Q:The two things that I dig
most on a woman are a nice big pair of…swim fins. Some of my earliest
sexual fantasies revolve around Jacqueline Bisset in The Deep.
It’s frustrating to have such a bizarre fetish. There is a small
subculture devoted to scuba fetishism on the internet, but it’s a total
sausage/snorkel fest. One day I’m heading somewhere tropical like
Hawaii, where I hope to meet scuba divas. Until then, what do you
suggest? Give up my fetish and embrace vanilla? Or redouble my efforts
to find one of the maybe half-dozen women in the world into this?
—Fin Fun Fan
A: It’s amazing how the
sight of something as innocuous-yet-titillating as the poster for
The Deep can, if a young man lays eyes on it at just the right
moment, endow that boy with a lifelong/love-life-complicating fetish. I
ponder this phenomenon every time I see that ad for Old Spice’s new
Live Wire body wash featuring an impossibly hot centaur soaping up in
the shower. (While you regard your fetish as a burden, FFF, at least
you can find scuba gear. Where are all the fetishists being created by
Old Spice supposed to find centaurs?)
The odds that you will one day meet one of the very few women out
there who share your fetish are slim, FFF. But let’s say you manage to
track one down. What are the odds that you’ll be attracted to her
physically? And emotionally? Slim and slimmer. Your best bet is to date
women you find attractive, demonstrate that you’re a decent and loving
guy who can enjoy vanilla sex, and then your fetish.
Some would argue that withholding info about your fetish is
dishonest. I would argue, however, that “withholding” info about a
harmless fetish—FF just wants to play dress-up, he’s not into shit or
shin splints—demonstrates a certain degree of emotional intelligence.
Waiting about three months says to prospective scuba babes, “Hey, I
wanted you to get to know me before I told you this, because I realize
that it might strike you as odd. And while I’m kinky, I’m not obtuse or
insensitive.”
QI am a straight
22-year-old male who identifies as a crossdresser. I enjoy it, and I’m
OK with myself. But my ex-girlfriend revealed to me that it made her
feel like less of a woman and that I was doing the female version of
emasculation to her. How can I work through this with her and get back
together?
—Bashfully Oblivious Ovary Buster
AEither your ex was
honestly threatened by your crossdressing, BOOB, or she’s doing what a
lot of us do when a seemingly decent relationship comes to shit for no
good reason: She’s looking for an explanation, and your crossdressing
is the low-hanging fruit. Blaming the crossdressing allows her to
rationalize the breakup in a way that leaves you both blameless, i.e.,
the relationship was done in by your panties and not by something that
she did or by something that you had any real control over.
Can you help her work through this? Probably not, BOOB, particularly
if she was actually feeling “femasculated.” You could agree to stop
crossdressing, but you’ll only wind up doing it on the sly. You’ll get
caught in panties and end up dumped all over again. If pointing to your
crossdressing was just a rationalization, BOOB, then there’s no way of
working through this. Find a new girlfriend.
QI’m a 24-year-old guy,
and I just got a blowjob from (and gave a half-assed one to) a
transsexual male-to-female prostitute. It was no accident: I’d spent
about two years looking at TS porn (as well as regular
guys-doing-it-with-girls porn), and the whole thing seemed like a hot
idea. But the plastic-surgery scars around her tits and her cock in my
mouth kind of made me nauseated. I went through the motions only
because I didn’t have the guts to walk out. (We both had condoms
on.)
I’m not sure if I can face my girlfriend of a year. I’ve been
faithful to her until now, and I feel like crying. I don’t know if it’s
because it was illegal (prostitution), because I was cheating on her
(unfaithful) or because I can’t say I’m totally straight anymore (cock
in my mouth). I don’t know how to tell my girlfriend. She knows I look
at porn, but she doesn’t know I look at TS porn—no one does.
—Regrets About Gay Experience
AParadoxically, RAGE,
going down on a shemale escort shores up your heterosexual bona fides.
Gay guys don’t frequent and/or fellate shemale escorts (on purpose or
by accident); getting with shemales is an entirely straight-male
pursuit. So you can go right on identifying as straight, RAGE. Of
course you aren’t totally straight—try thinking of yourself as
something more than straight, not less—but you’re close enough that
you can round yourself down to straight with a clear conscience. (Offer
void the day you start blowing hemale escorts.)
But you’re not married yet, RAGE, and now’s the time to get out
there and satisfy any outstanding sexual curiosities—before marriage
and before kids. And while unburdening yourself to the girlfriend may
sound like the noble thing to do—honesty being the best policy and
all—each of us gets to take at least one big secret to the grave. If
this truly was a one-time, lesson-learned, never-again experience, let
it be the secret you’re buried with.
Finally, RAGE, good on you and your escort for using condoms. But
there are a whole host of sexually transmitted infections you could’ve
picked up from her, condom or no condom. Make whatever excuse you need
to in order to get out of having sex with the girlfriend, go get a full
STI screening, and refrain from having sex until you get the all-clear
from your doctor.
QWhile your response for
To Rape Or Not To Rape is great advice to keep a guy out of a legal
jam, is the woman TRONTR is corresponding with is an actual consenting
person? Just because TRONTR has couple of IMs, a photo and email
consent to rape one janedoe@geemale.com doesn’t mean he’s
actually corresponding with a person who shares his fantasy. He could
be corresponding with an imposter. I have friends who’ve had personal
ads placed online with their names, photos and addresses imploring
someone to abduct and rape them. The situation reeks of a setup, and
your advice is irresponsible. —Poster Bitch
ATRONTR indicated in his
letter that he wouldn’t do anything with this person until he met her
in person for drinks and verified her identity and interests. I
encouraged him to get it in writing in addition to getting a verbal and
visual confirmation, not in place of either. There are people out there
maliciously posting personal ads; there are also people out there
sincerely interested in rape and abduction role-play scenes. Anyone
thinking about realizing a fantasy as extreme and edgy as
abduction/rape role-play needs to get it in writing and from the lips
of the person or persons with whom he or she intends to play.
This article appears in Mar 26 – Apr 1, 2009.
BRAHAHAHAHA