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Dan Savage says pay up or shut up, Cake Fart Fetishist.

Q: I accidentally discovered that my son-in-law is into BDSM sex as a "dominant." A few weeks ago, he was holding one of my dog's leashes and tried to stop my dog (a 13-year-old, docile golden retriever) from running up to another dog by violently yanking on the leash. My 65-pound dog was violently spun around with a loud snap.

I reacted in a very hostile manner. He defended his actions and I started swearing at him. My daughter told me I was overreacting, and they both left in a huff. Thinking about this, I realized that I was thinking about my son-in-law inflicting pain on my daughter in the same way he did to my dog. I can't stomach the thought of seeing him again and decided that I had to explain my reasons to my daughter. I said that I could not accept her husband getting pleasure from causing her pain. She reacted with hostility, first telling me it was none of my business and then denying he behaved in that manner. She said I was crazy.

I didn't tell my daughter that I had snooped in their home and found his ligatures and spanking porn. I told her that she should talk to someone about it and said that I would not tell her mother. She eventually told her mother and I was forced to explain my reasoning and the source of my knowledge to my wife. I feel that getting pleasure out of causing another person pain and humiliation is not an acceptable form of behaviour. Now my daughter and son-in-law are not speaking to me. I don't ever want to see him again but would like to salvage my relationship with my daughter. Any advice?

---Distressed And Depressed

A: Apologize.


I am a 27-year-old female, single, with an active dating and sex life. I find that I really enjoy sex while high, both for its ability to help me lose my inhibitions and for the way it makes me feel physically. The problem is that while marijuana works well as a social lubricant, it leaves my mouth bone dry---which is in no way conducive to giving a good blowjob. Water barely works at all to solve this problem. How can I continue to smoke pre-sex and still drum up enough saliva for a good blow?

---Blowing Smoke

A: Your problem is interesting, BS, but I have more to say to DAD. Hold tight a minute.Look, DAD, your daughter is right. What she and her husband get up to in bed---or playroom or sex club or airport restroom---isn't any of your business. And while you may feel that "causing another person pain and humiliation is not an acceptable form of behaviour," someone who finds pain and humiliation erotic---someone like, oh, your daughter---might come to a different conclusion.

Like the parents of the kinky gay kid whose boyfriend wrote in a couple of weeks back, DAD, you snooped and consequently learned some things about your kid that you didn't need to know. You learned stuff that you, as a parent, have a right not to know. And guess what? It's your own damn fault. Your only option now---after you apologize to your daughter and your son-in-law---is to pretend that you don't know what you damn well do know.

And, DAD, that's an awfully big leap you're making from "my son-in-law accidentally hurt my dog" to "my son-in-law is intentionally abusing my daughter." Not knowing how to pull a dog away from another dog isn't proof that your SIL engages in intentionally cruel, non-consensual, dangerous BDSM sex. OK, so he doesn't know about dogs. But you can rest assured, DAD, that most people into BDSM are careful and considerate and make sure their bottoms or subs are human, for starters, and enjoying the ligatures and spankings just as much as they are because, you see, that's the only way BDSM tops can keep bottoms and subs coming back for more.

While it's unfortunate that seeing your son-in-law with a leash in his hand conjured up some rather upsetting mental images---like, oh, your daughter being "snapped back" by a quick tug on a leash---those mental images are, again, your own damn fault, DAD, and you're going to have to take some responsibility for 'em.

But take comfort. Ligatures and spanking porn are pretty softcore, as BDSM gear and interests go. Spend 10 minutes surfing around, or to get a taste of how much more extreme your daughter and son-in-law's interests could be. Then go sit down with your daughter and ask her to explain a bit about her turn-ons to you, because you need some reassurance that she's not being abused and that her sex life with the son-in-law, whatever form it takes, is mutually pleasurable, consensual and rewarding. And finally, promise her that you will never, ever bring any of this up again, that you won't go snooping ever again and that you won't hold any of this against your son-in-law.

Okay, BS, your problem can be solved with a can of Coke---or, better yet, Pepsi, which just donated $500,000 to Parents, Families, and Friends of Lesbians and Gays, all but daring the American Family Association to launch a boycott. Trust me: You'll find it much easier to get cock down your throat when stoned after you pour a little high-fructose corn syrup down it.

A NOTE TO MY READERS: I get more letters at Savage Love than I could ever hope to respond to personally. There's really no secret to getting your letter into the column: I just have to find your problem somewhat interesting. (However, you're better off emailing me on Tuesdays, when I actually sit down to write, than you are on, say, Fridays, when I'm sitting down to drink.) The fact that I can't respond to every letter leads to a lot of hurt feelings. Every day I get complaints from readers who can't believe I replied to the dude with shit on his dick and not to them.

Well, dear readers, for two weeks---and two weeks only---you can get a guaranteed response from me. Just go to, click "Donate Now," and do your part to help preserve marriage equality in California. On the left-hand side of the donation page, there's a spot where you can indicate that you're making your donation in someone's honour. Type in "Savage Love," put my email the space provided and then send me your question in another email along with the email confirmation that No on Prop. 8 sent you after your donation cleared. The six biggest Savage Love donors over the next two weeks get their letters in the October 16 and 23 installments of Savage Love. Everyone who makes a donation of $25 or more by October 16 gets a personal reply to their question from yours truly. The cut-off dates for donations that qualify for a letter in the column are October 9 for the October 16 column and October 16 for the October 23 column.

So, Cake Fart Fetishist, you've been badgering me for three years now. This is your chance to finally get your stupid letter in the column.

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