The Wolf of Wall Street

Jonah Hill's fake dick

Don't pout, Leo. Tara might like the next one.
Don't pout, Leo. Tara might like the next one.

It’s the 1980s and Jordan Belfort is a self-made millionaire New York stock guy—you know, the ones who ruined the world recently. He loves sex workers, illegal drugs, throwing money around and having zero inner life or outside interests. The perfect person to play him is someone who has lived like this, so move outta the way, fatass, cause here comes craggy, spray-tanned manchild Leonardo DiCaprio—who turns 40 this year and starts the movie at 22, lol—to dredge up his ’90s-era Pussy Posse heyday for all to see. Though Scorsese, 71, isn’t sympathetic to Belfort, indisputably a tool, he definitely thinks he’s really fucking awesome—why else would this thing be three hours long? If there was some sort of social commentary happening—we knew Wall Street was bad for the world before this movie—or one decent female character, or anything beyond “Wouldja look at this?!,” The Wolf of Wall Street may be worth recommending. But this is some hollow sludge, from Jonah Hill’s bleached teeth straight to his fake dick (thanks for that, btw). Scorsese and DiCaprio should just take a long vacation together and leave the rest of us out of it.

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