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Ex’s bullshit is sopping wet 

Plus: Hubby’s humiliating behaviour may deserve the threat of divorce. And is the bottle of lube half-empty, or half-full?

Q My husband was 28 when I met him and a virgin. When we started having sex, he opened up about being "different." He wanted to wear panties, he wanted me to have sex with other men, he wanted me to make fun of his tiny penis. Didn't love the stuff, but whatever.

Now it's 1,000 times worse. He goes to Victoria's Secret and tells the salesgirls he is being punished by his wife for wearing her panties and that I am "forcing him" to go buy some of his own. He told me he could see our neighbour undressing, so he tried to contact her to see if she wanted to humiliate him while he was dressed as a woman. He thankfully failed to contact her. And I found an email in which he "confessed" to a female co-worker that he had a deep, dark secret. I confronted him, and he said he would tell her about me "forcing him" to wear panties and ask if she wanted to see his tiny penis!

He sees nothing wrong with this behaviour. I feel like he is a fucking asshole and a pervert who is violating me, our marriage and other women. I have children with this dude! What the hell do I do? --My Husband Is Out

A Here's what the hell you do, MHIO: You make a credible threat to divorce your husband and his tiny dick---serve him with actual divorce papers---then you set some conditions for temporarily suspending divorce proceedings. No more trips to Victoria's Secret, no more stalking the neighbours, no more inappropriate emails to co-workers. And he begins seeing a sex-positive therapist immediately.

The shit he's into---humiliation, "forced" feminization, cuckolding---can be enjoyed with consenting partners, i.e., women who are either into it or willing to fake it for a reasonable fee. He has no right to drag his co-workers, neighbours, salesgirls and other innocent bystanders into these extreme humiliation scenarios. A good, sex-positive therapist---someone who won't be shocked by your husband's kinks---may be able to help your husband see that he isn't being humiliated by these women. He's humiliating these women---and without their consent.

And that's not OK. Your husband is out of control, and sooner or later he's going to get his asshole ass arrested. So threaten to divorce him, MHIO, and if that doesn't inspire him to get help and get a grip, make good on that threat.

Q My girlfriend of six months told me she found it "awkward" when I used lubricant from a half-full bottle. She says it hinted at past relationships. To me, this was no more awkward than our using condoms from a half-full box---which did not bother her. But she sees condoms as individually wrapped, single-use items. Was I wrong for failing to purchase a new bottle of lubricant? --Lubrication Etiquette, S'il Vous Plaît

A I'm tempted to break into your apartment, LESVP, spike your lube with Frank's RedHot sauce and open a live feed of the oil pouring into the Gulf of Mexico on both your laptops. Because you two clearly need something real to worry about. But in the meantime: Personal lubricants are expensive. If the girlfriend believes a fresh bottle should be cracked open each and every time she gets with a new partner, then she should carry a case around in the trunk of her car. And as a general note: Lube also comes in small, single-ass-serving packets.

Q I have a dilemma: My ex wants me to replace his mattress because I ejaculated on it. Apparently, there was an "unbearable" smell that came about recently due to the heat and humidity where he now lives.

I am not sure that this "stench" is entirely or at all mine. My ex has a cat that peed on items of furniture in the past. Can he be sure that the smell is not from the cat? I have been ejaculating for years now and have never had a problem with smell. No other lovers have ever complained about a smell. I also warned my ex before we had sex that I, a female, was capable of ejaculation. There was an opportunity to stop/grab a towel, but my ex did not stop. In fact, my ex caused me to ejaculate countless times and he seemed to enjoy every second of it.

Should I pay for the replacement mattress?--Should I Soak It Up

A I don't want you to pay for your ex's new mattress---and I'll bet your ex doesn't want you to pay for his new mattress, either.

What's really going on here, SISIU, is this: Your ex's out-of-the-blue request for mattress reparations is an attempt on his part, conscious or not, to sever communications with you. He's picking a fight, one he knows he's likely to lose (because this is sopping-wet bullshit), so that he'll have an excuse to stop speaking to you and an excuse to slag you off to your mutual friends.

And even if your ranky, stanky, janky lady spunk ruined your ex's old mattress, SISIU, you would still not be obligated to replace it. When an adult invites another adult into his bed, he is or should be aware that sexual activity frequently leads to stained sheets and pillowcases, soaked and/or stained mattresses and, every once in a great while/time, completely and thoroughly and utterly destroyed bed frames.

A person who is unwilling to eat those losses should be careful to fuck on the floor, fuck outside or fuck at his partner's place.

Seeing as your ex should have been aware of the general risk sexual activity posed to his mattress, and seeing as you acquainted him with the specific risks you posed to his mattress, the responsibility and the liability are entirely his.

So fuck him.

While we're on the subject of lady ejaculators: Lots of folks wrote in with suggestions for WET, the woman in last week's column who, like SISIU here, routinely soaked the bed when she came. While I suggested a wrestling mat and towels, numerous readers wrote in to plug the Fascinator Throe.

"It's a large, double-sided blanket," wrote one Savage Love reader. "It's faux fur on one side, satin on the other, with a waterproof barrier in the middle. It comes in lots of colours and costs around $90. It goes anywhere you want to fuck, and then it's easy to clean. This thing saved my bed, and it's a hell of a lot sexier than a wrestling mat."

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