Quick hits | Savage Love | Halifax, Nova Scotia | THE COAST

Quick hits

Dan visits a couple of colleges and answers a few questions he couldn’t get to—straight guilt, FMK, open marriages—here.

Last week, I spoke at the Wilbur Theater in Boston and the Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute in Troy, NY. Audience members submitted their questions on tiny cards before the show, allowing them to remain anonymous while forcing them to be succinct. Here are some of the questions I didn't have time to get to.

Q My girlfriend wants to explore her sexuality with another woman but be "heterosexually exclusive" with me. She wants me to have equal freedom but doesn't think it's fair for me to be with another woman. I am a heterosexual man. How can we achieve sexual equality?

A An open relationship for her but a closed-on-a-technicality relationship for you? Yeah, no. Want to achieve sexual equality? Explore your sexuality with other women—as a single man.

Q I am a 50-year-old queer man who never came out—except to people I'm cruising or fucking. Oh, and to my wife. Is there any social or political value to coming out now, in the shadow of a Trump presidency?

A There's tremendous social and political value to being out, whoever the president is. There's also social and political risk, whoever the president is. If you're in a position to come out—and you must be, otherwise you wouldn't be asking—not coming out is a moral failing.

Q I'm a 31-year-old straight female. I have an intermittent sexual relationship with a married polyamourous friend. Each time we hook up, he says he regrets it. But several months later, he will contact me and we will hook up again. Should I say no? What do you think is up?

A Your friend's head is what's up—up his own ass. Stop letting him stick his dick up yours. (PS: His regret has me wondering if his marriage is actually open or if he's cheating on his wife. If you've never discussed their polyamourous arrangement with her, that probably what's up.)

Q Please elaborate on how an open relationship could save a marriage.

A Here's an example: Married couple, together a long time, low-conflict relationship, good partners. Spouse #1 is done with sex—libido gone, no interest in taking steps to restore it—but Spouse #2 isn't done with sex. This can play out two ways: Spouse #1 insists on keeping the marriage closed, and Spouse #2 opts for divorce over celibacy. Or Spouse #1 allows for outside contact—they open the marriage up—and monogamy is sacrificed but the marriage is saved.

Q How do you get over the guilt of being a straight guy? I used to feel a lot of sexual shame from hearing that men are pigs all the time. I got over most of it, but I still have leftover shame. I want to be respectful of women without having to take responsibility for the actions of every straight man out there.

A As a gay man, I'm not responsible for the actions of Roy Cohn, Jeffrey Dahmer and Peter Thiel. Likewise, I deserve no credit for the accomplishments of Michelangelo, Alan Turing and Stephen Sondheim. When you feel the shame and guilt welling up, all you can do is remind yourself that you're not responsible for the piggishness of Donald Trump or the awesomeness of Chris Kluwe. (And just to complicate things: While most straight women hate straight male pigs, most straight women want their men to be pigs—but only now and then, and only for them. A dash of controlled/vestigial piggishness is a desirable trait, not a disqualifying one.)

Q What's the healthiest way to address jealousy in a relationship with a jealous and confrontational partner?

A The healthiest thing would be for your jealous and confrontational partner to address their issues with a therapist after you've dumped them.

Q Fuck, marry, kill: Donald Trump, Rick Santorum, Mike Pence.

A Fuck everything, call off the wedding, kill myself.

Q I see you've resurrected your ITMFA campaign. (Bragging rights: I got the Mass license plate ITMFA. The DMV tried to take it back when someone complained, and the ACLU won the case for me! I removed the plate after Obama won.) My question: If Trump is removed from office—if we "impeach the motherfucker already"—we'll have Mike Pence. Do you really think he'd be any better?

A We already have Mike Pence. And Pence, as awful as he is, oscillates within a predictable band of Republican awfulness. With a president Pence, we'll get shitty Supreme Court nominees, attacks on queers and people of colour and fiscal mismanagement. With president Trump, we get all that plus war with Mexico and Australia. And you don't have to remove your ITMFA buttons once Trump is removed from office—keep 'em on until Pence is impeached, too.

Speaking of impeachment: Four in 10 Americans support impeaching Trump. Nixon didn't hit that number until 18 months into Watergate. And speaking of my ITMFA campaign: We've already raised $100,000 at ITMFA.org, with proceeds going to the ACLU, Planned Parenthood and the International Refugee Assistance Project. Get your ITMFA hats, buttons and shirts at ITMFA.org!

DEAR READERS: Valentine's Day is coming up. This is your annual reminder to #FuckFirst—have sex and then go out to dinner. Don't have a heavy meal, drink, eat some chocolate gut bomb of a dessert and then write to me on the 15th whining about how you didn't get laid on the 14th. Fuck first! Or better yet, stay home and fuck all night on the 14th and go out to dinner on the 15th. You're welcome.

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