I love this karaoke town

Like everything else in life, a good bar crowd has several
sub-categories. You have the determined drunks, the social smokers, the
bored-as-shit designated-driver significant others, the pickup artists
and the large dudes who speak exclusively in outdoor voices. There is a
special subsection of this party category that is often overlooked,
however: the karaoke singers. Disparate in sex, age, apparel and
sobriety, karaoke singers are nonetheless distinct in bar culture due
to their total and overwhelming lack of shame.

Even the most tone-deaf drunkard can revel in one of Halifax’s most
popular pursuits any night of the week. We humbly present our
seven-nights-a-week guide to the city’s favourite spots.

SUNDAY

If Bo knows football, Maurice Aucoin knows karaoke. The man has been
hosting shows in Halifax since 1992 and now enjoys a regular Sunday gig
at the Halifax Alehouse (1717 Brunswick Street, 423-6113). The
veteran musician (he also sings for The Persuaders) began hosting
karaoke shows back in the day through his band’s booking agent. He
wasn’t always a fan. “I felt really stupid when I first started doing
it,” he says. “I felt like a dork.” But after one night on the job, he
began to see the appeal. “I’ve hosted karaoke at almost every bar in
Halifax at one point or another,” he says. Nowadays, Aucoin enjoys
hearing Tragically Hip songs and Midnight Oil’s “Beds are Burning,” but
is less fond of done-to-death tunes like the Kid Rock/Sheryl Crow duet
“Picture.” “I’ve been hearing it for so long,” he says. “I’m sick of
it.” Otherwise, the atmosphere is casual, with ample room to move the
chairs and tables in order to make way for serious dancing. Aucoin
advises first-timers not to stress. “The crowd is very accommodating
and sensitive,” he says. “Just go with it. Every night, there’s always
someone who blows me away.” On Sundays you can also check out Laurie
the Guy at Michael’s (6100 Young Street, 454-6600), and karaoke
in Lower Sackville at the Bounce Pub and Grill (552 Sackville,
864-5644) and at Our Friend’s Pub (19 Norm Newman Drive,
Dartmouth, 462-7827) with Belinda.

MONDAYS AND TUESDAYS

If you’re one of those competitive types, Jackie Smith’s night at
Cheers (1743 Grafton Street, 421-1655) might be your number one
jam: every show on Monday and Tuesday night features cash giveaways and
prizes for those hardy enough to ascend the stage. And the prizes are
for all participants; not just the good ones. “We used to give out
prizes for best singer, and people accused me of being racist, or
picking someone because they had big boobs, so we don’t do that
anymore,” says Smith. Be warned, though—if you start having trouble
and realize you can’t quite hit the same notes Freddie Mercury
did in “Under Pressure,” you risk getting gonged—and a free t-shirt.
All this friendly competition makes for a virtual bouillabaisse of
kinetic energy. “The atmosphere is gonzo,” Smith says. The bar remains
packed from 11pm to closing time at 3:30am, which means you have may to
wait up to two hours for your song to come up. In the meantime, you can
check out the crowd’s celebrity contingent. Smith says Matt Mays
occasionally drops by to sing that perennial Bruce Springsteen
favourite “Born to Run.” Dartmouth-bound karaoke fans can also ride on
up to Monte’s (245 Waverley Road, 435-1770) on Tuesday
nights.

