The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones

Make up an ab routine involving runes, stat.

Taking a wander in that City o' Bones
Taking a wander in that City o' Bones

A chintzy, Toronto-y Twilight rip-off, The Mortal Instruments stars Lily Collins (daughter of Phil, point your burning sticks away from Lena Dunham!) as Clary, daughter of a pair of top-notch shadowhunters, a secret group that's been hunting demons for 1,000 years, though they vary in age and are all British for no explained reason. The men wear leather pants and shirts opened to the spleen, which can’t be comfortable demon-fighting garb. Clary’s Mom is kidnapped and she finds out she’s got a bunch of powers and that she’s super-into Jace (Jamie Campbell Bower) while stringing along nerdly Simon (Robert Sheehan) like a dickhead. There are also vampires and werewolves and streetcar tracks in “New York.” Cheap effects, overt rune symbolism and the actors’ inability to sell lines like “So Bach was a shadowhunter” add up to a fail even before the climactic rain kiss. They spend less than five minutes in the City of Bones. Will make you feel bad about your ab routine.

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The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones is not showing in any theaters in the area.

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