Shit happens

Q: I am a 28-year-old
straight woman who has been dating a 24-year-old straight male for two
months. Recently, I gave him oral sex while he was seated naked on my
couch. The next day, as I went to sit on the couch, I noticed a brown
stain on the cushion that looked highly suspicious. I have come to the
conclusion that it was, in fact, poo. The stain had a streakish quality
and was located where his buttcrack region was placed during the
encounter. And furthermore, I smelled it. And I know what shit smells
like!

Question: WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?! Is this normal for men? Can I talk to
him about this? How do I even broach the subject?

I suspect he knows shit stains are an issue for him, because we were
packing for a weekend trip and he got upset when I went to fold/pack
his underwear. He wouldn’t let me handle the undies because he didn’t
want me to “see any stains.” I didn’t think anything of it, assuming he
left occasional skid marks as some guys do, and I made a joke about my
period panties and moved on. But now I am annoyed. He should have
realized what had happened when I blew him and tried to clean it up
while I was sleeping or otherwise occupied.

Is pooping on the couch a deal-breaker? Or can we be cleaner in the
future and protect my furniture? Shit On Furniture Annoys Girl A
Lot

A: Seeing as he’s aware he
has a problem—he acknowledged as much when he kept his underwear out
of your hands—this straight boy, at the very least, should’ve thought
to spot-check your sofa after grinding his ass into it for the duration
of that blowjob. But you have to take some responsibility, too,
SOFAGAL. You encouraged this young man to plop his naked ass down on
your sofa and proceeded to engage in the kinds of behaviours that would
cause any man to (1) open his legs and (2) grind his ass into whatever
he happened to be sitting on. And where bare asses are set, shit stains
are always a possibility.

So I’d say you’re both at fault, SOFAGAL. Knowing what he knows
about his own ass, the boy should’ve eyeballed your sofa and discreetly
cleaned up after himself. But, again, shit stains can happen when you
allow a nude man to sit his bare ass on your sofa, SOFAGAL, and
commence blowing him. If I may invoke/resurrect a Rumsfeldism: Prior to
this incident, blowjob-related shit stains on the sofa were, for you,
an unknown unknown—something you didn’t know you didn’t know—but in
the wake of this incident, shit stains are now a known known. You might
place a towel—might I suggest a beige one?—on any sofa that you
invite this man, or any other man, to set his bare bottom on prior to
blowing him.

Finally, SOFAGAL, how to broach the subject? With a sense of humour.
Sex can be messy, and shit happens quite literally sometimes—and not
just to men. Women have assholes, too, and shit-stained panties are a
documented phenomenon. Let him know he tagged your sofa—try to smile
when you say it—and then head to the nearest gay neighbourhood to
pick up some brown or beige towels. And, how bad can it really have
been if you didn’t notice when your nose was down there?

Q: My wife and I got into
S&M about two years ago, and it’s done a wonderful job of spicing
up an otherwise very vanilla marriage. It was the odd happy ending to
the usual doomed story of “husband who knows he’s submissive finally
gets courage to tell vanilla wife.” We’re constantly upping our
game—we went from pegging and D/s to flogging to hardcore beatings
pretty swiftly, and we want to continue to push our boundaries.

Now we’re looking into electrical play. And our question is about
cattle prods. Are they safe? We’ve seen a couple of BDSM porn movies
where a cattle prod gets used, but we have no idea if these are prop
cattle prods or the real deal. What do you know about safe electro-stim
play?

Sub Needs Some Shocks

A: “Electric play is a great
addition to BDSM, but cattle prods are a bad choice as they’re not
designed for use on humans,” says David X, an electrical engineer who
used to work in tech but today designs e-stim products for Eros Tek.
“There are several reports of muscle injuries and even a few broken
bones from prod-induced involuntary muscle contractions,” David
continues. “Burns and nerve damage are also possible. There really
isn’t any way to make a cattle prod safe, but if you must, use it only
below the waist and make each shock as brief as possible. Make sure the
submissive does not have weight or tension on their limbs and has room
for safe movement.”

And if you’re attached to your balls, SNSS, and would like to remain
attached to them, make sure they’re not tied to anything. But, again,
neither David nor I think you should use a cattle prod. David has a
bias, of course, and would prefer to see you purchase something
designed for use on humans—preferably something designed by him—but
your bias-free advice professional strongly agrees with David: Invest
in a product designed for humans.

“The best devices for BDSM electric play are made for that purpose,”
says David. “They can deliver very intense sensations while being much
safer than a cattle prod. As for books, you’re best off following the
instructions that come with whatever device you purchase. This is
another advantage of BDSM products—they come with instructions for
using them on humans instead of cattle.”

You can see David’s products at erostek.com.

Q: I’m a 23-year-old
straight female. I have been friends with this guy for the past two and
a half years and would like to continue. The problem is, he gets
jealous (because he has the hots for me, but I’m not interested) and a
bit distant whenever there is a boyfriend/date in the picture. I’m not
sure if I should approach him about this or not. Just Friends
Jealousy

A: Maintaining a friendship
with a man who has the “hots” for you when you’re not interested isn’t
kind, JFJ, it’s emotionally sadistic. Maybe it’s thoughtless sadism on
your part, but it’s sadism nonetheless. Because for as long as you’re
hanging out with him, JFJ, he’s going to delude himself into thinking
that he has a chance with you. And every time a potential boyfriend
appears on the horizon—someone for whom you do have the hots—he’s
going to realize, once again, that he’s a fool and, perhaps, being
played for one. (How many times has he helped you move?)

Your friendship, while a marvelous treasure under most
circumstances, is not a consolation prize for this guy. It’s a torment.
He doesn’t have the strength to cut you out of his life—something
that, if he’s reading, I would strongly advise him to do—so you’re
going to have to do it for him, JFJ. If you don’t, well, you can’t
claim that your sadism is thoughtless anymore. It’s overt, conscious
cruelty—“mean girl” bullshit. And if you’re not careful, Garfunkel
& Oates will write a song about you.

Download Dan’s Savage Lovecast (his weekly podcast)
every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.

Email Dan at mail@savagelove.net.

This article appears in Jun 11-17, 2009.