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Best emails of the week: July 14-20 edition 

Charlie Sheen, Juggalos and what a waste of time praying is


Subject: Charlie Sheen to Donate $1 Million to USO

Wow! It's the largest single contribution from a single woman abuser to the military organization! I feel icky for having read this email. Donating a whopping 1% of his profits from the EXCELLENT Anger Management, Sheen says:

“It’s an honor for me to be able to give back to these men and women of the military who have done so much for all of us,” said Charlie Sheen. “They put their lives on the line for us every day, and I’m just happy that my work on ANGER MANAGEMENT can bring a little bit of relief to the troops and their families.”

Yes, your work on ANGER MANAGEMENT (yeah it was in caps the whole way through) is truly a gift to all of us.

Subject: 'God Particle' and 'God heareth not sinners'

Are religious people still confused over the Higgs boson? Apparently some are. This was an email Tim forwarded me because I have asked these email maniacs to be taken off their mailing list and got seriously, hilariously, bitched out after doing so. Anyway the gist of it is that there's no point praying if you're a sinner. "A good example is why the Pope every Christmas and Easter publicly prays for peace and there never is any." Damn, you want some ice for that burn, Pope?

Subject: Insane Clown Posse Announces Line-Up for The 13th Annual Gathering of the Juggalos on August 8-12

I'm sure you've read this whole line-up already, but if not, feast your eyes. It's a doozy.

"The Main Stage talent at the Gathering is set to include Three 6 Mafia, Geto Boys, George Clinton and Parliament Funkadelic, Master P, Tech N9ne, Mushroomhead, Rehab, Soulfly, Danny Brown, Slaine, Swollen Members, Hed Pe, Fear Factory, Static X, DMX, The Game, Kottonmouth Kings and more. Psychopathic Records’ Insane Clown Posse, Twiztid, Anybody Killa, Blaze Ya Dead Homie, Dark Lotus, Psychopathic Rydas, Cold 187um aka Big Hutch are all set to appear, and this year’s hosts are Chop & Sugar Slam, Rude Boy, Jumpsteady and Ric Flair. Special late night events will be Violent J’s West Coast Block Party featuring Lil EZ, The Pharcyde, Warren G and Glasses Malone; Shaggy 2 Dope’s East Coast Block Party featuring The Fat Boys, Raekwon, Rahzel, and Biz Markie, and Twiztid’s Dirty South Party. Comedians Cheech and Chong, Jamie Kennedy, Ralphie May and Bobcat Goldthwait are set to appear. Plus, the Gathering will have a Wrestling Stage, seminars, autograph signings, free carnival rides, wet t-shirt competition, karaoke contest, tattoo contest, JCW try-outs, open mic, Miss Juggalette Competition and Violent J’s Beach Party."

Seriously good, right?

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