Golden Raspberry stains

Lindsay McCarney endures this year’s nominees for Worst Picture Razzie.

Dakota Moss is a stripper mysteriously losing appendages and limbs. How mysteriously? While stripping, Dakota looks up, to discover her pole covered in blood---and her finger missing! Dakota thinks she’s the victim of “twin stigmata”---that she’s losing limbs because her twin’s appendages are being hacked off. But Dakota has no twin. Or does she?

This only partially explains what’s going on in the Lindsay Lohan-vehicle I Know Who Killed Me, one of five terrible movies vying for Worst Picture at this year’s 28th Annual Golden Raspberry Awards (AKA the Razzies). The awards will be handed out February 23---the day before the Oscars.

The Razzies, started by John Wilson, a self-described “lifelong cine-maniac and cynic,” were first doled out in 1980 (Worst Picture: Can’t Stop the Music). Other notable Worst Picture recipients have included Catwoman (2004), Striptease (1996) and Cocktail (1988). The Razzies bravely call foul when the movie industry puts out big-budget crap.

This year’s Worst Picture nominees maintain that standard, legacy, and tradition.

In nominee one, I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry, two super-hetero firefighters (Adam Sandler, Kevin James) wed, to save James’s pension. Hilarity ensues.

Cool star slumming: Sideways auteur Alexander Payne co-wrote the script. Huh?

In one scene: An Asian minister in Canada (decidedly non-Asian Rob Schneider) joins Chuck and Larry in holy matrimony. A random drunk bears witness.

Sample dialogue: “My underwear’s just riding up my core...I got some applesauce going on down there.”---Larry (James), dressed as an apple.

Year’s worst? Weirdly homophobic and pro-gay rights, the film’s mediocre and (mostly) unfunny, but not Razzie material.

Premise to second contender Norbit: Eddie Murphy mugs as fat, overbearing Rasputia, her nerdy husband Norbit, and Chinese orphanage owner Mr. Wong. Hilarity ensues.

Cool star slumming: Kristen Schaal (overzealous fan Mel on HBO comedy Flight of the Conchords) lands a role.

In one scene: Bustier-clad fat Eddie pounces on nerdy Eddie in bed. A montage with Murphy in unfunny costumes repeats the gag, over and over. Many beds break.

Sample dialogue: “Bingo! Right in the blow hole!” proclaims Asian Eddie, as he launches a harpoon at Rasputia.

Year’s worst? It’s offensive and bad. But thankfully there’s no “twin stigmata.”

In third nominee Bratz: The Movie, four sassy chicas with a “passion for fashion” break down the barriers of high-school cliques. Jon Voight dances.

Cool star slumming: Jon Voight plays Principal Dimly. He was cool once, right?

In one scene: Evil Meredith (Chelsea Staub) sics her dog on a Brat. In the bizarre food fight that follows, an inexplicably existing statue of Principal Dimly breaks.

Sample dialogue: “It’s not a platitude, to feel some gratitude. So show some Bratitude, to the world today.”---the Bratz’s show-stopping number at the school talent show.

Year’s worst? The vapid time-waster’s momentarily saved when self-dubbed “Plunger Man” auditions for the talent show. (Heh.)

Second-to-last nominee Daddy Day Camp is best known as the cliche-packed sequel Eddie Murphy passed on, only to be replaced by crap-movie-magnet Cuba Gooding Jr.

Cool star slumming: Brian Doyle-Murray plays Uncle Morty. He was once on the innovative comedy, Mr. Show!

In one scene: The camp’s outhouse explodes. A character emerges---toilet seat around neck, pants around ankles.

Sample dialogue: “C’mon, Billy. You can always trust a fat guy,” a John Goodman-esque character sagely imparts.

Year’s worst? No---only bec ause camp leader Gooding Jr. forgets marshmallows in one scene, forcing campers to roast pieces of fruit instead.

And you already know the premise to I Know Who Killed Me.

Cool (minor) star slumming: Rodney Rowland (a drug-dealing biker in two Weeds episodes) rolls on to set.

In one scene: Dakota (Lohan) does an entire striptease, but never removes her bra.

Sample dialogue: “I have never sold my body to hairy old men with BO, because I am perfect,” declares Dakota facetiously.

Year’s worst? God, yes. Check for results, if you care (or dare).

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