Good enough to eat

A menu for those looking to find the flavour of love this Valentine’s Day.

There are two types of people in the world. One thinks that it's really sexy when young Mickey Rourke pops olives and strawberries into Kim Basinger's trembling mouth and drizzles honey all over her body in the dim light of an open fridge. And the other thinks that chugging a glass of whole milk and eating the rotting contents of a bachelor's fridge while The Newbeats' "Bread and Butter" doot-doola-doots its way over the soundtrack isn't really a huge turn-on.

Whether it's Jason Whatshisname fucking an American pie, Audrey Horne tying a cherry stem in a knot with her tongue, Herb Alpert & the Tijuana Brass's Whipped Cream and Other Delights album cover, or Cosmopolitan infamously publishing the line "slip a doughnut around his penis, and slowly eat it off," people love to mix food with pleasure. Christine Ollier and Kaleigh Trace from Venus Envy walk us through ways to do just that.

"If you came into the bedroom with a grapefruit, what is your man going to say?" Auntie Angel asks in her viral video from two years ago. Auntie Angel introduced the world to "Grapefruiting."

"I am the person who now teaches the fellatio workshop so I tried that for my job. And for science," Ollier says, laughing. "It was too funny to be able to maintain any kind of mood, but it did taste really good. It was messy, and it was really noisy, but despite that, and giggling the entire time, apparently it did feel pretty cool." Ollier suggests using a condom for this type of experimentation. "If you're going to put food on top of things and that thing is later going to go inside of a vagina, condoms are great."

"Venus Envy also carries BJ Blasters, the Pop Rocks for blow jobs," says Ollier. "A classic." Just don't let your boyfriend drink a Coke beforehand. Obviously. Or forego the Pop Rock experience and just grab a glass of Valentine's Day champagne for another take on this classic.

"There are some definite don'ts," says Ollier of actually using food during sex. "Like, don't put sugar—or most food, really—into vaginas." It's basically like putting sugar in a gas tank: it's not going to kill you, but it will likely muck things up. "It will end in disaster," she says. "Itchy, yeast infection disaster."

This doesn't mean you can't have fun with sweets. "We have chocolate body paint and edible body paints and those can be fun," says Trace. "Especially if you've been in a relationship for a long time. Even if it seems basic—chocolate body paint isn't exactly a revolutionary idea—you can definitely get stuck in a sexual rut, so edible body paint or chocolate body paint can be fun."

"Honey dust is another nice option," says Ollier. "It makes you super-silky and tastes really nice." But the actual mess of honey or whipped cream can sometimes get in the way of actually feeling sexy. "I think the entire time I would just think 'this is going to be such a pain to clean.' So I guess I'd suggest you use food that doesn't get sticky."

There are some foods that straight-up make sex a little more delicious. "Sweet tropical fruits make anyone taste sweeter, whether that's pineapple, mango, papaya," says Ollier. "All of the good things—cigarettes, red meat, coffee—that'll all make you taste more bitter. But, ultimately, is that really a big deal?"

There's nothing to back up the idea of aphrodisiacs, though. British food writer Jay Rayner once wrote, "There is only one truly ingestible aphrodisiac and that's the grape, after it's fermented."

"It's so subjective," Ollier says. "The food that makes me want to have sex with someone is probably tied to memory or scent."

But there are also some foods that both agree are inherently sexy. "Oysters," says Trace. "They look so much like the vulva. And they taste like the ocean."

"A classic east coast love story," says Ollier, laughing.

Hathor Aphrodisia is a Canadian-made product that Ollier and Trace recommend and carry at Venus Envy. "It's a Canadian mother-daughter duo who are really sweet," says Ollier. "They have the best-smelling, best-tasting flavoured lube, in my opinion." The Lubricant Lickeurs' all-natural flavours include hazelnut-caramel and chocolate-strawberry."Their products also have some herbs that increase natural lubricant production, things like horny goat weed and ginseng, which is energizing, and stimulates blood flow," says Ollier.

"Edible massage oil is also a good option, and that's a really nice activity," says Trace. "Everybody likes getting a massage."

Ollier and Trace suggest avoiding shoving food in any non-mouth holes for the most part, just for safety's sake. "Absolutely don't put foods that don't have bases—things like carrots or cucumbers—into butts," says Ollier. "That can land you in the hospital."

"There are some things people like to put in their butts, though," says Trace. "Like there are some kinks that involve carving ginger into a butt-plug shape." She doesn't suggest this for someone who is new to butt plugs—"it would be burn-y," she warns—but if you are looking for a plug that is more stimulating than most, "just make sure you do carve a good-sized base."

Trace says she is a fan of Dan Savage's simple Valentine's advice: Fuck first. "Great food is, well, great. I love eating," she says. "But sometimes it's really hard to want to get sexy after a big meal. Food can often be something that lowers our energy rather than something that makes us want to get physically sexy."

So go for a later dinner reservation. Or, better yet, avoid the outdoors. "I think you're going to have much more fun if you're going to do things at home," she says. "Cook naked together. Buy some lingerie. Cook dinner in just an apron and a push-up bra. You can do so many things with food that doesn't involve putting it in your bits!"

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