I hope you can help me. I am a 39-year-old divorced mother of four. Im also a grandmother. Ive started seeing a younger man, age 25, who is only a few years older than my oldest kid. We hit it off great and other than the sex, everything is beautiful. The problem is that my sex life with my ex-husband of 20 years was very free. We did everything from toys to bondage to watching porn together to three-ways.
My new guy is not happy that I have a collection of toys or that I watch porn, have been to strip clubs, etc. He likes regular sex and he refuses to use toys or do anything in the adventurous realm. How do I even talk with him about what I like without scaring him off? I love being tied up and spanked! Plus, he has never done oral and doesnt even want to try! HELP!!!
—Frustrated GILF In Minnesota
aYoure not gonna get what you want—excuse me, what you deserve, grandma, or what you have a right to demand and expect—from this boy if youre not willing to risk scaring him off.
Now you, Grandma Hoses, will have to school him, as the young people were recently saying. Sit the boy down and tell him that youre older, wiser and more experienced, and that you intend to drag his butt up to your level—not allow him to drag yours down to his. Tell him exactly what you like, tell him exactly how you like it and make sure he understands that youre not interested in being with someone long-term who isnt interested in meeting your needs.
You have leverage here, FGIM. Use it.
qGay here. The BF and I have a modestly open relationship—three-ways once in a while, one-offs very rarely. It spices up the home life and reinforces trust, blah blah blah. So, the BF was visiting the folks the week between Christmas and New Years. Wed both agreed to have a one-off that week and share the juicy details when he got back. Saturday night, I had this guy over and we fucked like crazy. The BF got home Sunday, and we had a sexy time reviewing the juicy details of our respective indiscretions.
Monday (New Years Eve), I was chatting with our neighbours. Theyre crazy, tequila-loving Texans and liberals in most respects—except, theyve hinted, where sex is concerned. So, they asked how the BF and I were doing, and when I mentioned that we were great—the BF had just returned from a 10-day trip—my neighbours demeanor changed. Their usually playful and friendly selves turned immediately to ice. They didnt say anything, but I realized what happened: They heard me and the one-off going at it and thought that I had cheated on my BF! I had, of course: but it was BF-sanctioned cheating! Theyve been very cold to me since. I worry that admitting that I cheated and that the BF was in on it will solve one problem and create another. Suggestions?
—Sissies Love Understanding Texans
P.S. They hear us go at it all the time. I shouldve seen this coming!
aStraight Texans who arent bothered by the sounds of actual queers actually going at it, SLUT, wont be destroyed by your non-monogamous news.
Cant you see how unfair youre being, SLUT? Right now, the neighbours think youre a cheating piece of shit and your boyfriend is a fool. So long as you allow them to go on assuming that youre officially monogamous, theyre going to feel like unwilling co-conspirators in your infidelity. Theyve probably had more than one conversation about what, if anything, they should say to your boyfriend.
Leaving them like that isnt fair, SLUT, it isnt neighbourly and theyre going to come to resent you more and more. Theres only one way out: The two of you—it cant be you alone, because theyll only assume theyre being pulled into another lie—will have to go and tell them the hole fucking truth.
qDo you know any lawyers willing to take on a personal-injury suit concerning fisting-induced fibromyalgia? When I call local personal-injury lawyers here in Eugene, Oregon, they get all flustered. —Fisting Fallout
aIt is a little controversial whether fibromyalgia is a real disease at all or just a mysterious constellation of symptoms, says Dr. Barak Gaster, Savage Loves long-suffering resident medical expert. Most mainstream doctors accept it as real, but its still in the slightly dubious category.
Fibromyalgias constellation of symptoms includes fatigue, generalized pain, irritable bowel syndrome, headaches, and roughly 400 other complaints. Relief for fibromyalgia sufferers has arrived: Theres a new drug on the market with an annoying ad campaign (courtesy of Pfizer), and possible side effects (hives, difficulty breathing, dizziness, sleepiness, blurred vision…).
But fisting-induced fibromyalgia? Maybe skidmarkalgia can be induced by fisting, FF, but not fibromyalgia. That would not be considered credible in any real way whatsoever, says Dr. Gaster. You may have fibromyalgia, FF, and you may have been fisted before your diagnosis, but theres no relationship and no personal-injury lawyer is going to take your case.
qWe wanted to let you know that we appreciated your recent remarks condemning bestiality. We agree that it is wrong, wrong, wrong for the very same reason that you pointed out—the issue of consent. However, we dont agree with your advice that zoophiles should get a tall fence. The zoophile who wrote you desperately needs counselling and should in no way be encouraged to have any contact with animals.
Like the pedophile who claims to love children, zoophiles might profess their love and caring for the object of their sexual desire, but it is without real consideration for the psychological and physical well-being of their non-consenting partners. A recent study shows that 96 percent of offenders who had engaged in bestiality also admitted to committing sexual assaults on humans.
You do a wonderful job of humorously and intelligently dissecting the psychosexual conundrums of those who write to you. We worry, however, that your readers will miss your point and take away from your column that bestiality is acceptable when it is done behind tall fences.
—Colleen OBrien, director of communication, PETA
Thanks for writing, Colleen, because I would hate for people to take away from that column—you know, that column, the one where I told RUFF to go get banged by dogs behind tall fences—that its in any way permissible for a human person to get, you know, banged by canine dogs behind tall, tall fences. Im grateful for the opportunity to clarify my position. Which is con. Because, you know, gross.
This article appears in Feb 7-13, 2008.
