Q I have lived with my
boyfriend for almost two years. He says he loves me and does a lot of
loving things for me. We are both in our early 60s, but we have the
sexual energy of 20-year-olds. Here’s the problem: I am overweight
(size 18). I was overweight when he met me. I now know that he hates
fat women. You should hear his disgust when he sees them on TV or on
the street. He has begun to tease me and make jokes about my weight.
This hurts my feelings and I have told him so. He says I’m too
sensitive. What is your advice to me? Fat And Teased
ABefore I answer your
question, FAT, I’m going to take a little stroll down Suppressed Memory
Lane: I once had a “bisexual” boyfriend. (I place bisexual in quotes,
angry bisexual community, only because this guy wasn’t bisexual. That
doesn’t mean other guys aren’t bisexual.) My “bisexual” boyfriend liked
to claim that he really wasn’t that into men until I came along—I was
the magical exception, the one guy who did it for him. But even then,
he told people loudly at parties he was mostly turned on by how into
him I was, he wasn’t that into me or my junk. (He could barely stand to
look at my cock—which is why he stuffed it in his mouth or ass
whenever we got naked.)
And you know what, FAT? He made disparaging comments constantly
about gay men he saw on the street or on TV—gay men like the one he
was with—and put me down constantly for having a much more serious
case of the gay than he did. He was going to marry a woman one day, a
woman with lady parts, and have a family; I was going to remain
hopelessly gay all my life. He was, of course, gayer than a college
wrestling team and eventually came out as gay—much to the
consternation of all his friends who believed him when he said that he
wasn’t really that into men. (By which I mean to say, much to the
consternation of absolutely no one.)
Anyway, your current boyfriend (early 60s, straight, asshole)
reminded me of my old boyfriend (20, gay, asshole). A man who claims to
have fallen in love with someone who he’s not attracted to, or someone
who disgusts him, expressly so he can belittle that person and make
that person feel awful, well, that man is a complete asshole, FAT, and
my first impulse is to advise you DTMFA just like I did my asshole
boyfriend. But…
You say he’s good to you otherwise, does loads for you and fucks you
regularly—so before you dump this motherfucker, FAT, let’s consider
reforming him. Say he’s totally into you and into big women, just like
my ex was totally into cock. But, like my ex, he’s uncomfortable with
his sexuality and worries about what other people think—including
you, FAT, as paradoxical as that may sound. So he makes asshole
comments in an effort to hide his true feelings—possibility
fetishistic feelings—for big women.
The asshole comments allow him to pretend that he’s not into your
body, just hopelessly in love with you, the person you are on the
inside—which makes him one of the “good guys,” i.e., a guy who isn’t
so shallow as to let a little thing like your weight come between
you.
While I had to dump my “bisexual” boyfriend, FAT, a little
shock-and-awe therapy might convince your “fatphobic” boyfriend to
knock it off. You shouldn’t have to put up with his comments, FAT,
whether they’re motivated by shame for his attraction to big fat asses
or, if my theory is incorrect, by a genuine hatred for fat people.
Either way, FAT, you’ve got to tell him—in no uncertain terms—to
knock it the fuck off already. Don’t be measured, don’t wrap it up in
“I” statements, no mewling about your feelings. Give him both barrels:
“If you don’t knock it the fuck off—the asshole comments, the stupid
jokes—I’m going to kick your ass out, got it?” A strategic blow-up or
two should occur—scream, yell, smash a few things you’re not all that
attached to—when he slips up. Repeat until his attitude changes or
his address does.
QWhen I first met my
fiance two years ago, he was training for a marathon and had the body
of a Greek god. But he seems to be losing all interest in his
appearance. The other day he sent me a photo of himself (I am finishing
college in another state) that made me yelp in shock because he’d
gained so much weight. I don’t want to dump him—the man I love is
encased in that mound somewhere—but it’s gotten to the point where
I’m glad I’m in a long-distance relationship because it means I don’t
have to sleep with him. How can I communicate this in a subtle way so
as not to hurt him? The Biggest Gainer
AWell. Aren’t you a
shallow piece of shit. I mean, do you love this man for who he is or
how he looks? What about the person he is on the inside?
Just kidding, TBG, I’m totally on your side. While we all eventually
arrive at old and ugly (ugly is an entirely subjective judgement of
course and, for some of us, “body of a Greek god” counts as ugly),
you’re under no obligation to marry a man who’s in a hurry to get
there. Tell him that committing to you means committing to maintaining
his body out of consideration for the pleasure you’re expected to
provide it/take from it.
QThanks for your advice to
Missing Kisses, where you explained that sometimes men can be turned on
by a desire to do some post-orgasm activity but lose that desire once
we’ve ejaculated. I have this problem with one fantasy.
For years, while fucking my wife, I’ve told her about how badly I
want to come all over her nipples and then lick it off. She’s keen on
the idea and presents herself to be licked clean after I come. However,
I’ve never been able to follow through. It’s not a matter of some
latent gay panic; I’m simply not turned on anymore at that point and
have no desire. Is there a way around this? I’d like to complete the
act at least once, if only to surprise her. Loses Interest Quickly
A There is a way around it,
LIQ, but your wife will have to lead the way. So stop reading, LIQ,
because the rest of this answer is for the wife’s eyes only. Mrs. LIQ:
You’re going to have to make him do it. You’re going to have to force
him to follow through on all that lick-my-come-off-your-tits dirty
talk.
The next time he tells you he’s going to lick his come off your
tits, tell him that you’re holding him to it: He either does it or no
more pussy for him until he does. And don’t make an idle threat: If he
doesn’t do it, don’t let him fuck you again until he does.
He’ll do it grudgingly and he’ll hate it while he’s doing it. But
once he’s horny again, he’ll be so turned on by the thought of what you
“forced” him to do that he’ll totally “bring it,” as the kids were only
too recently saying, and fuck the living shit out of you. You’re
welcome.
Download Dan’s Savage Lovecast (his weekly podcast)
every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.
Email Dan at mail@savagelove.net
This article appears in Mar 5-11, 2009.