Q I am a 29-year-old single straight man. Over the past year,
I have become very close friends with a gay man close to my age. We
have a blast hanging out, and I value our friendship. Four months ago,
he told me that he had developed romantic feelings for me and said he
needed a little space to save our friendship. For a couple of months,
we saw each other only with mutual friends. Then we started hanging out
again. It’s been great, and he seems very comfortable with me again.
The thing is, I am now experiencing a sexual attraction to him. I have
never been with a man and I am very attracted to women, but it doesn’t
bother me that I suddenly feel this way.
I have been thinking about asking him if he wants to have a sexual
experience with me. I think he would go for it. A long-term romantic
relationship with him does not interest me, but I do love him as a
friend and don’t want to risk losing that. Is it possible this could be
just a one-time thing that brings us closer as friends, or is it more
likely to ruin our friendship? He is the only guy I have ever been
attracted to, and I want to have this experience. –Straight Except For
One Guy
A While you’re open to having a gay experience with your
friend, SEFOG, he would probably prefer to have a gay relationship with
someone. The fact that he can’t “have you”—you’re never gonna gay
marry him—may make him reluctant to fuck your ass. Having sex with
you could obviously reignite feelings he made an effort to squash to
“save the friendship”—duh—and he may dread the feelings of jealousy
and inadequacy that could swamp him when the inevitable happens and you
wind up in a LTR with a woman.
All that said, SEFOG, I’m going to share a little secret with you
about gay men: We’re men, real men, just like straight men. We’re good
at having sex without getting emotionally attached—some of us are a
little too good at it—and a single gay man, like a single straight
man, rarely passes up a chance to get with someone he’s attracted to,
even if he wants more than that person can give. About the only thing
that gay men are better at than straight men—besides
deep-throating—is maintaining friendships with exes, one-night
stands, friends-with-benefits, fuck buddies, et al.
Lob your balls into your friend’s court, SEFOG, and see what he
says. You were able to remain friends after he confessed his attraction
to you, so I don’t see why you won’t be able to remain friends after
you confess your attraction to him.
Q I’m a woman with an extremely gorgeous, brilliant, openly
(mostly) gay friend who I’ve been having sex with infrequently but
regularly over the last six months. I know why I’m doing it: I enjoy
his company, he’s hot, the sex is incredible. But I’m not sure why he’s
having sex with me, a straight girl. The most I could get out of him is
that he thinks I have a “masculine sexuality.” I’d like to have a
clearer understanding of where our friendship/sexual relationship
stands. I am a person who likes to talk about everything, and he is
not. –Confused Over Male Eroticism
A I would hazard a guess that your (mostly) gay friend is
doing you for the same reasons you’re doing him: He enjoys your
company, you’re hot and the sex is great. As for where you stand, COME,
well, that depends on what you want. Do you want hot sex with a hot guy
every once in a while? Then you’re in good standing. Do you want a
relationship? Then you’re deluding yourself. Very few gay-identified
men are secretly closeted straight guys, COME. When a bisexual guy
identifies as gay, it’s typically because he’s not romantically
attracted to women. He can fuck women, but he doesn’t fall in love with
women. Most bisexual guys are the opposite of your (mostly) gay friend,
ie, they can fuck men but they don’t fall in love with men, which is
why most bi guys identify as (mostly) straight.
Q I wanted to satisfy my curiosity of getting a blow job from
a guy. I found one online willing to do the deed, and we met and he
started. After about 15 seconds, I stopped him. It was not for me and
did not feel right. Now, in reality, what are my chances of getting a
disease? Low? Medium? High? He did not use a condom. I know you are
going to say to get tested, which I probably will. But in your opinion,
are my chances so great that I should run to the clinic? Would it
matter the time length of the BJ? Say, if it were 10 to 15 minutes
instead of seconds? Thanks for your time. –Sent From My
iPhone
A My apologies to Jerry Herman: It only takes a moment to
contract a sexually transmitted infection you could have your whole
life long, SFMi. If the guy who blew you—however brief the blow job
was—had syphilis or chlamydia or herpes or all three, you could’ve
contracted any or all of them. You can’t contract an STI from a guy who
doesn’t have any STIs, of course, but what do you think the chances are
that a guy who blows strangers he meets online has an STI? Low? Medium?
High?
Go get tested, SFMi.
Q I’m a 23-year-old lesbian who’s been in a relationship with
a bisexual woman. She’s always had a fantasy about guy-girl-girl
three-ways, so about five or so months ago, we decided to invite her
best friend, “Roger,” into bed with us. We’ve both been pretty happy
with the arrangement. At the start, I refused to have sex with him. But
about two months ago, I decided I wanted to try it, never having had
sex with a guy myself. I couldn’t get into it, so we stopped after two
minutes. Since then, I’ve missed two periods and done four home
pregnancy tests—all positive.
How the hell am I going to break the news to my girlfriend? We used
condoms! I’d like to keep the baby and raise it with my girlfriend, but
we have been living with each other for only a year. And how do I break
it to Roger, if at all? –Gay Baby Mama Drama
A How do you break the news to your girlfriend? The same way you break it to Roger: without further delay. Keeping the baby is your decision and your choice, GBMD, but it’s a decision you have to make in consultation with your girlfriend if you’re counting on her to raise this baby with you. And as your ultimate choice will have enormous potential consequences for Roger, both emotional and financial, he needed to be informed of your condition three pregnancy tests ago.
Your girlfriend may not be ready for the kind of commitment that coparenting represents. Roger may be non-traditional in the whole three-ways-with-lesbians sense but traditional in the wants-to-be-the-father-of-his-child sense. You need their input as you make this choice, GBMD. And you have choices in addition to abortion or keeping the baby. There’s also open adoption. In an open adoption, you pick the family the child is placed with, and you and Roger can have ongoing contact with the child after adoption. You can learn more about open adoption at openadopt.org.
This article appears in Nov 26 – Dec 2, 2009.