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Quickies 

Dan hit Seattle and Denver for some live events and the response was overhwhelming. Here are some answers he couldn’t get to.

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Savage Love Live swooped into Seattle's Egyptian Theater and Denver's Oriental Theater over the last two weekends. I couldn't get to everyone's questions at these sold-out shows—there were so many great questions and I'm just one lousy advice columnist—so I'm going to power through as many as I can in this week's column.


Q Weddings are terrible. I attended Dueling Dallas Lesbian Weddings, and both couples are pressuring me to tell them whose wedding was better (or better in the eyes of social media). Am I obligated to "rat" these couples out to each other?

A Weddings aren't terrible, people are—some of them, not all of them. But you certainly aren't obligated to "rat" these couples out to each other. You aren't even obligated to speak to any of these terrible people again.


Q I've been talking to a guy for four months, and we still haven't met in person. He's recently divorced, and I find it odd that he is all into me with sexting, et cetera, but doesn't want to meet. What do I do?

A Stop wasting your time.




Q I'm a woman and I've been in a relationship for two years. My partner is not able to make me orgasm. He is my first lover. HELP.



A If you can make yourself come, show your partner how you do it. If you can't make yourself come—if you're one of those people who have never masturbated—start masturbating, learn how to make yourself come and then show him how you do it.


Q My boyfriend is a cuckold and very into the humiliation aspect of cuckolding. I've been hooking up with one guy who is so into humiliating my boyfriend that it's kind of freaking me out. They message each other so much, I feel like I'm the one being cheated on!

A You get the D. Let your boyfriend have the DMs.




Q We are married 10 years, monogamish, pansexual. My friends are opening up their relationship and so are we. Any good reason I shouldn't have sex with my friends?

A Only the most obvious one: If someone gets hurt, these friendships could end. But friendships end all the time without anyone getting off, so.


Q I'm 31; he's 44. I know how you feel about splitting the rent in proportion to income, but my higher-earning boyfriend points out that I've opted for more leisure time and less stress with my lower-paying job. How should we split the rent?

A Someone making two or three times as much money as their partner should be willing to pay more of the rent. Splitting the rent 50/50 wouldn't be fair, particularly if the higher earner wants a larger and/or nicer space, because then the partner making more money is effectively having their lifestyle subsidized by the one making less. But if someone chooses to make less money because they want more leisure time, they shouldn't expect to have that choice underwritten by a partner making more money. I don't think they should pay half the rent—but a higher percentage of their income should go toward the rent.


Q How can I nicely convince my girlfriend to have anal sex?



A By using your words—your best non-coercive, non-threatening, willing-to-take-no-for-an-answer words. And it will help if you tell her you're willing to take it slow and willing to take turns.


Q My boyfriend of 1.5 years doesn't feel it is "appropriate" to tell me he is in love with me. I want so bad to have our "I love you" moment. What should I do?

A Say it to him—and if he doesn't hit you with an "I love you, too," then either he's not in love with you or he's in love with you and knows how badly you want to hear him say "I love you" but he won't say it because he likes to torture you.


Q My partner discovered—with someone else—that she loves BDSM, including pain and humiliation. I'm trying, but she's not impressed. What do I do?

A Presumably your partner doesn't love BDSM to the exclusion of all the hot vanilla sex she'd been having with you previous to this discovery. So instead of trying to be something or someone you're not, let your partner enjoy BDSM with others while making sure you two maintain your sexual connection by continuing to explore your shared sexual interests.


Q I've been with my partner for two years. We love each other and have no real issues, except family. I'm out of the closet to everyone in my life. My partner is, too. Her mom "accepts" her being gay, except around extended family. At family gatherings, her mom pretends my partner is heterosexual and interested in men, as if our two-year relationship doesn't exist. Is it OK that I think this is not OK?

A It's OK that you don't find this at all OK. But I'm curious what your partner thinks. Presumably your partner isn't a houseplant—which means she must have feelings about this and presumably she's capable of communicating those feelings to her mother.


Q I ran into a co-worker at a fetish party, and he was wearing a URINAL t-shirt. Does that mean what I think it means?

A It means you don't have to leave your desk when you need to take a piss.

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