This is Halifax now

This Tall Ships ad is the new and better Halifax and that is indisputable.

For many years, this photo was Halifax. Boring. Sometimes it would be this photo, and for many people, it was this. What defined all of these cities was a severe and unimaginative lack of Photoshop.

All of that is about to change! If you thought you were living in Halifax before, just you wait.

Halifax is now a series of young adult novels set in a nautical fantasy world. The city is a Thomas Kinkade painting.

You may love the Central Library and it might win all sorts of architectural awards, but what you didn’t realize until crossing over into Narnia was that it was on the wrong side of Halifax this entire time. The Central Library should have been built right next to Purdy’s Wharf, which it is now taller than and that’s better.

Halifax is now an iPhone game “where somebody’s mom would lose a lot of money in micropayments.”

We have also stolen Sydney’s giant fiddle, and Lunenburg’s Lunenburg Academy. They are ours now. Our city has sucked dry their Maritimey essence and used it to prolong our own blasphemous east coast lifestyle. We’re like the thing in the movie The Thing, if the thing was mildly alcoholic and shout-sang Barrett’s Privateers.

Halifax is now a Kingdom Hearts level.

The Macdonald Bridge now spans the south end of the city, from Citadel Hill to heaven. The ghost of the MacKay Bridge floats silently above the harbour like the red curtains in Twin Peaks—a ghastly reminder to never visit Dartmouth.

Halifax also has a sea monster now. Deal with it.

Queen’s Marque is not in this Halifax, so don’t bother asking about its floating boardwalk. The Nova Centre has also frigged right off. There’s no room for either of them on what appears to be Halifax Island’s three square kilometres of land.

You know what we do have space for? Giant motherfucking cannons. Two of them, both bigger than the six-storey office building dangerously placed directly below. No one will survive the noon gun, and that’s fine.

This is now Halifax, and from here on out, everything in our lives is about to get better.

(Still no stadium, though.)