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A visit from St. Nicholas bae of Christmas past 

Say hello from the other side with this poetic round-up of gifts that’ll win back your lover, maybe.

’Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house,
your nostalgia was stirring, your new fling had no pulse.
With Adele turned up high, your makeup on point,
you flew from your house with only one goal in sight.
“I’ll find my old lover,” you joyously cried,
“tell them I called at least a thousand of times!”
With images of good times adance in your head,
and hopes of being big spoon inside of their bed,
grab one of these sad, pathetic and somewhat misguided gifts.
They are imbued with the magic of your very first kiss.
If you’re thinking of them, they’re definitely thinking of you!
Win your love back at Christmas? It’s the right thing to do.
—xoxo, too much spiked egg nog

  • Matt Bustin

A new phone with extra voicemail capabilities
If Rudolph could talk, here’s what he’d say—don’t fuck with the reindeers that don’t wanna play. Here’s your last chance, you must have missed all my calls, now you’ve got extra-long voicemail, stay on the ball.

  • Matt Bustin

A DIY macaroni ornament for the tree Stick with tradition, it worked as a kid—paste all of the pasta like a heart on your sleeve. Add extra glitter, capture that glint in your eye, you might descend into madness, but fuck it, give this a try!

  • Matt Bustin

A second-hand engagement ring you bought off Kijiji
She said that she liked it, she gave you the look, she was probably just waiting to get on the hook! You’ve just broken up, that’s not forever (some say), get down on one knee, it will save the day. But, come on now be sensible, let’s not act with haste, don’t blow all your change, it might be a waste.

  • Matt Bustin

A framed photo that says Our First Christmas Together
If all else fails, you’ve got this last chance, to hit them with all of the winter romance. Should it go well, you’ve got a year under your belt, should it go poorly it’s too cold to be felt. Despite what they say when you head out of sight, you’ll be leaving with dignity (nope) on Christmas Eve night.

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Atlantic Playland is now Atlantic Splash Adventure, featuring waterslides like the Bluenose Blaster and Bowl of Fundy. What other Nova Scotia-inspired attractions could the waterpark offer?

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Vol 25, No 47
April 19, 2018

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