Seven nogs. Many Dixie cups. One completely amateur blind taste test. In the name of holiday imbibing we got to the bottom of the standard egg nog selection and discovered both minor and complex differences in the flavour profiles of the yellow (or supposedly yellow) elixir. The resounding winner? Scotsburn’s classic Holiday Nog. But there were many revelations along the way.
“I’m actually learning a lot about myself right now,” said Jacob Boon as the results were revealed. Hopefully, you’ll learn something, too.
1. Baxter Egg Nog
Jacob Boon: It’s a butter-yellow with a slightly sour smell. If that was some kind of vanilla milk product I’d believe it. I don’t 100 percent think it’s egg nog.
Tara Thorne: I always say about egg nog that I can feel it forming a sack of fat around my heart. This is a good sack-builder.
Allison Saunders: It’s thick but doesn’t really leave a film. Kind of like a melted McDonald’s milkshake.
2. PC Rich & Creamy Candy Cane Egg Nog
JB: I’m already feeling sick, I ate a lot of barbecue peanuts just before this.
AS: It’s so thin! It feels like I just brushed my teeth, with sour cream.
TT: It looks like banana medicine. Is this some soy mint shit?
JB: I don’t want to swallow that. It feels like fluoride. Oh god, gross. It’s like snowman spit.
3. So Delicious Coconut Holiday Nog
TT: What colour is this? Is it Coffee-Mate? That is some coconut bullshit, get it out of here.
JB: So far I like this one best. It’s a good healthy start-your-day nog. A post workout nog!
TT: You can finish mine.
JB: I kind of wish they included chemical colour.
4. Farmers Egg Nog
AS: It’s watery without being thin.
JB: It’s the right viscosity, but weirdly flat flavour-wise.
TT: If I was served this at someone’s house I’d be fine with it.
JB: If you wanted to taste the rum more, this would be good.
AS: Or like, if you were drinking these all night at a party.
5. Scotsburn Holiday Nog
JB: This is almost solid, like an in-between putty state.
AS: This is so good. It’s a little salty.
TT: That’s real. That’s the fat-sack-maker.
JB: It’s like flavoured, sugared butter. I’m ready to lick the inside of the cup.
AS: This would be so good in coffee—
JB: —but it’s the one I’d drink entirely on its own.
AS: You wouldn’t even need booze in this.
JB: The booze would be lucky to share a glass with it.
6. Almond SoFresh Nogg
JB: It’s off-white. And there’s no scent.
AS: It’s almond milk for sure but it doesn’t taste like nog.
TT: It’s killing the memory of the beautiful one that came before it.
JB: If I’m going to have imitation nog, can I at least have imitation nog that gets out of bed and gives it a shot?
AS: This tastes like if you put ice cubes in a glass of milk and they melted.
7. Scotsburn Vanilla Holiday Nog
TT: Put some Kahlua in there and good night.
JB: It’s too vanilla. It tastes really good, but it isn’t noggy enough. It would be good with booze though.
AS: My teeth feel like they are wearing sweaters.
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This article appears in Dec 7-13, 2017.
Better than the weed reviews at least.
So, #5 = #1?
I know nobody asked, but I’d suggest dropping the numbers altogether (it is just the implied order of consumption) and put a jolly holiday hat or something that says winner on the Scotsburn Holiday Nog to indicate its supremacy.
Otherwise, some Saputo Inc. social media guru will be putting up We’re #1 billboards all over town.
Also, imagine this missed opportunity: Farmer’s Beep Nog
First you need to cut out the candy cane, holiday, coconut and almond ones as they are not eggnog; anything “light” isn’t worth it either. In fact, even without trying them, I say gross.
So it’s down to Farmers so-thick-and-cloying or the Baxters.
I vote Baxters.