WEDNESDAY

Smiling old men, bikers, stand-up comedians, cowgirls and
hipsters—you’ll find all of the above at Bearly’s (1269
Barrington Street, 423-2526) on a Wednesday. Mimi Andriopoulis’s night
draws out a colourful assortment of regulars—from “Big Caddy Daddy,”
who does a terrifyingly accurate impression of AC/DC singer Brian
Johnson to “Those Fuckin’ Bitches,” a scrappy duo whose piece de
resistance is the Violent Femmes’ “Add it Up.” “The kids are the
best,” Andriopolous says. He’s not too particular about the songs you
choose, either, which makes for a delightful mish-mash of genres, but
it doesn’t hurt to keep things moving. “I hate the slow rock ballads,
the slow long Metallica songs and that shit,” Andriopolous says.
“People should realize that when people are on the dance floor, rocking
out, they don’t want to hear 15 minutes of ‘Turn the Page.'” There are
few experiences comparable to standing on the Bearly’s stage, barking
out lyrics to a roomful of half-drunk crazies pumping their fists.
Truly, it approaches karaoke transcendence. We also highly recommend
Kamikaze Karaoke with the delightful DJ Bear at Menz Bar (2182
Gottingen Street, 446-6969)—you can win drinks and hot dogs! Kruze
Kontrol Karaoke at Club 1668 (1668 Lower Water Street), Mike
Gough’s karaoke at Parkside Pub and Grill (14 Highfield Park
Drive, 464-1310) and of course, the omnipresent Laurie the Guy at
Michael’s.

THURSDAY

“I got into karaoke as an economic choice,” says Dave Smith, who has
hosted karaoke at Oasis (5675 Spring Garden Road) for about six years.
“I love the enthusiasm of the crowd and the cross-section of music I
get to play.” The crowds at Oasis are younger than at other spots, and
its Thursday night wing specials means the beer is flowing early on.
Smith often accompanies singers on guitar—we once enjoyed the
balls-out performance of System of a Down’s “Chop Suey” from a blonde
teetering on spike heels as Smith shredded behind her. “Just go for
it,” Smith advises. “As long as you’re trying and having fun, that’s
all that matters.” You might even get a standing ovation—apparently
it happens often. You can also hit up The Bounce, Jackie Smith’s night
at Rodeo Lounge (121 Ilsley Drive, Dartmouth, 468-6666), Mike
Gough at Big Leagues (4 Forest Hills Parkway, Dartmouth,
462-2721) and, of course, Laurie the Guy at Michael’s.

FRIDAY AND SATURDAY

The grand poobah of Halifax karaoke (and reigning Coast Best Karaoke
Host winner) Laurie the Guy needs no introduction. Currently, he does
karaoke six nights a week, with a weekend shift at the Lion’s
Head (5833 Sullivan Street, 455-0181). “I always thought karaoke
would be a fad, so I figured I would work as many shows as I could till
it dies out,” he says. Laurie’s shows are characterized by his song
selection (over 25,000, searchable at laurietheguy.com), his good-natured
banter with the audience and, of course, the props. Need a puppet to
accompany your version of “Ebony and Ivory”? What about a Rasta
wig—or a giant stuffed penis? “The singers love the props, and I’m on
the lookout for new ones everywhere I go,” he says. The host says that
after 18 years, he keeps doing the job for a number of reasons. “I love
being on stage,” he says. “I’m not qualified to do much else. I like to
have my afternoons free to go surfing. And the only reason I can still
do this is the good people. I am truly thankful for that.” Anthony
Vanemberg takes over at Michael’s on Friday and Saturday, while Mike
Gough does karaoke at Dave Dolittle’s (90 Tacoma Drive,
Dartmouth, 435-5311).

5 Karaoke don’ts

1. All hosts say they have been given bribes by insistent singers who want to go up earlier. Laurie the Guy says women frequently flash their breasts at him especially for this purpose. Really, ladies? Anyway, they say it won’t work.

2. Every host we spoke to said they are pretty much sick of hearing that tried-and-true Kid Rock/Sheryl Crow duet “Picture.” Might we suggest going with an older (and better) country duet, “Louisiana Woman, Mississippi Man”?

3. For the love of god, no “Stairway.” No one wants to hear it. No one. Why doesn’t anyone ever do “Immigrant Song”?

4. Don’t jump too much on the stage. It makes the CDs skip.

5. This isn’t American Idol. The sloppier you are, the better. Let ’er rip.

Alison Lang loves karaoke so much she had it at her
wedding.

This article appears in Sep 3-9, 2009.