. or Mrs. Miss = immature, young, perhaps unemployed or under employed, likely under the age of 30. Ms. = maybe gay, or single, or a feminist who is married, likely employed, likely under 50 but probably over 30. Mrs. = either subscribes to the traditional form of marriage, probably is Catholic or follows a major religion where women are seen as subservient to men, definitely married, may or may not have a job, likely over the age of 40. I have heard from many women that they “earned” their right to call themselves Mrs. by putting up with their husbands. Personally I have always used Ms. because the meaning of Mrs. is literally “the property of the Mr.”. No thank you, I am and never will be anyone’s property, regardless of the fact 90% of people have no idea that’s where Mrs. originates from.
Ms. is just more convenient. You don’t always know whether a woman is married or not, and it’s awkward to have to ask.
Ummm… Ruby dear, it’s about choice. My comment was about choice. Please stop over-reacting.
More imagined oppression.
Nice groveling to the LGBTQ tho…
RubyJaye : regardless of the fact 90% of people have no idea that’s where Mrs. originates from.
No you’re mistaken luv…it’s not that we don’t “know”…it’s just that we don’t “care”.
We don’t care because it’s a non-issue. Women aren’t being oppressed because of “Mrs”…that’s a figment of your imagination.
It’s more snowflakery and for the most part people are just done with it! Don’t you see that?
Try_The_Truth: Speak for yourself. Also it’s a fact I think most women would find interesting, so be careful what you assume about 50% of your collective “we” who supposedly don’t care.
Oh man thank you for this article. This has bothered me my whole life.
How any of the above commenters could fail to understand the basic inequity of the male/female prefixes is completely beyond me. And, I suspect, the commenters do actually understand, and are simply lashing out without thinking. Or perhaps they are simply being trolls. Who knows?
“Mrs/Miss” indicates marital status. “Mr” does not. The notion that knowledge of a woman’s marital status is necessary information and knowledge of a man’s is unnecessary is archaic and we should be moving past it.
The equivalent to “Mr.” is “Ms.” It’s not complicated.
I love that all these men came to say how wrong Cassie is here, and that all these women are agreeing with her. We dont get to pick how people feel. Im a man so these things dont affect me directly, but as a son, father and ally I support her message and hope these small brained MEN remove their heads from their asses and realize its 2017, and everyones feelings matter. Very well written article with a great point.
OMG! Ladies, Gloria Steinem! GLORIA FUCKING STEINEM! Sad, young girls need to know the history of the feminist movement whose greatest influencer was GLORIA FUCKING STEINEM! But of she doesn’t fit the mould of current neo-Nazi feminist preachers, her history may as well be erased along with that of Edward Cornwallis’… right?
Somewhere, there is a woman still living in 1974, trapped in a kitchen with orange, yellow, and brown wallpaper and avocado green appliances, listening to her collection of 8-track tapes.
She will be absolutely astonished by the revelation that women have been using Ms. instead of Mrs. since 1961.
Angel, I believe the point of the article was not that Ms. has been in use for decades but rather the inequality that is inferred between usage of the terms Mrs. and Miss or Ms. In other words, the author asserts a married woman is seen as having more value. This nomenclatural discrimination does not occur with Mr. It is a point worth noting.
I love how so many of the women who have come here to voice their support have neither noticed, or, chosen to ignore the opening header of this tantrum, which sounds a helluva lot like Vic Toews infamous “You’re either with us, or you’re with the child molesters” diktat.
And that’s the crux of the issue. Now I’m not going to presume to speak for married men of colour, men from the LGBTQIA+ communities *nods at Tickle My Anus* or men living with (dis)ability but I’m going to venture a guess that most couldn’t give two stuffs for what women choose to call themselves.
Cassie here can anoint herself Queen Yertle of Turtleland, for all I care. It doesn’t matter.
What matters is that in her little hissy fit, her manifesto of oppression, she sounds for all the world like the Mt. Saint Vincent equivalent of a drunken Kellie Leitch supporter, taking a break from the VLT to inform the rest of the people at the Legion that “Friggin Truedud is gonna impose Shakira Law, take ur guns and turn us all inta Mooz-Lims” And she deserves to be treated with the same derision by those of us who understand that critical thinking is not the sole prerogative of the Progressive (Ha Ha) Left.
First world campus feminism is a pathetic joke, but hey, enjoy your privilege girls. Because I’m sure you’re all busy highlighting your well-thumbed copies of “The Handmaid’s Tale” and telling your Facebook friends “See, I told you, didn’t I”
So, lesbians who are married don’t adopt the “Mrs.” prefix? If they did, it is just buying in to an oppressive, misogynistic ideal iinvented only to control a woman’s feelings of self worth, by your evil husbands?
Lol, this is just being ridiculous. Call yourselves whatever you want, take off your rings of oppression, and burn your papers of ownership. What’s going to be funny is the process of picking a neutral enough term to not offend anyone. Good luck with that, ladies (or whatever you’re calling yourselves these days)!!!
Well said cousin!
the censorship of this site is absolutely appalling. I truly laugh at the levels that this rag resorts to in the censorship of people who counter bullshit like this with reality. Makes me sick. Fascist pricks.
Hipsters: Fascism 2.0