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Dan Savage 

Dan says staple that condom on next time.

Q: I'm a 23-year-old bi male mostly attracted to women. I have a fetish for cross-dressing, but only in private, as I live in a town---Tucson---that's small enough that I might get recognized if I went out "dressed." My problem is that I'm not having any luck finding a woman interested in having a long-term relationship. I've been in a few serious relationships with women in the last few years and all have been GGG for every kink I threw at them. But when I work up the nerve to float guy-on-guy stuff or me wearing panties, I always get "Ewww, gross!" I've tried online options to no avail. Where can I meet my dream girl who will watch me with a guy while I am wearing a skirt?

---Closet Princess Seeking Princess

A: The women you've dated were up for every kink you "threw at them," CPSP, until you tossed out your actual kinks, the ones you care about, the ones that make your dick rock hard and then you got ewwwgrossed every time.

I'll bet you're breezy, charming and funny when the stakes are low and you're discussing kinks that aren't your own. But when it comes time to share your kinks, CPSP, I suspect you get nervous, sweaty and tense. Because the stakes are much, much greater.

Of course, bisexuality and cross-dressing---as opposed to, say, a thing for feet or high heels (on her)---are going to be higher hurdles for most women. The former because it taps into thoroughly reasonable fears (what if you're gay and not out yet? What health risks is she running if you're out there sucking off other dudes?), the latter because for some women, seeing their boyfriends engaged in what they perceive to be thoroughly unmasculine activities---their asses panty-clad, their mouths cock-stuffed---amounts to a deal-breaking turnoff.

But there are women into your kinks, CPSP; it'll just take more than one or two internet searches to find one. And there are women out there who might be willing to go there for you, if they love you enough, but you'll never know if she's the one if you shut down after that first "Ewww, gross!"

Q: I feel ridiculous emailing you about this, but I figure that if anyone has seen or heard of all manner of asshole behaviour during sex, it would be you.

I'm a 17-year-old girl and I've only had one boyfriend---who was 21 at the time and I thought completely perfect. I'm glad it's over and I learned my lesson. The only thing that's still bothering me is the reason we broke up. After promising that he would never hurt me and reassuring me that he was sexually experienced and SO passionate about contraception, I finally agreed to have sex with him and lose my virginity. And in the middle of fucking me, he removed the condom without a word! He was hoping I wouldn't notice! I did notice---and I kicked his ass to the curb. He cried, he sent me stupid gifts and he still calls. But at least he didn't get me pregnant.

My question is this: How upset should I be about this? Or is this something that horny males do all the time? I'm not traumatized. I suppose I could nominate him for "Crappy Boyfriend of the Year," but surely someone else's boyfriend has done worse things and deserves the title. I really just don't know how to feel about this.

---Just Confused

A: How upset should you be? Very. Did you do the right thing? Absofuckinlutely.

Hell, JC, you did precisely what I would have urged you to do had I been in the room. Of course, the second-to-last thing a straight girl needs in the room with her when she's losing her virginity to some asshole straight boy is a gay man twice her age desperately trying to get out. But if I had been there, JC, and I realized what was going on, I would've stopped trying to break down your locked bedroom door long enough to give your boyfriend---AKA the last thing you needed in the room that night---something to cry about for real.

You consented to intercourse with protection and that asshole deceitfully initiated unprotected intercourse. When a fucker removes a condom during intercourse---gay or straight, vaginal or anal---it invalidates the fuckee's consent to the fucking. (And what is sex without consent, class?) So your "more experienced" boyfriend sexually assaulted you, JC, and placed you at risk of an unplanned pregnancy---and for what? An ever-so-slightly enhanced orgasm for him?

What.An.Asshole.This isn't something that decent guys do at all, JC, much less "all the time." He's an abusive douchebag and you're well rid of him. Here's hoping his next girlfriend takes proactive steps to make sure the condom stays securely on---I'd suggest staple-gunning the thing in place.

Q: I'm a 21-year-old, good-looking, sexually active, single woman. I have never had a boyfriend, but I have many guy friends who tell me that I'm great. Is it that men don't want to date me, or is my lack of putting up with bullshit getting me into trouble?

--Alone Again Unnaturally

A: You don't give me much to work with here, AAU. For instance, examples of the kind of bullshit you're incapable of putting up with might help. Because you know what? Some bullshit is intolerable, AAU, but there's no such thing as a bullshit-free relationship. A long-term relationship is, at its core, two people struggling to put up with each other's bullshit---day in, day out, year after year---in exchange for things intangible (love) and things tangible (sex). And no one is ever going to put up with your bullshit, kiddo, if you can't put up with theirs.

Q: I saw your offer to respond to emails from people who made a $25 donation to the fight against California's Proposition 8. I would like you to consider expanding the offer to include donations to our campaign. Florida voters have been asked to approve a similar amendment here. Amendment 2 is worse, actually, as it also bans civil unions AND domestic partnerships. But we only need 40 percent of the vote to block it.We're no joke---we've raised about $4 million and our TV ads start this week. But we need another $500,000 to push this over the top.

--D. Newton, campaign manager, sayno2.com

A: You're in, Derek. The six biggest Savage Love donors to either noonprop8.com or sayno2.com will see their letters in print and everyone who makes a donation of at least $25 to either group---send me your donation confirmation email along with your question---gets a personal reply from yours truly. The cut-off date for eligible letters is October 16. And if my readers in Canada want to play, too, you're invited to send proof of a donation to someone, anyone, running against Stephen Harper.

Download a new Savage Lovecast every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.

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